I found out she was already with someone before it ended

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I will never understand how they can do the things they do, after 3.5 years together all the I love you's.
Her telling me I am stuck with her, How could she start a new relationship while letting me believe we were still in one. She continued to argue and fight with me knowing full well she had already found my replacement.
I couldn't help myself and looked at her social media and saw what appeared to be comments from a guy that were a little too friendly. So I looked at his page sure enough they were together at least a month while I was still thinking we were fixing our relationship.

How can these people be so heartless and cruel.
It stings beyond belief.

[Shaken54]

I will never understand how they can do the things they do, after 3.5 years together all the I love you's.
Her telling me I am stuck with her, How could she start a new relationship while letting me believe we were still in one. She continued to argue and fight with me knowing full well she had already found my replacement.
I couldn't help myself and looked at her social media and saw what appeared to be comments from a guy that were a little too friendly. So I looked at his page sure enough they were together at least a month while I was still thinking we were fixing our relationship.

How can these people be so heartless and cruel.
It stings beyond belief.

[B53]

Sorry
I agree they can be cruel

[once removed]

my ex did a very similar thing.

within a week or so of our breakup, she was in a new relationship. we were together just shy of 3 years. it was flabbergasting.

i would go on to realize that this was likely in the works for some time.

the honest truth is that lining up someone new is a way of coping and avoiding grieving over a relationship that is ending. its a weakness, to be sure, although its not one that is unique to bpd. the hardest thing is, that a person doing it, may not be sure about it until they really pull the punch. so its not uncommon that they may have second thoughts, or reinvest completely in a relationship before leaving it, or go back and forth. that can be even more true for someone with bpd traits, where you have emotions swinging so wildly.

it does sting. it stuns. its the kind of closure that no one wants.

how are you holding up?

[Shaken54]

Thank you for your responses, I am holding up ok the last few days a little better. I did have some texts with her where I caught her in more lies, The lies oh my the lies they have been so numerous I need a notepad to keep track.
It's something I will never understand, They lie over the dumbest things that can easily be checked out.

I was NC for about a month and half till these recent texts, but I can say catching her in even more lies is only helping me move forward, I know that sounds weird but it just reinforces why I know she is bad for me.
So I am taking it one day at a time, but honestly today is a good day even though we texted.

[brighter future]

Hi Shaken,

Just checking in to see how you're doing now. We've talked a bit in the recent past, and there are some similarities in our situations.

I agree with you about when they start contacting you again  after a period of NC to "feel you out." She broke NC about 4.5 months afterwards and kept it up on and off for almost 6 months. I haven't heard anything in about 5 weeks now.  In some ways it set me back when that would happen, but at the same time, it reminded me of how disordered she really is. I had others warning me about keeping in contact with her family and our mutual friends after the breakup. Some of them would mention what she was up to during our conversations (not so much these days). Most of them said what a mess her life and mental health continues to be. Hearing that made me sad for her, but at the same time, it made me thankful (I'm still thankful) that I am not involved in that mess any longer. It was a good reminder that nothing's changed and to stay away. Like one mutual friend said, "Stay far..far...far away!"

Hope all is well.

[Shaken54]

HI Brighter,
   Yes I am doing better, I am realizing with each day how truly disordered she really is. I had a very nice day yesterday with some of my cousins and we did talk about my past relationship a little bit they are so supportive of me and I appreciate them. They all have met her in the past and we did things together so they get what is going on. I am coming to terms now about the significant amount of lies that I was told through my entire 3.5 year relationship, It is one of the most difficult parts of this actually I am a very trusting person and she really took advantage of that character trait in me.

I know her life is going to be a mess and there is nothing I can do nor anyone else, I know that no matter what I gave my all and it wasn't enough. I also know now that no matter who she should be in a relationship with it will always play out the same way, sure the durations may be different but the outcome will always be the same.

There is part of me that misses her company, of course I am missing the love bombing phase and we all know that was not real anyway just her facade or mirroring of me. Then there is the part of me that truly feels sorry for her because I know her life will be horrible, She is in her mid 40's right now sure she will be able to easily pull men into her web but as time marches on eventually I believe she will end up alone and in a very miserable state.
Its very unfortunate because I truly did fall  in love with her and planned on being together forever but she can not handle a adult relationship nor can she communicate like an adult. 3.5 years and we never talked on the phone every communication had to be through text, yet she would talk to others on the phone ie: her kids and her friends.

It didn't matter what the topic or how serious with me text only not even face to face, as I look back I see what others have told me about her being immature, constant selfies on snapchat even really immature ones something you would expect a 13 year old to be doing to be honest.

It will take awhile but each day brings me more peace and shows me that its for the best, thank you for your post I appreciate the reaching out.

[Cromwell]

Shaken

Could missing "her" company be expanded out a bit, maybe you are having feelings of more generalised loneliness and missing "company". Reason I say so, it took experience of dating again and having some fun, for those moments my mind was not "missing my ex", and I think that helped to recognise. Im sure there are some things about her company you do not miss, the memories of being lied to for example and whatever else. Its all stored, retrieved, and can become cyclical. The love bombing and idealising you mention it has that affect I believe, it creates a very small world of "only two" and once that happens, there is little buffer space for avoiding the high emotions that implode within there. I had plenty of friends, a bunch of girls dating at the time, when I finally chose BPD ex it was the start of the world shrinking very rapidly. Part of it I did enjoy (the good parts, who would not?) just as you have said. And I ignored my friends, when the phone texted every 5 seconds and they remarked about it. I just felt too happy, it would have maybe been concern as over-the-top, but I ignored all that. Benefit of the doubt, then later, gave that to lies I could not fully prove, and so on.

To answer my own rhetorical question "who wouldnt"? well that is where learning comes in. Id see it different if it happened again. plus id no doubt feel triggered a lot. which neither of which is a "bad" thing. Ive got through the grief and so on, this is now just bolted on life experience to draw upon. I was 3 years, it was not a "waste" of life with a mendacious liar/serial cheat, but I did see it that way at times.

enough blether from me but thanks for letting me, and just keep going man your on your way.

[Shaken54]

Thanks Cromwell,
 Honestly you are correct on many points, I am sure that what I am experiencing is loneliness to a degree.
I can say I 100 percent fell in love with her which makes this so difficult, I know now this was a one sided relationship and more than likely she did not have feeling for me at all, I mean how can someone go from telling you they love you all the time and telling you that your stuck with them to dropping you like nothing.
Its mind boggling to me, she still reaches out I guess looking for validation of her feelings or something.

Something struck me a few weeks ago she texted me I had not heard from her for awhile, I told her in conversation that I had been in the hospital overnight. She didn't even ask me why she just said she was in the hospital and told me why, I really dont believe she was to be honest its like she had to make that statement from me about herself.

I am trying my best I know i need to block her and move on after all she has done to me and my family. All the lying and it still continues, the blow ups over petty things its so stupid.
I feel like I am caught in a addiction to her.
Even after all I been through with her and even after a conversation with her daughter who told me she is the most destructive person she has ever met, I still have a hard time letting go completely.