Emotional affairs after 20 yrs married - it broke my heart again

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been married for 20 years to a very successful woman that I felt in love with instantaneously.   Although I don't want to sound naive, I knew from the beginning that she had some intense emotional issues.   Her way of thinking about relationships was completely different than mine.  Always striving for the in-love idea and honeymoon stages every day and every time she din't get what she expected, I felt that I lost critical points from the way that she felt in love.   I succumbed to her needs 24/7, but with both being military and the challenges of deployments, I was always putting her first at all times to prevent her from losing track of me.   I am a very realistic person who goes above and beyond to help others.   I was raised to be humbled and respectful.   After 3 emotional affairs and still denying all of them, I was forced to take action.   The last issue happened on Valentines Day while I was gone visiting my family.   Not to go in detail, but I knew she brought her emotional boyfriend to spend the night while my teenage kids were in house.  Of course, they didn't know, but once I confronted her about it, she completely denied the actions.   My anger took over and I packed her stuff and made it leave our beautiful home.   Unfortunately, my kids heard the entire argument as I didn't intent to.   She showed no guilt, remorse or empathy on how that affected me and will continue to affect me.   The only thing she said that she didn't know where to go...  I told her that there were plenty hotels in the area, as I had to do the same 8 years ago when she made me leave the house because of the 2nd emotional affair.   Stayed in an Extended Hotel for a year before I was forced to take orders and leave them in our home while she finished her tour.   She wanted the separation to figure out what's wrong with her.   I involuntary left because I felt I didn't have any choices.   During the two years, she willfully allowed her boyfriend and daughter to move-in into my house.   She still denying it happened.  At the end of the two years, she had to take orders overseas and started communicating for me to take orders to the same location to make it work, promising that she was going to get help...  During 4 years overseas, things were looking promising and I felt she was happy striving at work and at home.   As soon as we got back stateside, her stressors levels at work started to open those unfinished feelings of not being in-love with me again.   I was able to stabilize the marriage a little better since I was retired by then and had more quality time to spend with her and the kids.  But I felt she never valued my contributions to keep the marriage alive.   

During the past two years, she was assigned to a sea duty command that deploys 70% during the year.   During her most recent deployment, which I knew was going to be a stressor on her, I dedicated my efforts to keep her informed on everything (House, Kids, immediately family, my feelings), and assisted her with her work long distance.  I e-mailed  2 or 3 times a day telling her everything that she needed to know, especially how much I missed her.   Once I found out about the details of the 3 emotional affairs, I discovered that it was happening during the deployment and at the same time she was e-mailing back reassuring how much she love me and how much she was thinking of me.   The lies, deceive, and lack of guilt or shame, broke my heart in 1,000 pieces.    I know she loves me behind all of those detractors, but her unwillingness to get help knowing that she is destroying our beautiful family makes me angry and lost, knowing that there is nothing I can do to help her anymore. 

I am not looking for hope or an explanation, but I never quitted on her hoping that time will cure her heart - and I was wrong.    She wants to be on her own, willing to let me take my teenage daughter out of state and not willing to fight her demons.   I cry every night as I cannot sleep anymore.   Every time I close my eyes I envision her with another man and it's killing me on the inside.   Her family never knew about our issues and I know it's not a public discussion with them.    But she always kept it away from them as she didn't want them to know about her issues.   Unfortunately, the time is coming that she won't be able to keep the fake version of herself and some of the truth will come out.    And I know it will be additional stressors on her and I do expect for her to blame me for not giving her what she needed all of these years.   A few days ago, she finally expressed some emotions to my daughter, because she knows I'm taking her away to make a new start.   A new start where there are no lies!  It hurts taking her with me, but I can't stay close to her in the same area as I know she will continue to use me for her gain...  And she is still the love of my life.   Feel Lost Without Her!   

[Hope 2021]

I've been married for 20 years to a very successful woman that I felt in love with instantaneously.   Although I don't want to sound naive, I knew from the beginning that she had some intense emotional issues.   Her way of thinking about relationships was completely different than mine.  Always striving for the in-love idea and honeymoon stages every day and every time she din't get what she expected, I felt that I lost critical points from the way that she felt in love.   I succumbed to her needs 24/7, but with both being military and the challenges of deployments, I was always putting her first at all times to prevent her from losing track of me.   I am a very realistic person who goes above and beyond to help others.   I was raised to be humbled and respectful.   After 3 emotional affairs and still denying all of them, I was forced to take action.   The last issue happened on Valentines Day while I was gone visiting my family.   Not to go in detail, but I knew she brought her emotional boyfriend to spend the night while my teenage kids were in house.  Of course, they didn't know, but once I confronted her about it, she completely denied the actions.   My anger took over and I packed her stuff and made it leave our beautiful home.   Unfortunately, my kids heard the entire argument as I didn't intent to.   She showed no guilt, remorse or empathy on how that affected me and will continue to affect me.   The only thing she said that she didn't know where to go...  I told her that there were plenty hotels in the area, as I had to do the same 8 years ago when she made me leave the house because of the 2nd emotional affair.   Stayed in an Extended Hotel for a year before I was forced to take orders and leave them in our home while she finished her tour.   She wanted the separation to figure out what's wrong with her.   I involuntary left because I felt I didn't have any choices.   During the two years, she willfully allowed her boyfriend and daughter to move-in into my house.   She still denying it happened.  At the end of the two years, she had to take orders overseas and started communicating for me to take orders to the same location to make it work, promising that she was going to get help...  During 4 years overseas, things were looking promising and I felt she was happy striving at work and at home.   As soon as we got back stateside, her stressors levels at work started to open those unfinished feelings of not being in-love with me again.   I was able to stabilize the marriage a little better since I was retired by then and had more quality time to spend with her and the kids.  But I felt she never valued my contributions to keep the marriage alive.   

