Dealing with random triggers, a year later

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It's been a long time since I posted here. My r/s with uBPD ended a little over a year ago, and I can honestly say I have done so much healing. I was a mess last spring, and it took months before I stopped obsessing over my ex and everything that happened.

I think what was hardest was that like many here, I didn't really make sense of what happened in our r/s until after it was over. And then it was like I had to spend months recalibrating all my memories to factor in this new information - this person wasn't really who I thought he was, and in fact may have intentionally been using and manipulating me (who knows for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if he is a combo of antisocial/narcissist/BPD).

Although I feel soo much better than I did a year ago, and finally feel emotionally like I deserve better and WILL find a happier, healthier love, I am still triggered sometimes by memories or associations.

For example, my ex was into a somewhat unusual sport, and when someone mentioned that sport out of the blue at work one day recently, I seriously had heart palpitations and this extreme feeling of anxiety. I find that that happens fairly often if something unexpectedly triggers a memory of him. Fortunately he lives pretty far from me, but I have a lot of anxiety about the idea of ever running into him. There was one day I thought I saw him in the park and felt like I was almost going to have a panic attack - like adrenaline flowing.

We were only together for a year, and it's been a year since we broke up. I really wish I could let go of these traumatic associations. I hate that he still creates this strong emotional reaction in me, albeit much less often than before.

Is this normal? Is it just from the experience of feeling violated by someone I thought I loved? Anyone have any suggestions for continuing to work through this? I am ready to put him behind me entirely and reclaim any power this situation had over me!

[l8kgrl]

It's been a long time since I posted here. My r/s with uBPD ended a little over a year ago, and I can honestly say I have done so much healing. I was a mess last spring, and it took months before I stopped obsessing over my ex and everything that happened.

I think what was hardest was that like many here, I didn't really make sense of what happened in our r/s until after it was over. And then it was like I had to spend months recalibrating all my memories to factor in this new information - this person wasn't really who I thought he was, and in fact may have intentionally been using and manipulating me (who knows for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if he is a combo of antisocial/narcissist/BPD).

Although I feel soo much better than I did a year ago, and finally feel emotionally like I deserve better and WILL find a happier, healthier love, I am still triggered sometimes by memories or associations.

For example, my ex was into a somewhat unusual sport, and when someone mentioned that sport out of the blue at work one day recently, I seriously had heart palpitations and this extreme feeling of anxiety. I find that that happens fairly often if something unexpectedly triggers a memory of him. Fortunately he lives pretty far from me, but I have a lot of anxiety about the idea of ever running into him. There was one day I thought I saw him in the park and felt like I was almost going to have a panic attack - like adrenaline flowing.

We were only together for a year, and it's been a year since we broke up. I really wish I could let go of these traumatic associations. I hate that he still creates this strong emotional reaction in me, albeit much less often than before.

Is this normal? Is it just from the experience of feeling violated by someone I thought I loved? Anyone have any suggestions for continuing to work through this? I am ready to put him behind me entirely and reclaim any power this situation had over me!

[B53]

18kgrl,
 
I understand how you feel. They can do such a number on your head. It’s hard when someone turns out to be someone other than who you thought and it makes you doubt yourself . It’s scary to be reminded of that altered reality. It was painful and the thought of coming face to face with the person who caused it, is frightening. I don’t know, but maybe it’s a form of PTSD.

B53

[l8kgrl]

Thanks B53. It does feel like maybe some very mild version of PTSD. I’ve had nightmares about him too - not all the time, but occasionally - where he’s attacking me, or I fear what he’s about to do. It’s probably just tied to the somewhat traumatic memories of his rages.

And yeah, I guess it’s a general feeling of violation.

Thank you for posting, and I’m sorry if you can relate.

[l8kgrl]

Just had another thought. This is a little weird, but I think I’m also afraid that if I saw him again, it would just bring up all my old positive feelings about him and make me feel heartbroken all over again.

Like I’m not sure I trust myself to integrate all the stuff I realized after our breakup, and react accordingly. What if all the stuff that has happened “in my head” in the past year is confronted with the “reality” of him.

I don’t know if that makes any sense.

[Cromwell]

Hi l8kgrl

sometimes the worry about it is far more than what it turns out to be at the time it happens, like waiting for drivers test or an exam or dental appoinment. Ok, it still is maybe difficult thing to do but not always as high as all the worry that came before it. Im sure you remember those times in life and after felt "oh I dont know why I was so worked up about it, turned out fine"

ive noticed this in life in experiences not about my ex, but concerning her, after 9 months no contact I often carried a bit of fear still, and startled here and there thinking id seen her, second glance, someone that looked like her. It not only wore off in time I did actually one afternoon get stuck with her on the same bus and compared to all that apprehension and triggers, I was calm, and the "Titan" in my mind she resembled more of a newt, it was so far away on the scale that I had mentally built up that in real encounter turned out to near nothing like the imaginations I had.

Well done on what must have been a tough year but now you got through it and feeling so much better for it, great to hear it and looking forward to you keep on working on through it.

[l8kgrl]

Thank you Cromwell! That's pretty great that you were not really affected when you ran into your ex. Guess you really worked through all the  - well done

Yeah, I gotta just keep moving forward and trusting that these feelings and reactions will continue to diminish.

[once removed]

triggers, through both time, and exposure, usually some combination, can tend to lose their potency.

when i was going through my breakup, i couldnt see my exs facebook page, but i could see her profile picture, and if she changed it, even to something innocuous, i would go into an anxiety attack for hours on end, with endless ruminating. today, i look at her social media sometimes and have no strong feelings of any kind.

i accepted a job about a year and three months ago, and really struggled to adjust to it; massive, insane levels of anxiety. id see a commercial for the company and it would get so much worse. after about three months of it, those feelings plummeted.

I hate that he still creates this strong emotional reaction in me, albeit much less often than before.

the antidote to triggers, so to speak, is mindfulness.

dont judge yourself for the reaction. pay attention to it. observe it. probe it. and then let it pass. triggers are generally trying to tell us things, and can reveal a lot; by listening to what theyre trying to tell us, they lose their urgency.

[yeeter]

I get triggered by various events, for sure.

It is a learned response (there is a REASON for the trigger).

So now we have to 'unlearn' that response, by experiencing them with a different outcome.

So embrace the trigger.  Own it.  Rationalize it.  Deliberately notice what the outcome is.  And train yourself that the old response is no longer valid, adapt with a new response.

 

[B53]

18kgrl

I also understand the thought of being broken-hearted again. I think time helps with that. I haven’t finished grieving yet, so many things still affect me emotionally.

I think Cromwell is right, if or when it happens, it won’t be as bad as what you have created in your head. I use to think a lot about my first love. I was young and at the time he was my everything. It didn’t end on a bad note, we both went away to college and the distance was just too much. I would often romanticize what life would be like, if we had stayed  together. Years later I ran into him at a party. It was nice to see him and catch up, but there was zero attraction. I was sorry that I ran into him, because I liked the story I made up in my head, more than the reality. You might feel some satisfaction if ran into him and wonder why you ever cared for him in the first place. No matter how good he made you feel once, that also came with how awful he made you feel later.

I’m looking forward to being where you are in the process.

B53