Have I found the right place?

[Laylabelle]

Hi everyone, please. No judgement please, Im trying to work out who I've been involved with.
 11 years ago during a very bad time in my life and I found myself wrapped up in an affair with someone who pursued me relentlessly and made himself my confidante and soul mate within weeks. He was obsessive, didn't give me a minute to breath, was territorial and unbeknown to me at first, had been stalking me. I was so wrapped up in how wonderful it felt that I saw lots of red flags but passed them all off as I had lots of stress at the time, but became addicted to his contact which was constant, so obsessive and constant that all the rest of my life paled into the background. He would tell little needless lies which made no sense and I passed them off as he'd told me he'd always been insecure, I thought maybe trying to impress me. It made me feel I had to prove my sincerity to him all the time. When I say it was obsessive I mean it didn't matter where I was, I always felt he was near me even though I couldn't see him, but I could sense him. After a while he started flirting with other women in front of me, and seemed to take an interest in one other particular one which made me anxious and had me feeling like I had to try harder to prove my worth. I spent five years being totally enmeshed with him. Completely in love, but always deeply anxious. He would bombard me with overboard declarations of love and then pull back every now and then withholding physical intimacy. Then bombard me with contact if i went on holiday or out with friends first thing every day and last thing every night. I never had control of any contact, it was all on his terms. He was always ill, one ailment or another and always drama, big drama in his life, I felt wrapped up in all of it whilst putting my own family problems on hold to be there for him Throughout all of it he claimed he was in a deeply unhappy dissatisfied marriage but couldn't hurt his spouse because she'd been hurt badly before she met him. I believed him because my marriage had been the same.
It was taking a toll on my mental health and I went through all my usual daily life like a robot just waiting on our conversations and time spent together. Every time he pulled back I'd go into a panic and the mixture of highs and lows were making me into a nervous wreck, yet I felt bonded to him. When I suggested we cool it off he would beg and plead but he wasn't really giving me anything except this contact which had me waiting all the time. Then he'd have times where he'd talk to me just like a friend. Then when I suggested he was stringing me along he informed me he'd been found out and my whole life turned upside-down. Amongst all the hell  going on between two families he still wouldn't end it, but disappeared for a few weeks. That's when I ended it myself. Totally broken hearted but still trying to understand it from his side, he just couldn't leave home. I tried for a couple of years to get back to normal, but would see him here and there and still wasn't over it when he came back, as though nothing had happened, he was desperately unhappy, had made a mistake and regretted losing the love of his life. I had so many questions that I allowed it again. Constant contact ensued whilst he'd tell me how unhappy he was, tell me horrible things about his spouse, always saying his marriage was about to end, yet with every argument they had he always stayed. Then he had a family tragedy, I was churning inside because I couldn't see him but he kept saying I was all he could think about and after 6 months of obsessive contact we saw each other a few times. Then he slowed down again, once again I found myself pining for him, confused, but if I asked why his answers were vague, an illness or another drama. That's never stopped him before so I put a boundary in place to which he has almost disappeared with four messages in as many months but pulling back on me with deep loving words over valentines.
I know I need to cut all ties. I've asked him to tell me if he's settled where he is but all he does is tell me how much he loves me, asks me to keep holding on and won't give a straight answer.
I can't explain why I'm still loving him. I keep accepting his excuses but knowing that's all they are. My confusion has led me to this site because of lots of different behaviours over a very long time. I don't know if I'm being devalued or discarded. Its like he feels its over but doesn't want me to leave.I know its my decision to make but I needed somewhere to vent.

Obsessive,stalking, flirting, needless lying, push and pulling,triangulation, constant need for validation  pity ploys
Sexual innuendos but holding back
Stopped explaining his absences,
Never answers a question clearly,
Will say sorry but doesn't explain why
All consuming,  then backing off.

[grumpydonut]

Hey Laylabelle,

Certainly seems like you've come to the right place. If it's BPD, the stringing along is about fear of abandonment. It sounds like there's a possibility that you're there to soothe him when his spouse isn't doing it for him. When she is, you're not needed. And it would be same for her.

My ex left me for another man. Despite this, she kept trying to string me along, and even continued to stalk my social media pages afterwards. It's not rational in any sense, but it is part of the disorder.

I can't say if you're being devalued or discarded (to my knowledge, BPDs don't discard) but I can tell you that you are being unappreciated and disrespected.

