Hello, this’ll be my first post. I just want to share my story, mostly to see how people relate and to help me feel like I’m doing the right thing.
For a bit of context, my therapist and I suspect my mother suffers from BPD. She isn’t diagnosed. I went no contact almost three months ago. I love her, but I’m not in a place where I could speak to her without giving in to her demands/apologies/… So my plan is to just live my life and figure out what normal is and if I ever feel ready to reopen communication, it will be with someone by my side and with boundaries that must be respected.
The thing that really blows my mind is that I had no idea my mother was abusive. Looking at that sentence, my mind is trying to deny that. I can see all the happy memories, the mother she could be when things were going her way.
- Past -
I could never see it because I could never compare to the pain my mother had been through. Growing up she had an alcoholic father and an indifferent mother. She had a sister that destroyed her belongings and bullied her relentlessly up until a few years ago when her bullying became too much for our family. My parent’s marriage was troubled to say the least. While it ended when I was too little to remember, I was told that my father would threaten suicide, punch holes in the wall and, in the end, when asked to choose between his family and gambling, chose the latter.
My mother was always desperate for love. So much so, that she preferred to stay in an abusive relationship with a man than be alone. She dated this man, who I’ll just refer to as ex, for most of my life. I still cannot say that it could ever truly be over. Supposedly it ended permanently a few years ago. -- To be clear, I don’t blame her for staying in this relationship, it was controlling and abusive. It was just something I struggled to understand while it was happening, and something I am still recovering from.
I always thought ex was mean. I had no idea it reached the level of abuse. I think it was hard for me to understand that abuse doesn’t have to be physical, it can be entirely mental/emotional. Ex and my mother would fight for hours, screaming loud enough that neighbors would call the cops. My siblings managed to stay away from most of the fighting. I would put myself in the middle of fights to try to stop them. Which ultimately meant I would be yelled at and yell back until I lost my voice and then some. I wanted so badly to get hit, I wanted him to hurt me. Then, I could at least hit him back and feel something instead of just suffering inside. And I thought that maybe that would show my mother that he was a bad person. Because I thought yelling and threatening people just meant you were being mean.
He did plenty of horrible things for petty reasons: breaking into our house, death threats, … Later I learned that my mother never pursued charges because he threatened to kill her, and my siblings and I, if she did. The abuse toward my mother was physical, but avoided that when my siblings or I were around.
I never wanted to admit it (even to myself), but one of the reasons I tried to stop their fights was because the longer they fought the more likely my mother would be irritable as well. A lot of the time she was a sweet, loving mother. But there were frequent times where she would yell at my siblings and I over minor things or things outside of our control. She leaned too heavily on us emotionally as well, having no one else to turn to. Growing up I constantly reassured her that I loved her and would always be there.
My mother talked about how if she got sick or injured her business would lose too much money and close down (not exactly correct, but for the sake of time that’s the essence). With her being our sole provider, I was constantly stressed about money and afraid of losing everything suddenly. Meanwhile, my mother, for whatever reason, would occasionally make large purchases (boat, cabin, …). She would just make an extravagant purchase, then stress about money (and when she was stressed, you better believe I was too). I for some reason latched onto this and believed if we just had enough money there wouldn’t be so much stress and fighting.
(2013) When I reached high school, I hit my first breaking point. Something I have told no one, I had planned to kill myself. The ex had reached an all time high with constant phone calls (landline phone, so not silenced), nearly daily screaming matches. I was intermittently starving myself, sometimes for days, going up to three days at one point (self-esteem issues). Luckily, my dog brought me enough joy not to go through with it. (Same dog I’ll bring up later.) After that point, I made it my goal to become financially independent. Then I could just be somewhere quiet. I spent the next couple of years after that completely depressed and just moving through the motions. I didn’t dare talk to my mother about this, since hinting that I wasn’t happy would make her upset.
There’s no good way to put a lifetime of small events, responses, feelings … into a summary. So, something my therapist recommended I do is write down facts. Here are some facts:
• Once my mother told me to keep track of her phone, but despite my protests she had to be the one holding it. After driving somewhere and getting out of the car, she couldn’t find her phone. After half an hour of screaming at me, we discover she put it in the car door.
