How do I discipline my 17yodaughter for smoking marijuana at home and socially

[Oceans3]

I am so glad I found this board...it has helped me so much. 

We have struggled with our daughter since she was 13.  She has acted out many ways...sneaking out a few times, drinking and vaping marijuana.  We thought she was passed acting out and was progressing nicely with counseling and grades.  However, she is now vaping marijuana secretly in our home, while driving (my middle child told us but asked us not to let her sister know she told) and socially with her friends. 

How do we discipline her?

A little background...we have been very strict parents (my husband former military) and I have always been the intermediary.  It has caused a lot of conflict in our marriage and family.  I think he is too harsh and I am too weak.  We have grounded her over the years, taken away her privileges, phone and car...to no avail.  We have tried 5 different counselors and finally spoke to a psychologist and a counselor for my daughter who says she has BPD tendencies. I now feel enlightened and can relate to everything I have read. I have felt like the worst parent.

However, it is now affecting my other children and something needs to be done. I am reading books...when your daughter has BPD, Loving someone with BPD and Stop Walking on Eggshells. I hate that we might have contributed with our parenting techniques in the past. Now, I would like to ask your opinions on how to move forward?  She is a junior so we have the rest of the year and next.  I want to create a happy home environment for her last years as well as my other children (which have been affected). Marijuana is illegal and I want to help her so she does not get herself in trouble with addiction and the law. 

Any help is appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi Oceans,
 I am glad you wrote in, welcome. This particular issue is a very problematic one and it is especially heart wrenching when it is your child.  Marijuana use  often occurs simultaneously with BPD in order to self medicate / not feel the mental anguish and emptiness. Do not blame this on your parenting . 

Maybe a good first step is seeing what you parents can agree on in the way of  boundaries and consequences .  These are consequences that both of you must feel comfortable in enforcing.  BPDs are famous for splitting between parents and will sense right away if there is no agreement between you both .  Unfortunately there is no one answer to this, but if you 'd like , we can brainstorm with you here.

I have copied some posts from this forum on the subject:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=310494.0
Please write back as you are able. we are here for you.