Looking for a path forward.

[Couper]

I’ve been lurking here for awhile now.  When I first found this place I expected there to be little activity.  While I am grateful that there are people here to talk, I think it is a sad situation that there are so many.

I’ll try to condense this as best I can.  Got married a dozen years ago and as soon as the “I do’s” were done, it was like a switch was flipped.  I see so many say that they got one or two good years before things started going downhill…. I didn’t even get a day.  We did what we were “supposed to do” in that we didn’t live together beforehand, let alone anything else.  If we had, she never would have been able to conceal the real her.  I spent the first ten years just trying to figure out what the hell was going on and then I started getting wise about how to handle it and unknowingly started to adopt a lot of the strategies that are suggested for situations like these.  It was only a year ago that I came across BPD and then it was like all of the pieces of the puzzle came together.  Caught in the middle of all of this, we have two wonderful lovely children that are +/- ten years from becoming adults.

What was really the turning point was a couple of years ago another moving goalpost was erected and I was finally able to predict the outcome.  Now it was “marriage counseling, we have to have marriage counseling and if you don’t do it we’re headed for divorce”.  Just like every other instance the blame was all being hung around my neck for something I hadn’t even done (or not not done) yet.  Me being me, I don’t blab to strangers about private matters like this and I could see where the problems were, so initially I was reluctant, but the more she crammed it down my throat, I caught on and realized what was happening.  I also got to the point that I welcomed the idea of an impartial 3rd party to listen, so I decided that the next time it came up I would agree to go.  I also knew that would kill it.  If in the off chance that it didn’t I would still go because when I agree to do something, I do it, but it played out exactly like I thought.  The next time she raised the issue, I agreed, and she looked like somebody let all the air out of her balloon.  I told her to choose the person and time, it was all her show so she couldn’t hang it on me by saying I was picking someone biased.  A week passes, a month, six months…. every time she’d come out with some new hurdle I had to jump like another workbook or another video to watch or whatever, I’d raise marriage counseling again: “I want to go.  You told me it was all over if I didn’t do it and I agreed to go.  You said it is everything you ever wanted.  Stick to what you said and let’s go”.  I later found out that in the background all this time she was telling her go-to friend (that is first on the scene to commiserate and pour gasoline on almost any fire she starts) that initially it was all on me for not wanting to do counseling, but after I did agree (and her friend was so happy and envious for her) she had every reason not to do it…. yet none of those reasons entered into the equation until I agreed to go.  I think she finally lost some status with her friend over that.  She is very careful about who she will manipulate for sympathy, so I’m sure it was used on certain others, as well.

After a year of this it finally clinched it for me that I am nothing but a tool to her.  That’s all anybody is in her world.  We’re all just little tools in a little tool box and each one has a different purpose to help her accomplish her goals.  Each is fed a different narrative depending on who they are and what they can do for her.  I’m the tool she badmouths so she can garner sympathy from others.  “He yelled at me again” (but conveniently leaves out the part about how she intentionally broke a prized possession to elicit such a response).  She feeds on negative attention.  So now I don’t react to anything.  If she says she wants to do something and I agree, she’ll then change it to something she thinks I won’t agree with and will keep doing so for as long as I’m willing to play.  Once I detect it, I just say, “okay, you’ll figure it out” and walk away.  It is impossible to have a conversation.  Every statement is met with a question and every question is answered with a question.  If she encounters me having a healthy and lively conversation with someone else, she becomes jealous. 

You all know the drill.  The marriage counseling thing is pretty mild.  As with so many here, I have documented other experiences that would leave anybody from a regular healthy relationship curled up in the corner with their teddy bear.  I’m fortunate in that I think I’m pretty strong minded and objective and, try as she might, she has not succeeded in distorting my sense of reality.  Due to some documentation I happened upon over the last couple of years I now know how she got to be the way that she is.  It is a tragedy and I have told her so directly, offered her sympathy and support for how she was wronged, but also told her that she needs help to deal with it.  Help that I am not trained to provide, but if she wants help I will do everything in my power to make it happen.  Of course, she refuses and immediately says, “oh, it’s all my fault again” and turns it back on me because she has already decided not to hear what I have to say.  I would say she fits at least six of the BPD criteria.  Part of what I struggle with is she was wronged such a long time ago, but today she is an adult.  I know from a few different ways that she can be conscious of her actions in many situations.  Some of those actions (lying, for instance) may even be a separate issue from BPD, but she is also an adult making a choice and that choice is not to get help.  Given all of that, cruel as it sounds, about a year ago I “snoozed” her, for lack of a better term.  It was either that she was going to take down me and her both, or she could go down alone.  No sense in sinking two ships.  I’m not going to allow myself to be destroyed in the process.  Except for an inexplicable recent break from the near-daily hysteria, I’d say on average she’s ready to strike about 65% of the time.  It is exhausting.  I try to maintain civility as best I can, I hold up my end of the work that needs to be done, I refuse to engage in any outbursts as best I can, but that is about my limit now.  I fear what is about to come when this unusually long term of serenity finally breaks, and it will break.  I am under no illusions otherwise.     