• During a fight with ex, my mother threatened to kill my siblings, I and herself.
• There was a mistake in her scheduled flight. She told me to tell her how to fix it, without being allowed to see her computer screen or know what the problem was. Cue more screaming at me.
• She became upset at me for not wanting a man she was going on a second date with to drive me an hour to go hiking during a pandemic. She was offended that I didn’t trust someone that she trusted.
• Angry or passive aggressive voicemails for missing a single phone call.
- More Recent -
(2019) I started therapy a couple years ago because my stress started to become physical, I was diagnosed with IBS (and this year I have started getting migraines as well). That year my dog who I had since I was little got severely sick. My dog was living with my mother while I was in another state for school. It wasn’t until about 6 months into therapy that I brought up the ex and was told that was actually abuse. That opened the opportunity for my therapist and I to notice and work on behaviors/feelings I had/have.
(2019) For the summer before my last year of college I temporarily lived with my mother. Things were good until I started dating my current boyfriend. Up until then, I had no reason to not do the things my mother wanted so there was little conflict. I had to get her approval on what days I could see him (subject to change) and come home by certain times. Once she called and yelled at me for several minutes while I was with him because she was worried about where I was and upset that I hadn’t called/texted (despite telling her and having not received any texts/calls prior). She claimed that she shouldn’t have to ask me if she wanted to know where I was. – Not claiming I was perfect here, but I tried really hard to make plans work and always answered calls/texts quickly.
Skip to March 2020, my boyfriend and I found a place to rent so we could live together once I moved back from college. I moved back early due to the pandemic and finished college online, living with my boyfriend. I had planned on moving my dog in with us, but had talked with my mother and agreed to wait until I graduated so I could focus on school. (This is something I very much regret, but I discussed it with my mother and we decided it would be ok to wait.) Unfortunately, my dog’s cancer came back and we had to put her down during my finals week.
- Present -
A struggle I had was that my boyfriend didn’t like my mother. He had only experienced her yelling at me, or playing the victim in whatever struggle was new in her life. I wanted him to see the happy loving mother I saw. I thought I could help her, so I tried encouraging her to find ways to make herself happy (rather than just find “the perfect man” who would fulfil her needs). I tried suggesting for her to go back to therapy. But she would say she didn’t have enough time.
Due to various events, my therapist picked up that I was having boundary issues with my mother. We believed it was stemming from her feeling abandoned now that her children were grown. (Note that my siblings live out of state and at this point I’m the only one living nearby.) Luckily, my therapist suggested I set boundaries over the phone, rather than in person.
(November 2020) My mother calls me, upset and going on that my boyfriend hates her and she doesn’t know how to act for the holidays around him. I just reassured her that he needed time to get to know her, and no he doesn’t hate her. The conversation shifted to her asking me to watch her dogs when she was going on vacation (a month from then). (Basically, she had asked me to do this back in the summer where I said “I’d prefer not to.” From what I remember, she had said her friend was going to do that for her. So I believed that it was taken care of before this point.) She, at this point sounding very upset, asks me to watch her dogs for her. I try to say no and ask what happened with her friend. After some crying and reasons why she’s stressed, I give in and agree.
Talking with my therapist that week, she tells me that it’s ok for me to say no or change my mind. (There were several reasons for my not wanting to do this, but regardless …) After about a week of being stressed, I finally sat down to call my mother. I went in with the intention to find out what happened with the friend and negotiate the terms (just dropping in once a day vs staying over the whole week). Started with some small talk, she mentioned that she was stressed (98% of conversations she includes being stressed, can’t really avoid that). It all went to [not so nice word here] when I asked “What happened to your friend watching the dogs?”. She proceeded to scream into the phone. I told her that I felt like I was backed into a corner from the previous call. She said how I always backed out of things now. I started crying pretty early in and tried not to say much. She said that she would just leave the dogs with some food and water, “they’ll last a few days.” She told me to not bother to come to Thanksgiving, Christmas or anything. She guilted me for abandoning my dog, not caring about her when she was stressed … Wanting it to stop, I told her, “I’m sorry. I’ll watch them.” She said, “Ok good.” I said “I love you.” She hung up.
