I don't know how to talk to him anymore

[ThornlessCactus]

I've been staring at my computer screen for about a half an hour, not knowing where to begin...I'll start with the facts, I guess.
My SO was diagnosed with BPD and has narcissistic traits.
I personally struggle with depression and anxiety every single day and on top of that I have to also manage his behaviors that have started to become more and more abusive. I believe he has an anger problem as he often becomes aggressive out of the blue in the middle of an argument. He never abused me physically but he does kick/ punch furniture/ walls or he throws things violently across the room. These episodes happen to trigger my own childhood trauma (aggressive alcoholic father) and I would do anything to avoid them.
These behaviors usually occur when I try to express my feelings or when I try to explain that a certain thing he said or did was hurtful, why it was hurtful, etc. I believe that he feels somewhat cornered in these situations and that the narcissist in him simply refuses to acknowledge the fact that he is subject to error just like any other human being on earth. Moreover, he lacks the empathy to own up and take responsibility for his actions. He often blames his faults on me or points out that all I do is wrongfully accuse him. He doesn't apologize or show remorse for hurting me.
What usually happens is I try to talk to him, he gets angry and lashes out in an aggressive manner which puts a stop to the conversation. Then we go into this 2-3 day phase where we give each other the silent treatment. During this time I expect him to own up and apologize and he expects me to simply get over it with no effort on his part. When we do start talking again I feel the need to clarify things because I still feel unheard, not understood but he says he is tired of talking about it and it would be better to close the subject so that we don't get into a fight again. At that moment his apologies are along the lines of "I'm sorry but you are too sensitive" or "I am sorry but you keep blaming everything on me and I can't take it anymore" or, even better "I already said I was sorry, what more do you want me to do" (but he says this without ever apologizing before).
Before getting to this horrible stage in our relationship I used to keep a lot of my feelings bottled up because I didn't want to hurt him in any way. However, that took a massive toll on my sanity: my depression worsened, I developed all kinds of anxieties, I have lost my motivation, my energy, my sense of self not to mention the fact that my self esteem is nowhere to be found. When I reached something that looked a lot like rock bottom, I decided it was time to push back  and not let myself get turned into a doormat.
It's my first time reaching out to people in a support group because I have nobody else to talk to. My family has no idea about my partner's BPD and over the past few years I have drifted away from most of my friends. I would like to know if there is anyone out there who has experienced anything similar. How do you talk to your BPD partners? How do you manage to express your feelings in a safe way without getting hurt even more? How do You avoid their aggression?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Cat Familiar]

This sounds a lot like my experience with my ex husband. At first, he took out his aggression on objects, later on me. Like you, I kept this secret from family and friends and over time, became further isolated and estranged.

I’m glad you are reaching out. It is a huge burden to bear and those of us here have similar experiences and understand.

People with BPD (and NPD too) have a lot of internal shame and self loathing. It’s really hard for them to hear criticisms or complaints, and sometimes just hearing someone else’s problems seems like it cuts them to the core and they act out in ways you’ve experienced.

Expecting empathy and understanding from them is often impossible.

So he’s been diagnosed. Is he in therapy?

[ThornlessCactus]

This sounds a lot like my experience with my ex husband. At first, he took out his aggression on objects, later on me. Like you, I kept this secret from family and friends and over time, became further isolated and estranged.

I’m glad you are reaching out. It is a huge burden to bear and those of us here have similar experiences and understand.

People with BPD (and NPD too) have a lot of internal shame and self loathing. It’s really hard for them to hear criticisms or complaints, and sometimes just hearing someone else’s problems seems like it cuts them to the core and they act out in ways you’ve experienced.

Expecting empathy and understanding from them is often impossible.

So he’s been diagnosed. Is he in therapy?

Thank you so much for your response! Having someone acknowledge this thing I'm going through means the world to me.
He has been diagnosed by a professional about 4 years ago but he never did any kind of therapy. I occasionally try to bring it up and convince him that with time therapy really does help but he doesn't want to hear about it. He either says it's not the right time or he gets angry if I insist.
I, on the other hand used to see a therapist to help me cope with his behavior but at one point I simply stopped because no matter the discussion or argument we were having he kept saying that all I do is try to feed him all that psychotherapy bulls***.
So, to keep it short, he is not in therapy nor is he interested in seeing a therapist.

[Cat Familiar]

What about you returning to therapy to lessen the stress of living with him?