During the past two years, she was assigned to a sea duty command that deploys 70% during the year.   During her most recent deployment, which I knew was going to be a stressor on her, I dedicated my efforts to keep her informed on everything (House, Kids, immediately family, my feelings), and assisted her with her work long distance.  I e-mailed  2 or 3 times a day telling her everything that she needed to know, especially how much I missed her.   Once I found out about the details of the 3 emotional affairs, I discovered that it was happening during the deployment and at the same time she was e-mailing back reassuring how much she love me and how much she was thinking of me.   The lies, deceive, and lack of guilt or shame, broke my heart in 1,000 pieces.    I know she loves me behind all of those detractors, but her unwillingness to get help knowing that she is destroying our beautiful family makes me angry and lost, knowing that there is nothing I can do to help her anymore. 

I am not looking for hope or an explanation, but I never quitted on her hoping that time will cure her heart - and I was wrong.    She wants to be on her own, willing to let me take my teenage daughter out of state and not willing to fight her demons.   I cry every night as I cannot sleep anymore.   Every time I close my eyes I envision her with another man and it's killing me on the inside.   Her family never knew about our issues and I know it's not a public discussion with them.    But she always kept it away from them as she didn't want them to know about her issues.   Unfortunately, the time is coming that she won't be able to keep the fake version of herself and some of the truth will come out.    And I know it will be additional stressors on her and I do expect for her to blame me for not giving her what she needed all of these years.   A few days ago, she finally expressed some emotions to my daughter, because she knows I'm taking her away to make a new start.   A new start where there are no lies!  It hurts taking her with me, but I can't stay close to her in the same area as I know she will continue to use me for her gain...  And she is still the love of my life.   Feel Lost Without Her!   

[ForeverDad]

As I understand the phrase, emotional affairs are usually ones where the heart wanders but there isn't actual intimacy or typical infidelity.  Maybe it involves excessive talking, meals, etc.  You described her having private nights and longer periods with others not her husband.  That's just plain affairs, whether she admits it or not.  It would be quite unlikely for there not to have been intimacy and infidelity on all those long nights.  Wouldn't you agree?

While every person is, to a larger or lesser degree, different from every other person, there are some patterns professionals and we here in peer support have noticed...

Men with BPD:
Many disordered fathers may want to look good but drift away from the children once the adult relationship is ended.  (Maybe that's why society seems to assume fathers should move on and be weekend dads.)  Some do not wander off and become real problems for the reasonably normal mother.

Women with BPD:  (often the opposite pattern)
Some/few disordered mothers may want to look good but drift away from the children once the adult relationship is ended.    Most do not wander off and become real problems for the reasonably normal father.

I highlighted the pattern your spouse seems to exhibit.  To condense it into as few words as possible...  A smaller subset of mothers are more preoccupied with their adult relationships than with their children.

What to do?  You're already pondering ending your adult relationship with her.  You're already the Primary Parent in your child's life.  As the reasonably normal parent, you need to remain in that authority.

Document now all the things that demonstrate you are the Primary Parent such as school involvement, doctor appointments, emergency care, religious training, etc.  Consult with a few experienced and proactive family law lawyers on where you stand in your state and circumstances before making a final pick.  Get some consultations where you can ask questions and hear their suggested strategies.  (Just any lawyer is not enough, you'll need more than a typical forms filer and hand holder.)

Remember this contrast... when you're trying to make a marriage work, you share information.  However the reverse if you're pondering an exit, share only parenting information and other necessary matters.  Your personal thoughts on the marriage's future and your future legal strategies must remain confidential otherwise it risks being TMI (too much information) and you'd probably sabotage yourself and your parenting.

You are on the right path, that you're planning on remaining the stable and involved parent.  Don't think you have to be overly-fair.  Many fathers have bent over backwards to be super-fair and regretted it for years.  To be blunt, family courts don't appear to care how fair you are.  They of course don't want to see a father angrily blocking or spitefully retaliating against the other spouse.  But, of course, you wouldn't do that.  Just don't feel you ought to Gift away yourself or your parenting.

[Hope 2021]

Thank you Forever Dad!   I do appreciate your wisdom and views on what's happening to me.   I am on track to move away in the next 4 weeks with my daughter.   The current affair is still going on and she doesn't show any guilt or remorse about the damage that she is causing to our family.   Nevertheless, you are right!   I need to disengage from the relationship since she doesn't have the tools to comprehend the actual reality of the situation.   Sad story as I'm still in love with her.   Hard to process that in my mind.    I know I have to leave her but my heart still feels that I can do more for her.   The irony of my situation!   My therapy was subpar since I really didn't get the feedback about how I was dealing with the situation.   The Therapist just saw the reality that if she did it multiple times, why am I still here!   I already knew that, but was expecting feedback about my codependency to her... will probably find somebody else in the new location.   Again, thanks again for taking the time and providing your comments...

[kells76]

Hey Hope 2021, how are you and your daughter doing? If my math is correct, you're within ~2 weeks of moving away?

[Hope 2021]

Hey Hope 2021, how are you and your daughter doing? If my math is correct, you're within ~2 weeks of moving away?

Kells76, we are doing ok!   Still looking for a place as the market for rentals is crazy in Myrtle Beach.    Nevertheless, we have about 3 weeks or so before we leave the area.  Although I don't have a permanent location yet, I may have to find something temp for the time being, and wait a few more months in the area until somethings becomes available.   Besides that, I'm still having difficulties dealing with my wife's day to day interactions, if any, and her lack of guilt for what she is doing...  It does make things harder to deal with...  thanks for checking... cheers.