Undiagnosed BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My husband of 30 years decided to leave. I had no clue he wanted out. He'd been working away from home for a year, coming home every two weeks for the weekend. On his last trip away I flew to him and we drove home together over a week. We had a relaxing, fun, intimate time. 4 weeks later he announced he wanted to leave. I was seeing a psych for other issues which included some of his behaviours over the years, suicidal thoughts, aggression, selfish behaviour, reckless behaviour over spending, and demeaning myself and our 2 kids. In those sessions my psych suggested his behaviour indicated BPD. I then discovered he was having an affair with someone 23 years younger. The second I found out, he packed a bag and was gone within 30 mins, telling me it was all on me and if I'd gotten help 10 years ago none of this would have happened. He also said we were not allowed to ask questions if we wanted him to remain in our lives. He moved in with this girl who spent a lot of our money. 4 weeks after leaving her he moved in with someone else. I feel sad for him, he saw a psych many years ago but said he wasn't honest with him. I need to take care of me but I'm worried I'll give in when he tries to come back, last week he said he was still inlove with me. I know that's not true. Anyone experienced this before, any advice. He's been gone 6 months and the contact is less when he's with someone else. I don't trust him anymore.

[Flyintheweb]

My husband of 30 years decided to leave. I had no clue he wanted out. He'd been working away from home for a year, coming home every two weeks for the weekend. On his last trip away I flew to him and we drove home together over a week. We had a relaxing, fun, intimate time. 4 weeks later he announced he wanted to leave. I was seeing a psych for other issues which included some of his behaviours over the years, suicidal thoughts, aggression, selfish behaviour, reckless behaviour over spending, and demeaning myself and our 2 kids. In those sessions my psych suggested his behaviour indicated BPD. I then discovered he was having an affair with someone 23 years younger. The second I found out, he packed a bag and was gone within 30 mins, telling me it was all on me and if I'd gotten help 10 years ago none of this would have happened. He also said we were not allowed to ask questions if we wanted him to remain in our lives. He moved in with this girl who spent a lot of our money. 4 weeks after leaving her he moved in with someone else. I feel sad for him, he saw a psych many years ago but said he wasn't honest with him. I need to take care of me but I'm worried I'll give in when he tries to come back, last week he said he was still inlove with me. I know that's not true. Anyone experienced this before, any advice. He's been gone 6 months and the contact is less when he's with someone else. I don't trust him anymore.

[khibomsis]

  Flyintheweb, and welcome to the family! I am truly sorry for what you are going through! After 30 years, it must be all you can do to hold yourself together. Give it time. Your first priority at this point is taking care of yourself. Many people on these boards who have lived with pwBPD for years find that even sleeping through the night, having a day without fear, or being able to spend time on themselves, makes a huge difference.
You can't love without trust. that's the bottom line. With a sane person, there might be a possibility of going through a process of restoring trust, perhaps through couple therapy. A pwBPD this is practically impossible. Unless he is prepared to go to therapy for himself, and spend years re-learning his behaviour, your relationship will continue as it  has in the past.
A more fruitful approach is maybe to ask yourself what is it about you that kept you in it for so many years?
Here is some reading that might help you think through that: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

You will get through this. We are here for you.
 

[Flyintheweb]

Flyintheweb, and welcome to the family! I am truly sorry for what you are going through! After 30 years, it must be all you can do to hold yourself together. Give it time. Your first priority at this point is taking care of yourself. Many people on these boards who have lived with pwBPD for years find that even sleeping through the night, having a day without fear, or being able to spend time on themselves, makes a huge difference.
You can't love without trust. that's the bottom line. With a sane person, there might be a possibility of going through a process of restoring trust, perhaps through couple therapy. A pwBPD this is practically impossible. Unless he is prepared to go to therapy for himself, and spend years re-learning his behaviour, your relationship will continue as it  has in the past.
A more fruitful approach is maybe to ask yourself what is it about you that kept you in it for so many years?
Here is some reading that might help you think through that: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

You will get through this. We are here for you.
 

[Flyintheweb]

Thank you Khibomis for the welcome and for the advice and link it was all very helpful.