BPD ex took the kids

[Jon Tirl]

Hello,
My ex-wife (now separated going through divorce) was diagnosed with BPD 18 years ago. We met and married 16 years ago. The only sense I could make of the tumultuous relationship was on reading material on BPD. As things did not improve over the years and she refused to get support, we separated.  We separated about 1 year ago, and shared the kids 50:50 for months going to mediation around sharing the kids.  Suddenly and without warning she stopped them from coming to me. I am pursuing a court order on the mediated agreement. She has made horrendous untrue accusations against me, has got social services involved with the kids, and the kids have repeated some of these accusations to social services. All contact time I get with the kids (now several hours weekly only, and supervised due to accusations to social services) is positive and enjoyable for all, but on return to her it is as if I do not exist. The court process is long (months now), and I seem to get no traction on the BPD issue with my legal advisors or social services. I think the BPD should be a significant factor but it is almost as if bringing it up harms my own case.  I am concerned that the kids will be subject to the same volatility that I was (constant switch in work, constant wishing to move house, daily / weekly  instability and change of direction, emotional withdrawal, irrational arguments, etc.) I would say she is highly functioning BPD.  My goal is to separate as amicably as possible, to be a stable influence in the kids life, preferably have at least 50:50 custody and to regain my own inner strength - to stop being pulled weekly from pillar to post by her with drama surrounding every contact session. Children are in their teenage years. Any advice is very welcome. Thank you.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome to helpful peer support, but also sad that your circumstances caused you to seek us out.  Others will soon join us in addressing your dilemma.

My experience was typical of most here, court generally is disinterested in ascertaining whether either spouse has mental issues.  Even the professionals surrounding the court system have a similar perspective.  Court does not try to fix the parents either.  And it does not want us to "play doctor".  (Even if you're a doctor, you're not supposed to treat or diagnose your own family.)

So what you can do is imitate the court's position.  Court claims it rules on documented evidence.  You too need to focus on what you can document and submit to the court.

Probably you could point out that you and your stbEx had equal time for months, apparently until she didn't like something about the mediation or divorce process.  That history ought to mean something, perhaps not until the current allegations are past.

Your children are in their teens.  What is the status of their schoolwork?  Could you do a better job than her?  At least in my case, court gives a lot of attention to schools, almost more than me.

[CoherentMoose]

  Welcome to the board.  Sorry to hear about what brings you hear.  It's a difficult situation.  And unfair.  Have you read Walking on Eggshells?  Also recommend reading Splitting by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger to prep for a long journey (read battle).  Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.  Read ForeverDad's story.  It's a great description of how to prepare for the long haul and endure the hardships that you may be faced with.  Read other stories as well.  Lots of preparation material available.
 Post your questions as you move forward.  Lots of experience in here.  Good luck.  CoMo

[livednlearned]

I seem to get no traction on the BPD issue with my legal advisors or social services. I think the BPD should be a significant factor but it is almost as if bringing it up harms my own case

This is unfortunately not uncommon for many of us here. It's a tightrope walk like no other.

The good news is that there are specific communication skills that can help, especially when dealing with third-party professionals.

Amazing turnarounds have happened for dads here who have been dragged through false allegations and custody battles. It's not an easy journey, and it's not all bleak.

This is one of the best places to gather information about how to navigate the legal system when you've been wrongly accused by someone with BPD.

Have you read Splitting by Bill Eddy? That's also a good source of info.

Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak is probably necessary for your situation too.