The next morning, my mother texts me asking a random tech question (like nothing had happened), I answer. After I don’t reply to her thanks, she texts asking if I was mad and I didn’t reply. I was able to meet with my therapist later that morning. After hearing this, she told me this was much worse than we had thought. And that the things she was saying were abusive. We decided that it would be best for me to go no contact for at least two months, which at the time felt like a long time. I ignored all calls and texts from my mother, having my boyfriend hold my phone for most of that first week. I only saw bits and pieces of the texts she sent. Seeing the barrage of calls and texts reminded me so much of ex.
I felt very conflicted about saying no and going no contact, I felt like I was betraying my family. It seemed like such a dumb thing to stick my foot down on. The problem wasn’t that I didn’t want to watch the dogs for her, it was that I wasn’t allowed to say no.
That week one of my siblings was in town for Thanksgiving, so they visited me a few times. We discussed what was going on and I explained that I needed time to think through my needs. I said I just needed some time and I loved our mother and would contact her when I was comfortable. My sibling tried to convince me to write my mom a note, but my boyfriend held firm that I don’t have to do that and by me not responding means I clearly don’t want to talk right now. I’m very thankful that he did, because no contact really needed to mean no contact.
That first week it was like my life hit me all at once. I could suddenly see all the disfunction.
Over the next two months, she sent several letters and dropped off some of my belongings. I blocked her on my phone after the first week since I was too stressed to be around my phone. I also have been reading about BPD, primarily “Stop Walking on Eggshells” has been super helpful. Around the two month mark I read the texts she had sent while with my therapist. We have read one of the letters so far as well. I’m still not ready to hear any voicemails or open the Christmas presents she sent.
Some highlights from the texts: Blaming my therapist and/or boyfriend for me being sad/mad/selfish, saying they’re controlling me etc. Saying how she’s horrible and she hates herself. Offering to pay me if I talk to her. “I can’t stand to be alive with how things are between us.” Making excuses for the things she said, she was tired, stressed … Blaming me for destroying everything good. “I never have any help.” “You need to talk to me instead of believe things that aren’t true.” “It isn’t fair to me that everything you hate you direct at me.” “I don’t know how you can be like this knowing how upset I am.” More suicide threats. “I forgive you.” Telling me if I have to buy back one of my more valuable items. She’ll call the police if I go to her house. Saying I don’t care about my grandmother or siblings. More about being controlled by therapist/boyfriend. Some nice things were mixed in among it. She could jump from totally normal to upset, even mid-text.
The letter I read was more of the same. This was written after about two months of no contact. Some telling quotes from it: “It is more important for you to prove a point, then care about me.” “you got to be the one upset, like I had done the wrong thing.” “I know I said some stuff after that, like ‘you don’t want to do stuff with me?’ because I was so hurt. So, now you feel that you must punish me for what I said?” (<- only mention of what was said in that last phone call). “I know that [boyfriend’s name] and your therapist have pressured you to act like this. I cannot say that anyone has ever been as mean to me as you have.” “I do forgive you for not letting me be your mother anymore.”
The closest she came to actually apologizing was “I’m deeply sorry for any harsh words that I said, out of stress.” It hurts to see that she can’t truly take accountability. There’s always an excuse, she can’t just be sorry that she said those things. She couldn’t just let me have some space (mostly thinking about that first week).
- Now –
Right now, I go between anger and grief. Some days I’m just annoyed, others it’s like going through a death in the family. My plan is to reach out when (and if) I am ready, which doesn’t feel like it’ll be anytime soon. I want to process my life, work on myself. I’m planning to present my thoughts to my siblings and explain that I believe our mother is being abusive (pending if that’s something they want to talk about). I’m learning a lot about myself and working to improve on things like boundaries and emotions.
There’s so much I could add or edit, but I’ll make myself stop here for now.
Thank you so much if you have read this whole thing, or even just some.
