Spouse really seems serious this time

[Soliloquy Lilith]

I've really been going through it for the past few weeks.

We have been married for nearly fourteen years and have two kids. Some professionals have diagnosed by wife with BPD, but I'm not certain she has it. As a lay person, I've certainly seen what feel like symptoms, including splitting, throughout our relationship. There are definitely problems between us and a lot of unhappiness. We've always managed to pull through, but there have been divorce threats from her in the past and sometimes I feel like I'm caught in an idealization/devaluation cycle that seems disconnected with reality.

She's also a recovering addict. Today is her one-year anniversary of being sober and attending NA. I'm extremely proud of her.

A few weeks ago, after we'd been spending time together doing the kinds of things we've always enjoyed (including watching Kpop videos and a netflix series), she said she needed to separate from me. She said she thought we didn't have a "spiritual connection" anymore and needed to be by herself to keep doing her recovery work. She proposed that I pay off one of my 401k loans and get a new one to finish the basement, where she could live.

I got a significant bonus last week and all of it went into paying off that loan, getting her a used car (we had previously been sharing one, which was tough), and getting a very nice new computer so she could go back to school. I've been incredibly sad, but have been trying to be upbeat and cooperative.

Yesterday, she told me she's decided to move out and that this will end in divorce. Instead of finishing the basement, she wants to use the new loan to buy a trailer. She's talking about starting the process of separating our financial affairs and a custody arrangement. She needs financial support for awhile. I don't mind giving her that. It's her leaving that hurts.

I told her I was heartbroken and hoped we could improve our relationship, but that I obviously wasn't going to tell her to do something she doesn't want to do.

I'm so confused about what's real or not. I don't know if this is a BPD defense mechanism or just her asserting what's best for her. She has come so far in a year with her recovery, but her emotional issues predate the drug use (which was often a method of self medication). I'm trying to do the thing of validating her feelings. But I'm a wreck and feel like I'm going to disappear. Yet I have to keep it together for our kids, despite this relentless pain.

It feels a little better to share this. I don't feel comfortable sharing difficult feelings with others. I've mentioned it to some online friends and am in therapy, but everyday continues to be a relentless cycle of emotions, ranging from calmness, to terror, to intense sadness, to anger.

I'm not concerned at all with how the legal or financial side of things will turn out. If she really leaves, she can have whatever she's entitled to. I'm a lawyer and have the only earning capacity between us right now. But thinking about the steps of separation makes it feel concrete, which makes me feel like I'm going to pass out.

I should definitely be doing a better job of taking care of myself, even though it feels like a giant burden. I've been taking my meds, but am not eating or sleeping well. I had to ask for a last minute extension for a project that is due on Monday because I simply couldn't process anything after getting the news.

I'm trying to say and do the right things and to take care of myself. It just feels extremely difficult sometimes. Thanks for letting me share.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Here’s an article that might be of help:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

Definitely put your emotional life vest on first. You need to be very strong to cope with this and be at your best for the kids. Eat, sleep, exercise. Make you a priority right now.

And don’t do anything to enable her moving on, if you don’t want that. So often people with BPD lack follow through. Some will make these sort of proclamations without fully thinking through the consequences and steps they will need to actualize their plan.

If she’s serious, let her do all the legwork. Not you.

Do everything to be your best self. And by focusing on bringing your best self to the table, perhaps she will see what she would be missing should she follow through with her idea.

Keep reading here and post more about what’s going on. What are some of the issues you’ve been dealing with?

[Soliloquy Lilith]

Thank you, Cat. I'm trying to get some sense of reality back and it's really helpful to hear these things.

[Arizona]

Hello

Know that you’re not alone. A full blown BPD diagnosis is not needed to wreck havoc on the relationship and your sanity. It can be scary to have sudden changes thrown at you, that like Cat Familiar said, often come with no follow through. I can’t  tell you how many times my BPD partner has threatened leaving, takes off his ring, etc. I got to a point of just saying “ok” and having a plan to care for me should he decide to follow through. The alternative is to leave yourself open and vulnerable (emotionally and financially) to their ongoing instability. It ends up breaking your spirit and impacting your sanity. The author Lisa Romano says “hold on to you,” no matter what is happening in your BPD or other PD loved one’s world/reality, hold on to your own inner stability.

[Soliloquy Lilith]

Thank you. That sounds like great advice.

I cried off and on for most of today. An hour ago, I got it in my head that I should approach her and ask what I can do to save the relationship. The worry in the back of my mind is that she'll think I don't care about our marriage if I say nothing.

