From Amazing to Awful

[anomalyofnature]

Hi everyone,

I have been in a relationship for 3 months with a woman with BPD. She (44F) and I (36F) both have a history of trauma and mental health issues, so we communicated a lot in the beginning about our needs and expectations. I have bipolar disorder and OCD (managed well with medication and therapy), and she also has ADHD. We are currently doing a trial period of living together for a month to see how we would do long-term. Things were great for a few weeks, but now it feels like things have shut down. After a few bad nights where she would drink and say terrible things to me, splitting drastically from one minute to the next, we agreed neither of us would drink. We talked and agreed that we didn't want to break up and would work on things.

That was a few days ago. Now, it feels like she loathes to even be around me. She is very frustrated with being unemployed, trying to seek trans-affirming healthcare, and gets so upset that she sleeps all day and gets angry when she can't sleep at night. Last night, she would only mumble that she was bored out of her mind and "going crazy," and only stopped to get annoyed with the cats or make a passive-aggressive remark to me. Sometimes there is a brief flash of empathy (saying thank you when I bring her food, for example), but it fades so quickly.

I love her so much. I have had many years of therapy and am good at de-escalation and constructive communication. But I'm struggling so much right now. The person who said they loved me intensely now seems like she can't stand me. So many of the resources out there make it seem like having a partner with BPD is a lost cause. Any resources or advice you could give me on getting through these "lock-out" periods would be so helpful.

Thank you for your time.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Is your partner in therapy or ever been in therapy?  What kinds of things does your partner do to manage the ADHD?

I want to assure you that you have found a place filled with accepting people that "get it".  We can help you sort through all of these troubling issues.

So...last question (for now), confirm that this is the first time you have ever seen "this side" of your partner? 

I'll check back soon.

Best,

FF

[anomalyofnature]

Hi FF, thank you for responding! She has been in therapy before and is actually starting again today with the therapist she has worked with in the past. She is on Vyvanse for her ADHD, which she says helps with her executive dysfunction but "smashes down [her] empathy" (her words). She has also been working on developing a planner/notes system to help.

As for your second question, that's a little trickier. When we were getting to know each other but before we started dating, she was dealing with some life issues and abruptly rejected me, saying some pretty hurtful things and blocking me on social media. She voluntarily entered a treatment program and contacted me after she was discharged to apologize. We started dating soon after, and things were going very well until this most recent round of incidents.

I really appreciate the support. I already feel more comfortable here than I have in other support groups.

[formflier]

Can you read this article?

Article about what it takes

What was your first reaction after reading it?

What stood out to you as new information?

What seemed like something you have known for a while?

Best,

FF

[anomalyofnature]

Yes, thank you, I can! This was a very helpful article. To answer your questions:

• What was your first reaction after reading it? It was "Yep, that sounds right." This article accurately describes the things that I have encountered in our relationship so far. My second thought was that I will need  to do some work within myself on distress tolerance to be in this relationship. Right now, I have a tendency to minimize myself when I encounter anger or extreme frustration/yelling/passive aggression as a result of former abuse. I will need to be honest with myself about what I am able to handle.
• What stood out to you as new information? The section on expectations, specifically the expectation of non-threatening behavior, gave me pause. It makes sense, I'll just have to spend some time processing that.
• What seemed like something you have known for a while? I knew that I would have to become a caretaker. This has caused some friction in our relationship as I am supporting both of us right now, and I know my girlfriend struggles with feeling worthless and like a failure for not being able to get a job. There has to be a balance between my natural caretaker urges and feeling taken for granted when it's going to be necessary for me to do a lot of these caretaker tasks for things to work.

[anomalyofnature]

Update: we have been doing a trial period of living together. I made it clear that I only wanted her to do this if she was 100% certain it's what she wanted and that it was totally okay to decide against it at the end of the month with no harm and no foul. Last week, she told me she definitely wanted to move in. I think she's regretting it now but is acting out in resentment instead of telling me.

She now either snaps or freezes me out for even small things that I don't understand and that she won't discuss with me. We spent the whole weekend dealing with some emotional upsets that she had with me comforting her and supporting her. We previously had a great sex life and were very connected, but she suddenly doesn't like the way I kiss, the way I initiate sex, the way I touch her...I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells. It all started getting me down this morning. I asked if it was OK if I cuddled with her because I was crying and having a hard day. She turned away from me, literally giving me the cold shoulder and telling me that she couldn't deal with me "pushing [her] off center" when she hadn't had coffee yet. So. No comfort for me today, I guess.

It's clear she's suddenly resenting me and I'm not sure why. I'm going to keep reading here as it's clear I have a lot to learn. I'm working on asserting myself when it's appropriate, but I'm not quite there yet.

[khibomsis]

Anomaly, I am sorry you are going through this! My gut reaction is be wary of the lesbian U-Haul trap. I moved in with my then SO after 3 months of dating for practical reasons,  ended up in a 10 year marriage. It was a disaster, the first 5 years were lovely but then I slowly became aware of a lack of empathy on her part. I began to understand that her responses were not felt, but learned. Spent the next 4 years in therapy asking "is it me?" only to discover she had been diagnosed autistic and had withheld the information for fear that I would leave her. I said "I wouldn't have left you over the autism but I sure as hell am leaving you over the lying." It is only now, 5 years later, that I am fully recovering, physically and emotionally, from that abuse.  It was a nightmare.
Well, I live in the extremes, no doubt. Still, it is a big   for me that after only a few months you are worrying about supporting her financially and emotionally. Are you really the right person/in the right position to be doing that?  
 
There is also the practical aspect that many pwBPD seem to be doing better living alone, at least until treatment starts to work. The stresses and strains of having to be aware of and process another person's emotions is a lot for them when they already have a lot going on. Certainly my expwBPD has been regulating her moods a lot better since I moved out. Therapy is hard work for her and it certainly helps that she gets to choose whether or not to interact.
Being in a relationship with a pwBPD is rewarding but requires a lot of devotion and patience. It won't be helped by rushing into things. The tools help tremendously but it takes practice and commitment to make them work. That is a lot when you are also dealing with infrastructural stuff like financial dependence. Your partner loves you but is showing signs of stress. Living separately and dating peacefully is giving yourselves the chance to do things right.