Mistakes I made after she left

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was in so much pain when my BPD exgf left me that I went into a deep, debilitating depression. I was too ashamed to even share the details here, but suffice it to say I wish back then I would have immediately gone to a psychologist to help me through it. It was a terrible mistake not to, and I am now suffering the consequences of some poor choices I made in my life due to the pain.

I was so hurt that she was gone that I couldn't even cope. Sleeping in the bed without her after she was with me almost every day of my life for 2 years, and seeing everything in my life suddenly devoid of her, I felt an emptiness that I'd never experienced before. For some reason this was even more painful than the loss of my greatest love. It ruined me. I started having terrible health problems which persist to this day.

Beyond that, I made an absolutely critical mistake. I sold my property and moved out of state. I just had to get away. I ran from the pain. I couldn't bear it anymore. I did this 6 months after she left. In hindsight, it was a rotten choice. You know what they say - "never make life changing decisions in the middle of a crisis" or however that goes. I did and it is coming back to haunt me.

I had set up a life for myself and was moving towards a goal of complete and total financial freedom. I was getting there. After selling my property and giving up my business dreams, I have created, thanks to the exploding housing costs, a much more expensive life for myself, and a more uncertain future than the one I had just a few short years ago. I am really getting squeezed on rent and the increase in my monthly bills has caused me stress in and of itself.

Even worse, I terribly miss my property. It was heaven on earth. It's just that it became dark for a while, but now I long for what I had. Not her, but my slice of heaven. I can never get it back, and I sold it for a song. I didn't care. I was so down I just left. I wanted a new life, I thought. And I have that. But in retrospect it's not as fulfilling as what I had before she entered my life. I had some goals I was working towards there, and I abandoned them.

I know it could be worse and I could be broke and homeless or something, but I feel I have taken a great step backwards as rents and house prices have soared over the past several years. I kind of hurt myself in that regard by exposing myself to ever increasing costs when mine were pretty much fixed. The lesson I learned from this is to never make such big decisions when depressed. I never will again, and I hope to somehow get back to what I had, but it seems almost impossible given inflation, etc.

[crushedagain]

I was in so much pain when my BPD exgf left me that I went into a deep, debilitating depression. I was too ashamed to even share the details here, but suffice it to say I wish back then I would have immediately gone to a psychologist to help me through it. It was a terrible mistake not to, and I am now suffering the consequences of some poor choices I made in my life due to the pain.

I was so hurt that she was gone that I couldn't even cope. Sleeping in the bed without her after she was with me almost every day of my life for 2 years, and seeing everything in my life suddenly devoid of her, I felt an emptiness that I'd never experienced before. For some reason this was even more painful than the loss of my greatest love. It ruined me. I started having terrible health problems which persist to this day.

Beyond that, I made an absolutely critical mistake. I sold my property and moved out of state. I just had to get away. I ran from the pain. I couldn't bear it anymore. I did this 6 months after she left. In hindsight, it was a rotten choice. You know what they say - "never make life changing decisions in the middle of a crisis" or however that goes. I did and it is coming back to haunt me.

I had set up a life for myself and was moving towards a goal of complete and total financial freedom. I was getting there. After selling my property and giving up my business dreams, I have created, thanks to the exploding housing costs, a much more expensive life for myself, and a more uncertain future than the one I had just a few short years ago. I am really getting squeezed on rent and the increase in my monthly bills has caused me stress in and of itself.

Even worse, I terribly miss my property. It was heaven on earth. It's just that it became dark for a while, but now I long for what I had. Not her, but my slice of heaven. I can never get it back, and I sold it for a song. I didn't care. I was so down I just left. I wanted a new life, I thought. And I have that. But in retrospect it's not as fulfilling as what I had before she entered my life. I had some goals I was working towards there, and I abandoned them.

I know it could be worse and I could be broke and homeless or something, but I feel I have taken a great step backwards as rents and house prices have soared over the past several years. I kind of hurt myself in that regard by exposing myself to ever increasing costs when mine were pretty much fixed. The lesson I learned from this is to never make such big decisions when depressed. I never will again, and I hope to somehow get back to what I had, but it seems almost impossible given inflation, etc.

[khibomsis]

crushedagain, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through! I know what it is like to have regrets, still, the past is the past and there is nothing to be done but let it go.

Sometimes it helps to think of the path not taken. If you had stayed, would you have been able to get through what you got through?

The most important thing is that you did get through it. You are here now, you have survived. It is 2021, a year that will go down in the history books, and we are alive when so many are not. I suffer too, at the moment I am trying to think of which of my friends I can invite to support me packing up my expwBPD's clothes. I dread it, yet on some basic level I would rather be alive having the problems I have then not. If you know what I mean.

