Another chance or am I just in denial?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been separated from my husband for almost 4mos now. I had to flee our home due to ongoing verbal and one incident of physical abuse. I have been clear that I wanted a divorce and haven’t wavered. The few times we were in contact (including 2 counseling sessions) his behavior was the same: gaslighting, blaming etc.. and confirmed to me I was doing the right thing. Before I left him I asked him repeatedly to get professional help, to no avail.

My husband has recently started saying all the right things, willingness to go to therapy, taking responsibility for his abuse etc... I feel myself wanting to believe him and have hope but not wanting to be sucked back in. He hasn’t been formally diagnosed but my therapist and I are almost 100% sure he has BPD based on his severe dysregulation, rages etc..

I’ve just been focusing on myself and my own therapy gaining insight into why I allowed the abuse. I have a lawyer lined up ready to file in August. I haven’t been in touch with him for a few weeks because I didn’t want to send mixed signals.

  Even so, the pain of the separation still takes my breath away. Like a lot of folks here, we had some really good years before his BPD took over.

Anyone have experience with giving them another chance? What were the boundaries you used to protect yourself?
I don’t know if I am still in denial and clinging to false hope or if I should actually try again with him.

[Anne081]

I have been separated from my husband for almost 4mos now. I had to flee our home due to ongoing verbal and one incident of physical abuse. I have been clear that I wanted a divorce and haven’t wavered. The few times we were in contact (including 2 counseling sessions) his behavior was the same: gaslighting, blaming etc.. and confirmed to me I was doing the right thing. Before I left him I asked him repeatedly to get professional help, to no avail.

My husband has recently started saying all the right things, willingness to go to therapy, taking responsibility for his abuse etc... I feel myself wanting to believe him and have hope but not wanting to be sucked back in. He hasn’t been formally diagnosed but my therapist and I are almost 100% sure he has BPD based on his severe dysregulation, rages etc..

I’ve just been focusing on myself and my own therapy gaining insight into why I allowed the abuse. I have a lawyer lined up ready to file in August. I haven’t been in touch with him for a few weeks because I didn’t want to send mixed signals.

  Even so, the pain of the separation still takes my breath away. Like a lot of folks here, we had some really good years before his BPD took over.

Anyone have experience with giving them another chance? What were the boundaries you used to protect yourself?
I don’t know if I am still in denial and clinging to false hope or if I should actually try again with him.

[once removed]

this is a breakup board. you should know that by extension, there is no one here who has had any success with, and probably no good feelings about reconciliation.

you may want to post on the Bettering board and come with a plan. explore the reasons the relationship ended, how they would be resolved (if possible), and what a very different relationship would look like.

youll either have a solid plan for giving it a fighting chance, or youll determine its best to go forward with divorce after exploring your options.

either way, dont go on words alone, and dont do anything hasty.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Anne081, I agree w/once removed: talk is cheap.  Actions speak louder than words.  I suggest you delay any decision until after he actually goes to therapy on a regular basis.  In my experience, those w/BPD are likely to drop out when the T holds him/her accountable for his/her actions.

LuckyJim

[Rex31807]

Get out. Once the physical abuse starts the cycles will escalate. The first time she hit me was 3 years into our marriage. Cold cocked me with her fist after we had been at a Church party where she drank too much wine. There wasn't another violent incident until 2015. Then it got bad. She attacked me 3 times between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I left.

I went back in early 2016.  This year has been awful. She has attacked me at least 10 times. It's gotten more intense to the point I was worried the neighbors would call the police.

Once the violence starts you have to GET OUT.  It's for your safety. For me if I stayed and the police were called I could end up in jail because the man usually does go to jail in these scenarios or they take both parties in. It's not worth it. You need peace. That is not LOVE.