Genetic Predispositions

[Duped_312]

Hello, forgive me if I'm not in the right place, and if I'm not, show me over to the more appropriate forum.

My fiancé of 6 years and I parted ways three months ago, finally. After many many years of abnormal, low functioning adulthood, he finally put me over the edge and I got out.

After having, and continuing to have, many a-ha moments and realizations about his BPD, it makes so many other things click. Like a lot of people on here it seems, "connecting the dots" happens frequently with this disorder. One of those things is my ex fiancé's father. He committed suicide around 38 years old. He was, from story telling, a massive alcoholic and wife-beater. My fiancé's mother stayed with him for longer than was safe, but it was the 1970's and that was just what you did. My ex has always postured that he was inappropriately touched when he was a kid. After divorced happened, my fiancé and his brother were also inappropriate touched the mother's boyfriend. I believe now that the father had uBPD.

The brother became the father, a massive alcoholic, abusive, psycho. He is as classically outward BPD as it gets. He has since figured out a way to fake it til he made it and has a wife who wipes his entire a**hole for him so thats how he functions. But everyone knows he's a time bomb disaster. God only knows what goes on in that house. My fiancé, on the other hand, is much quieter. Is not "violent" or "outburst"y.  His BPD is not overtly extrinsic like that. Its like he goes out of his way NOT to do that, which in turn makes him internalize the rage and torments him. I mean, he would explode once in awhile and punch something or bang something with his fist really hard for a couple seconds. (I'd be like.. are you finished?) But otherwise... was not crazily angry and violent. He was incredibly self destructive in almost mind boggling ways otherwise (purposely crashing cars and hurting himself, "falling" all the time, always hurt, always in the hospital seeking care and attention) So... clearly there is a propensity for mental health issues with that family. The mother is neurotic and from one of those enormous Irish families with 100 kids. They, and all their own kids, are batsh*t. Gambling, drinking, weirdness. Allthing the sons of his mother do. This family has a major genetic problem.

My question.  My ex and I have two children. They are both babies, under 2. One boy, one girl. I have entered a new arena of worry. I had spent 6 years worried about him all the time, and now he's finally out of my face, I am worried THEY will have this, or develop this, or something will be sleeping under the hood, waiting to trigger at the slightest life issue. I panic about any little outburst my otherwise very normal boy has. "Is this is a sign of a problem? I must protect him at all costs!" And I get crazy that bc something bad cant happen to him (or else he'll trigger into BPD), it WILL, somewhere out of my sight, out of my control. I'm nervous about my daughter, bc a lot of stories on here are about female BPDs. I worry that this man has infected our sweet children with his abhorrent family history. And yes infected. I don't care how bad that sounds. My family's no picnic, I'll be the first to say. But we are really good people, and just fairly normal in that American way. I don't think we have anything to pass down that would be that undesirable, nor is that a family history of anything like this, which believe I've sat and thought back. Nothing is as glaringly obvious as my ex's family tree. Sadly, I already had the children with him before I knew how bad he and his family really were. And Im telling you they are bad.

None of the boards Ive been reading have mentioned this propensity for genetics. I hear a lot that a mother and a daughter have it, or a sister and a father.. or whatever, but nothings really gone any further about genetics and what it might mean scientifically going forward. Is anyone worried about their children? 

I am in a fresh-out state of mind so right now Im massively resentful of my ex and just about anything he or that sh*t family of his is involved with. So I dont really feel bad calling them undesirable, or saying that their crap has infected my children. They're horrible. Maybe one day Ill use kinder language, but ..  likely not.  My children are the sweetest. Like THE sweetest. Cute, funny, smart, ... I'm lucky to have them. And he has endangered us too many times to count. I was stupid and put them in harms way for too long. I am a raging mamma bear at this point, with crazy thoughts happening and panicking about future scenarios that may or may not happen. He has ruined so much of our lives. I am distraught at the thought of him not ruining us physically, but now ruining us mentally through the babies.

Has anyone ever had these thoughts? Worries? Fears? I understand that the answer is to just watch behaviors and functioning, tackle it the minute I see it. Deal with it as it comes. I get that. Im not looking for a what-to-do.  I just wanted to know if anyone had any insight about genetics, and all that.

Thank you!

[grumpydonut]

Hi Duped,

I believe there is a study that suggests that 80% of those with borderline mothers will be borderline also. Double check.

However, probably important to note that this doesn't necessarily mean it's genetic, could just be related to the lack of stable attachment the mother has with the child - thus creating a borderline.