[Laylabelle]

Hi grumpydonut,
Its so confusing because I know his feelings are sincere but definitely know he's just completely backed off. That I've had to ask him to tell me where we stand has made me feel needy when I just want an honest answer which he dismissed. In between this he's mentioned me to a mutual acqaintance which has unnerved me because there was no reason for her to know he and I were connected , a flying monkey or triangulation? And the odd times he's contacted me have been full of the usual I love yous but he doesn't even ask how I am, just ends them with have a lovely day. . Hes left me totally in the dark on what relationship we actually have if we have one at all, yet his messages read like were still an item. How do you deal with all the frustration of not being able to discuss it, how long do you give it before you close the door, and what do I say if he comes back.

[grumpydonut]

I can't answer any of those questions in your final paragraph, as they are your decisions to make.

The information you currently have suggests that you are not in a relationship. You are an aid, a utility, to fill a need when it arises. That's not love. That's need.

You are confused by design, whether he is doing it consciously or not. It is the BPD way. Their confusion becomes yours.

I would caution you against expecting that a person with BPD will ever be 100% upfront with you. The truth rarely serves their goals. It's just the way it is. He can't say "I want you when I want you, and when I don't I need you to go away", so he doesn't answer upfront. That is enough to cause you great concern.

People with integrity don't leave people confused.

I'd ask myself what I'm wanting to happen from this point forward, and how likely I think it is to occur. If you're wanting a "happy ever after" then I think you already know that's not going to happen.

Look at how he is treating his wife. Why would it be any different with you?

[once removed]

if youre trying to reconcile/improve the relationship, post on the Bettering board. if youre not totally sure, if theres going to be any contact between you, that would be best, too. you dont have to be committed to the relationship to do so. sometimes its about finding your bearings and getting straight on a plan.

affairs are very complicated. a member here often likens them to a three legged stool. two legs dont work. they need a third leg to stand.

no judgment at all. most of us here found ourselves in our relationships at a very vulnerable time in our lives. for many of us, the relationship has involved an affair.

affairs are, inherently, built on a foundation of both fantasy and distrust. the fantasy, for both sides, tends to be an escape, whether it be from a relationship, or from life, and the promise of a better one. but distrust, likewise, is always lurking, and it will tend to show itself. for example, even in the event that a man leaves his marriage and commits to another, the distrust between them tends to surface down the road. when you have bpd or bpd traits, you have an inherent distrust of others.

second, and because you are posting on the Detaching board, if you are trying to detach (and this may help even if you want to save the relationship), its important to realize what your attachment here is. there have been a few times in my life where intense, if not short lived, relationships sparked. all day long texting or messaging, what have you. and frankly, it left a huge hole in my life when they crashed and burned. i didnt know what to do with myself. i found myself getting needy or chasing.

it sounds like a great deal of the attachment here is not just the intensity, not just the extent to which its become a part of your life, but the validation. and frankly, that validation is fleeting and inconsistent, though always with the promise of more if you hang in there.

what do you think?

[Laylabelle]

I think you're absolutely right,
Certainly when you're in it, it doesn't feel like a fantasy, it was more like a double life for me, it wasn't just texts but a lot of time spent together and the whole thing has spanned over 11 years. I know I've had my part to play in this too and there have been many times I tried to end it but just couldn't let go of the emotional bond we had. This time round I've felt like an agony aunt for a wounded boy who spills out all his problems , tears, gripes about work, the spouse, but stopped asking me anything about myself.
I think as someone said above, He came back for me to soothe him in the emotional absence of his wife. Of course, along with that comes the feelings of having been used and then dropped. I understand about the chasing too. The fact that he sends  sparse messages asking me to hang on and emotional songs of how much he misses me are keeping me hooked because of course I miss him too so I end up reaching out to him feeling I have to prove how much I love him and that I'm still here. He's always told me I'm here for you, yet he isnt so I've stopped that now.
I know now that he has made new marital commitments, not that he's told me, but he certainly isn't leaving her, my frustration is because I've asked him to tell me and be truthful if that's what he's doing but he's keeping me dangling with stories of how unhappy he is.  and so I know I have to detach for my own wellbeing and I can't allow myself to be in the background waiting until he gets bored again. I feel I have been programmed to thinking about his problems and putting them before my own. I was a very confidant outgoing person before I met him and spattered with the mixture of highs and lows, push and pull. I do have trauma bonds to him (verified by a therapist) and have some hard work to do on myself,  and so I am here because I'm trying to detach emotionally. The devaluing doesn't hurt as much as last time but boy it still hurts. I will begin to post on the bettering board, thank you for the reply.