But I assume that's a bad move and that I really should just focus on myself.

I just got done reading to the kids before bed and feel calm and refreshed. It's the first time I've smiled today.

[Scared2Lose]

I cried off and on for most of today. An hour ago, I got it in my head that I should approach her and ask what I can do to save the relationship. The worry in the back of my mind is that she'll think I don't care about our marriage if I say nothing.

But I assume that's a bad move and that I really should just focus on myself.

In my experience, the more you push to save the marriage, the more they feel bad that they can't be a part of that process, the more they pull away.

Water off a duck's back. That's how you have to look at this. As someone who's recently come to the conclusion that I alone can't save my marriage. And as much as it hurts, it makes me feel better to know that her feelings are neither my fault or my responsibility. All I can do is be the best person I can be, and avoid making the situation harder than it needs to be. Focus on those things. Don't plead or beg, because it will have the opposite effect that you want. I don't know if you're a Firefly fan, but, I saw Kpop and I thought maybe. So if you are, "Be a leaf on the wind." Detach yourself from her attacks and her reactions. They are not about you, as much as she may say or it may seem like it is. You are not going to logic her into agreeing with you. In fact, it's going to work against your desired outcome.

If she comes around, it's going to be because she decides to. Which, if you read this board,  you'll see happens all the time. Not saying that's what will happen here, but if it does, how are you going to be in the right frame of mind if you're constantly fearful that the pattern will repeat? A fear based on the fact that you're worried what happens if it does. As counter-intuitive as it may be, you need to be OK without her, and show that in your everyday life, to have any chance of getting her to reconsider. Otherwise, you're just pushing her out the door.

Hopefully, that's helpful and makes sense. 

[Cat Familiar]

I’m going to load you up with a few bits of reading material.

If you do have a conversation about the direction your relationship is taking, talk very little and listen, listen, listen.

When people with BPD (pwBPD) decide to make major life changes, or are feeling emotional, they have very little capacity for empathy for their partners. Their focus will be solely upon their own feelings.

In addition, we often say with regard to these intense feelings: “feelings equal facts”

This is a difficult concept to grasp for those of us who are very logical minded. But in the world of a pwBPD, when they are feeling their feelings so intensely, they are convinced that is the truth, logic be damned. Any attempt to convince them otherwise is doomed to failure and furthers their distrust.

Let us know how things are going.

 
Cat



https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

[Soliloquy Lilith]

Wow, thank you so much everyone. I've been reading a lot and am happy to have more. Every time I work through the material on this site, it makes me feel stronger.

[Soliloquy Lilith]

The page about radical acceptance really hit home. I'm going to try to keep practicing the steps in it.

[formflier]

Hoping you can hold off on paying out money to buy trailers or do other big things until you have sorted out what YOU believe is wise for the money.


As you have seen, their ideas tend to change frequently. 

Best,

FF

[Soliloquy Lilith]

I ended up getting the loan because I feel like it's half her money and I'm not going to make decisions for her. She rented an apartment today and wants us to tell the kids.

I'm not really sure how to do that when only one of us thinks this is a good idea. But I feel like we need to be unified for the kids to maintain their stability. So I'm thinking I'll try to relax and tell them this is for the best right now

[etoile]

My heart really aches for what you are going through. My wife with uBPD is also threatening to leave (again...) and it is heartbreaking. But reading through all of this, I (a newbie learning how to deal with this) would echo the following advice:
- take care of yourself and your kids first!
- this means you MUST protect yourself: physically, emotionally , and yes, even financially
- if you don’t want her to leave, then don’t help her leave. Don’t enable that behavior that you don’t want or agree with.
- as you are a lawyer, I feel silly offering you this advice, but it sounds like you might need it: whatever financial things you start doing at the start of your separation is what will set precedence for your divorce decree. For example, if you financially support her (give her money) during your separation, you have set a precedent and the judge will just be inclined to continue that support. Please DON’T make yourself vulnerable like this. It will only hurt you in the end. Take it from someone who has been abused like that before. I can promise you that if she goes through with it, everything will be on the table and she won’t hesitate to take it from you.  No need for you to cripple yourself financially for someone who doesn’t want to be in your life.
So please please please protect yourself and don’t let her walk all over you.

[Soliloquy Lilith]

Thanks. Appreciate the thoughts and advice. This is really hard.

Our conversation this afternoon went well. I'm starting to think a separation may be a good thing for both of us. I can tell she's grieving and really cares about the kids.