[Duped_312]

Thank you, yes that attachment piece you mentioned at the end there is incredibly important bc thats such a defining aspect of all the issues over there. I guess I can't predict everything, nor protect my babies from everything, but I certainly pray and hope to be a stable, hard working, and respectable female figure in their lives, just to do my part for the possibility of that attachment trigger.  Thank you! and I will look into the study.

[Drtakjh]

I am sure you know this, but any personality issues that may have a genetic component are “predispositions”, not certainties. At the same time, if I were worried about my children, I would be certain to teach them skills that will help them manage any tendency toward emotional dysregulation, such as mindfulness. Also, I would have them generate several choices for how they could handle difficult situations that come up and especially think through the likely outcomes of each one. Borderlines do not know they have choices. Finally, I would ask them to identify their part in conflicts, and be sure they know that their own part is the only part they can change. Don’t worry too much, and enjoy them as I know you will!

[Cromwell]

predispositon is not a 'fate'

it just a stastical based tendency for it to happen based on whatever genes we are referring to.

I have not heard of any BPD related genes except they are looking at a few such ones that code for oxytocin hormone. Even this they are unsure of. So it is a lot of work in progress to map, and figure out and try to link theory with practice.

but there is plenty to do - to safeguard and protect from environmental/social issues. Just as genes have been discovered that show predisposition to substance abuse such as alcoholism. It can only occur with the environmental trigger, the access to the drug, the other influences.

The Irish family with hundreds of kids you mention, im sure a lot of social/cultural/environmental issues are involved and these are strong. Genes may or may not play a role, I doubt they are decisive if they even do, but time will tell these things are still not fully known. Its difficult to associate genes with BPD compared to say DownSyndrome for example, it is personality disorder with over 200+ different combinations so what phenotype is being looked for?

substance misuse? There are plenty of folk who do this who do not have BPD
same goes for reckless driving/car crashes and "weird" behaviours

so it is at the moment at least a difficult question to answer.

Just keep looking after them as best they can and safeguard from any potential problematic/disordered role models is the way towards helping for increased chances of their long term survival/success.

[Duped_312]

Thank you to all of you.  I have already begun considering my son's emotional intelligence to identify feelings of frustration and overstimulation. He is only  20 months old and Im not like insane over it with him, but its just something to help learn feelings from behaviors. My little girl is incredibly attached to me already, I can tell. I tried to do cry it out method with her, for sleeping, and it did not go well. I felt horrible and felt like I was creating feelings of panic in her so I stopped and shes been amazing since. I dont want to do anything that will impact feelings of abandonment. I will NEVER abandon my babies.  My fiancé's mother abandoned her boys (and not her daughter) physically and emotionally. I dont want to say he never had a chance, but he kind of didnt. I will do everything in my power to avoid that. Thank you all for the input, and its actually slightly relieving that "genes" are probably not a given. I supposed genes are not a given in many circumstances. I will just do my best to assume that there is a natural propensity for this disorder and do my best to minimize triggers. thank you! <3

[once removed]

if you read the son and daughter board on this forum, its a pretty good case study.

you wont find a group of more loving parents.

and yet, each one of them has a son or daughter with bpd. at the same time, many of them also have sons or daughters who do not.

a great deal of this is an individual thing. its the same reason that out of two soldiers returning from war, one may develop ptsd, and the other wont.

the very short answer to your question is that it never hurts to get involved with a professional. there are so many factors and facets in child development. reacting strongly to any given one of them, or on the other hand, not acknowledging any given one of them, can have an affect (good or bad) on a childs development. parenting is complicated; there are thousands of books, many of them with overlapping advice, and many of them with conflicting advice, and virtually all of them will tell you that there is no fool proof blueprint for raising a child the "right" way. thats because every child has individual needs.

[grumpydonut]

Hi again,

I just listened to a psychiatric podcast on BPD. They quoted a study that found that the heritability of BPD was 45%.

But even they agree that it's nature + nurture. Genes give you a vulnerability towards something, rather than determining 100% that you will have a disorder.

[Duped_312]

Thanks! And yes I am firm believer of nature vs nurture.  And as for the parent board I’m not sure what perspective to take in there. I’m a parent but not necessarily of a child with BPD…  or if I should take the perspective of my exes mother, in which case she was not loving , and his father was a drunk uBPD.. now she is loving in the emotional protection way and denies any mental problems.   I will snoop around the group get a feel for other stories. If not for anything else I can see if there were any signs or triggers they know for sure happened.  Thank you