Struggling with Setting Boundaries with my Dad

[EnglishLavender]

I'm very much struggling with setting boundaries with my dad. This has always been an issue for me.
My dad has pushed everyone else in his life away throughout the years, and I am all he has left. However, he has become increasingly disrespectful to me and is very "all or nothing" when I try to set a boundary. (Sarcasm, says things like "you don't want anything to do with me", "our relationship is in the toilet", etc.) There is so much more, but I am tired and I am reaching a breaking point. My husband is supportive, but he mentioned to me that this is beginning to affect our marriage because I am anxious, stressed, and sad all the time. I've talked and talked and talked to my therapist about this, and she has offered many useful tools to handle my anxiety and stressed the importance of setting boundaries, but I can't seem to allow myself to sit with the uncomfortable feelings doing so creates for me. I just want to talk to my dad to appease him so he stops blowing up my phone and slinging hurtful comments my way.
I'm feeling lost.

[zachira]

You are not alone in struggling with the uncomfortable feelings when trying to set boundaries with a parent with BPD. My mom who passed away in 2019 had BPD. I struggled for most of my life with being unable to stay calmly present in the moment until I did EMDR therapy which forced me to stay present. At first, EMDR was terribly dysregulating for hours and days after the sessions, and it was the only thing that worked to help me be able to set healthy boundaries with others.

[Onyx22]

My situation is similar, so I'd like to offer some support. I'm relatively new, so take this with a grain of salt I guess

Setting boundaries makes you uncomfortable, but it seems like you are uncomfortable either way. Change isn't going to be easy, but in the long run I think it would be worth it.

Do you want to keep appeasing your dad the rest of your life? (Allowing him to have a level of control of you?)

What's the worst that could happen if you maintain a boundary? (Keep in mind boundaries are for YOU!) It'll make him uncomfortable? (Yes, it'll make you uncomfortable too. But is that because it's something you don't want, or a way you have learned to feel through him making you feel that way?)
I struggled saying 'no' to my BPD mother because I knew she'd blow up at me. Early in my relationship with my boyfriend I could see the strain it caused when I let her control me.

The only way things can change is if you make them. Yes he's going to resist, but he'd probably rather have a somewhat restricted (though normal by normal people's standards :P) relationship with you than none at all, right?

All that said, I was terrified to set a boundary with my mother. It didn't go well for me, and honestly my fear was losing that relationship and I did. But it was by my choice, it was better to go no contact than to be controlled and threatened.

Take some time to decide what YOU want and need. When you set a boundary do it over the phone, and with your husband supporting you by your side. Hang up if it becomes too much. You can do this! You deserve some peace of mind :D