Before knowing about BPD, I confronted her about self-sabotaging and she denied knowing what that was…. yet, in her writings, I later find multiple times throughout her history prior to me that she acknowledged that she self-sabotages (using that exact phrase).  She has left a long trail of broken relationships in her wake.  Almost immediately after “I do” I get slapped with, “I have trust issues” while looking at me with crazy eyes…. but that phrase never came up in pre-marriage counseling.  None of this stuff did, but she was wholly aware of it.  Things she agreed with prior to marriage with respect to child rearing (vaccinations and whatnot) I later find out that she had no intention of following through at all.  To me that is a premeditated betrayal.  There has never been any “us” in anything all these years.  She is constantly going off in her own direction, whether it is in her best interest or not.  Usually not.

I guess I haven’t really asked a question.  As rough as all of this sounds, I try to find the usefulness in everything everywhere that I can. My take on all of this has been that maybe I had to go through this trail so I could appreciate the beauty in things that I would have otherwise taken for granted a dozen years ago.  My perspective on things has certainly broadened throughout this whole ordeal and opened my eyes to a world that I had no idea existed – both the good and the bad parts of it.  Now I feel that all the learning there is to be done has ended, the trail is over, yet I am stuck here with what should be the best years of my life flashing by.

My dream would be that one morning I would wake up and find a note saying that she hopped on the next bus to Siberia and left the kids with me.  That’s not likely to happen.  Divorce runs through my mind a lot these days and I worry a lot about what that act would do to my kids and what impact her hysteria would have if she were left alone with them for long periods of time.  Also, I’m self-employed (my private property is necessary to my work) and while divorce isn’t easy for anyone, it is especially complicated outside of a regular 9-to-5 situation that just about only produces at a break-even, anyway.  I can’t afford to finance two households.  My work is fairly complex problem solving day in and day out, yet this issue has been my biggest problem to date and I can’t get off dead-center with finding a solution.  Thanks for listening.                                 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Couper, Welcome!  Many of us have been in your shoes, so you are not alone.  I have a question: Are you looking for a path forward with your BPD spouse?  If so, this might not be the best board for you as we are a pretty jaded bunch here on Detaching and Learning.  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Couper]

Hey Couper, Welcome!  Many of us have been in your shoes, so you are not alone.  I have a question: Are you looking for a path forward with your BPD spouse?  If so, this might not be the best board for you as we are a pretty jaded bunch here on Detaching and Learning.  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

Hi Jim,

Thanks for seeking clarification.  I wasn't sure this was the best area, either, but when I went through the "making a first post" process whatever selection I picked seemed to be the most relevant one and this is where I got planted.

I won't say that jaded doesn't fit!  That probably comes through in my post.  It's not who I like to be as a person.  I like to find solutions, fix the problem, learn from it, and move on.  Of course, that's not so cut and dried in a case like this.

So far as detachment goes, I think I got there on my own.  In all of these years since getting married, there pretty much hasn't been one single night that I wanted to go home, so I guess I don't find myself longing for something that once was like so many others do.  I don't have that original point of reference as a baseline.  I'm under no illusion that I'm going to wave a magic wand and create a happy home.  Even if I could, it would have to include wiping my memory and starting over because I don't know how I could ever think the old her wasn't lurking in the shadows waiting to unravel everything like has happened so many times before.  She's not one of those people that, "when she's good, she's good".  Not with me anyway.  No charisma, no seduction, nothing tricky like that.  There is this near-constant sullen petulant child undertone.

I guess one thing on moving forward is:  Would I be better off riding this out for the next ten'ish years?  The basis for all decisions in my life is the well-being of my children.  I would step in front of a speeding train to save them.  If I have to live in this Twilight Zone scenario for the next several years to generate the best possible outcome for them, that will weigh heavily into my decision.  Regular divorce is hard enough on kids.  I can't imagine the psychological manipulation they could be subject to if left alone (currently I can intervene, at least) after a firestorm is lit off.