 You are older and wiser and, unfortunately, experience never comes cheap. You still have you. The same drive and determination that got you your first house will get you your second one, and now you have the added determination of knowing you can triumph over the worst of circumstances.
 

[Purplerain23]

I know it’s hard to believe but better is before you ! These relationships do things to us that normal break ups do not we are lucky to be out with our lives , sanity , health . Hang in there ! I’m proud of you for putting yourself first !

[Cnvi]

I feel like I'm battling a similar depression to what you mentioned right now but I'm only about a month into the relationship ending. But going from being with someone who can be exceptionally warm, loving & caring every day (literally every day in my case because we were in quarantine), to being completely alone.. the loss of no longer having them in your life is a devastating shock to the heart, nerves and mind. Then you're just stuck there (initially) with an empty hole in your heart and no clue how to fill it or patch it up.

I can say even with the help of a therapist it's a difficult, uphill struggle, but there's always the ability to hike or climb back up. Truly sorry to hear about your health problems, best of luck with your recovery in those aspects. I'm sure you'll find another amazing home that can bring you joy like the initial one did. Keep the glass half full mentality towards that.

[crushedagain]

Thank you for the replies. As they say, hindsight is 20/20 and I suppose I did the best I could given the circumstances. But in the future I would definitely see a therapist before I made any huge changes.

I think part of the issue is that I've been pretty down about the situation in the country. It's not just the virus and the lockdowns, it's all the other BS with divisive politics, horrific economic policies which are destroying the quality of life, etc. It's really got me down lately.

I am seeing homeless people like I have NEVER seen in my life. It is truly incredible. And beyond the ones living on the streets I am seeing people barely hanging on by living in their cars, beat up RVs parked in parking lots, etc. I have come across needles on the ground while out doing shopping and stuff that never existed even 5 years ago.

I have become very cynical and jaded by all of this. And I don't see anything being done to change any of it, and it's led to a certain amount of hopelessness in me - not so much a hopelessness for myself per se, but a hopelessness regarding the future survival of this country.

[once removed]

i think i risk being pretty invalidating here when i ask this, but bear with me:

was it the specific decision, the place you moved to that you regret? or is it possible there is more going on? a larger unhappiness?

it could be both, of course.

i have an uncle that moved out of america (my country) for retirement. it wasnt an impulsive decision, quite the contrary. and in fact, he made good friends, had a good time, and then hated it, regrets it, and feels stuck.

im just wondering as i read your post, do you long for the old place, or is it a bit of "the grass is greener", is it more than that, is it something else, or is it exactly as you say?

[crushedagain]

It's not the place I moved to that's the problem, it's the fact that I moved away from a place I loved because I was in so much pain and thought I needed a "fresh start" when what I really needed was to see a therapist. In reality I was avoiding the pain and the real issues, running away. I was happy before I met her. I was exactly where I wanted to be. But she/the relationship turned my whole world upside down.

The moving and everything sure did create one hell of a distraction, but in hindsight it was a very poor choice as I abandoned what I really loved in a very weak and painful moment. Since she had lived with me two years there, so it felt final, like I was cutting the cord on her so she couldn't just stop by my house. She is one of those stalkerish personality types who keeps track of people online, drives by old bf's houses, etc., and I just wanted to be done with her.

To add: When I mention all the stuff about the virus, etc., it's just that it's exacerbated any sadness I've felt. If I was at my old place I'd be having a bit of a hard time as well, because it's really dragged on and been a downer with all the social distancing and what not. It hasn't been a great time to be single, at least for me. Some companionship would have been great.

[khibomsis]

My first divorce, I moved out. I don't think I would have been able to detach if I didn't. My second divorce, she moved out. It was much, much harder to detach while staying in the house we had shared. Got really ugly at one stage when she moved back in,  too, without notifying me beforehand. There are many virtues to not being findable.

Crushed, I think maybe you are a little depressed. Are you seeing a therapist? How is it going with exercise, mindfulness, etc? If you are in the northern hemisphere this period just before spring is the worst. How about  taking a break from worrying about the pandemic and going for a walk instead?
 

[crushedagain]

I think I'm probably a little depressed, but nothing like I was back then. I am functioning well right now, however there are some things I am dealing with that are difficult. I have decided to cut a toxic NPD sister out of my life as much as possible, but I don't want it to be an "event" so to speak. I'm just trying to pull away and no longer reach out or return communication like I did in the past. It's not an easy decision, but one I feel is the best for me. I have realized how much I dislike her as a person. She is a very mean individual. Cruel is a better word.