Maybe another thing would be hearing from anyone that has been through divorce as a self-employed / small business owner (I realize the official answer is to consult a lawyer), but I'd like to have some idea of the risks involved so I'd know what questions to ask.  For regular W2 wage earners, it is a totally different animal.  If you look as your life as slices of a pie: marriage, property, job... for people in my position the pie seemingly has no slices.  It is all intertwined, particularly since my business operates on the same property as my home and requires space and assets to do it (it's not a home office / laptop sort of thing).  I can't just pack up and move and downsize if some judge that doesn't understand business says I have to scale back my life so I can provide for her.  Things pretty much zero out as they are now.  I realize that's getting the cart ahead of the horse, but just throwing that out there because it's such a huge part of the equation.

I could live another 40 or 50 years, and hope I do, and I want to maximize my quality of life.  I realize that for a long time to come, married or not, there will be an anchor around my neck, but I can't let it drag me to the bottom.  There has to be some kind of incremental way to lighten the load such that there's continuous steady improvement.  I've feel like I have things moving in that direction with the "snoozing" that I've implemented, but I've sort of stalled and now need to move beyond that.

Sorry for another long note!  I get going and it all just sort of pours out.       

 

[EZEarache]

Gabba Gabba Hey Couper!

 If in the off chance that it didn’t I would still go because when I agree to do something, I do it, but it played out exactly like I thought...  I told her to choose the person and time, it was all her show so she couldn’t hang it on me by saying I was picking someone biased. 

You are going by this completely correctly for two reasons:

First, I made the mistake of choosing the therapist, because I was under duress and needed to get professional help quickly. She was immediately dissatisfied with my decision because she wasn't in control. Let her choose if you can.

BUT...

Second, it sounds like the couple's therapy conversation has gone on for about a year.  I recommend you just book someone for yourself, and follow the thought process of, "I would still go because when I agree to do something, I do it." Find someone with experience in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). Even if you decide to detach, having an expert that can tell you exactly how to handle the BPD situations will be beneficial, I think. The therapist I grabbed is good. I've been through a lot of therapy in the last 20 years because of my own issues. So far he's the best I've had. However, I wish he was more versed with DBT, these are the skills I need to learn even after moving out. You'll still need to interact with her over visitation/custody, and it becomes even more difficult, or for lack of a better term, F&*!*!G impossible.

[Couper]

Gabba Gabba Hey Couper!

You are going by this completely correctly for two reasons:

First, I made the mistake of choosing the therapist, because I was under duress and needed to get professional help quickly. She was immediately dissatisfied with my decision because she wasn't in control. Let her choose if you can.

BUT...

Second, it sounds like the couple's therapy conversation has gone on for about a year.  I recommend you just book someone for yourself, and follow the thought process of, "I would still go because when I agree to do something, I do it." Find someone with experience in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). Even if you decide to detach, having an expert that can tell you exactly how to handle the BPD situations will be beneficial, I think. The therapist I grabbed is good. I've been through a lot of therapy in the last 20 years because of my own issues. So far he's the best I've had. However, I wish he was more versed with DBT, these are the skills I need to learn even after moving out. You'll still need to interact with her over visitation/custody, and it becomes even more difficult, or for lack of a better term, F&*!*!G impossible.

Thank you for the feedback.  I know that I certainly haven't done everything correctly along the way but I also spent ten years flying blind.  By the time this particular episode came around, I had the benefit of enough previous false-outrages under my belt to understand what was coming.  The aggressor sets the rules and it took me a long time to learn that the common rules of conflict resolution amongst civil people do not apply here.  That's one of the things that I really dislike the most.  I am having to reprogram myself to deal with one person (with that person telling me I am the root cause of all of her problems) while at the same time I maintain many relationships (new and old), some complicated, just by being me.   

The couples therapy conversation (that never really was a conversation) gave birth about two years ago and died instantly about 18 months ago.  You are right that I need to find somebody for in-person discussions and I have been looking.  All I can do is look at profiles and none of them so far do it for me.  My take is that this BPD stuff is highly specialized and it seems like everyone working in this field around here has a list of 20 "expertises".  I do specialized work myself, enough to know that it is unlikely that anybody is proficient in so many different things.  I find myself referring work to specialists all the time.  Nobody can do it all and it makes me skeptical about what they really can do.   

[Lucky Jim]

The basis for all decisions in my life is the well-being of my children.

Hey Couper, I agree with that priority, yet in the context of a BPD r/s the answer may prove elusive.  A lot of factors, of course, come into play when children are involved, and some militate towards staying and some towards leaving.  Only you can find your way through the BPD swamp, though we are here to point you in the right direction.

In my case, I depleted my emotional, physical and financial resources because I believed that I owed it to my kids to try everything to keep my marriage intact.  In the process, I lost my way and forgot who I was.  Things got so bad that two kind friends and a family member conducted an intervention on me.  That's a story for another day, but suffice to say they probably saved my life.  (That sounds melodramatic, I know).

I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

LJ