A repetitious cycle

[Our abuse recovery guide]

In retrospect, my father exhibited very Borderline traits and inevitably, my adult life has been marked by similar relationships, both romantic and otherwise. Currently, I am in a professional work relationship with a 65-year old man who I have done independent contracting work for, for about 3 1/2 years. This relationship too has been marked by this man's severe BPD (my diagnosis) and therefore emotional and verbal abuse (it is primarily phone communication, as we are not in the same city and often not in the same state). I have tried to give my notice many times but somehow continue to be roped back in. Today I am attempting again, with my therapist's help, to give my notice once and for all, after a series of verbally abusive voice messages the man left over the weekend. I am terrified to give my notice. I am terrified to stay. I have done work on this for years in therapy, but the leaving doesn't seem to get any easier.

[isabellamy]

In retrospect, my father exhibited very Borderline traits and inevitably, my adult life has been marked by similar relationships, both romantic and otherwise. Currently, I am in a professional work relationship with a 65-year old man who I have done independent contracting work for, for about 3 1/2 years. This relationship too has been marked by this man's severe BPD (my diagnosis) and therefore emotional and verbal abuse (it is primarily phone communication, as we are not in the same city and often not in the same state). I have tried to give my notice many times but somehow continue to be roped back in. Today I am attempting again, with my therapist's help, to give my notice once and for all, after a series of verbally abusive voice messages the man left over the weekend. I am terrified to give my notice. I am terrified to stay. I have done work on this for years in therapy, but the leaving doesn't seem to get any easier.

[pursuingJoy]

Welcome!  We're glad you're here. What part of giving your notice is most troublesome?

[missing NC]

Hi Isabellamy,

Your reluctance to break up with your client is understandable given that Cluster Bs do not take rejection well, and having had an on-again-off again (business) relationship makes it harder for both of you to finally pull the plug. Given that this is a business relationship, I wonder if you could simply send him a letter that looks like a form letter sent to multiple businesses informing him that you are tightening your target market to focus on a particular set of industries or a geographic area that does not include him (them) or that you have too may clients at this time to give his business the attention it deserves so you are referring him along with others in a similar line to a competitor in your field who you know does very good work.  You can thank him in the letter for the privilege of working with him, compliment him on some facet of his business and wish him well in the future.  

I am sorry you are going through this and strongly suspect that a portion of the problem is due to the differing expectations of a woman in business versus a man.  Regardless of personality factors, I doubt a man would try to suck another man back into working for him.  Good luck!  

[isabellamy]

Missing NC thanks for that insight - I agree, that a part of it does come down to gender expectations in the workplace, though I hadn't specifically given that a lot of thought until now. As an update, I did give my notice that same day that I originally posted, and carried it out as a version of what you suggested (a form letter), and simply sent an email that stated I was giving my notice, effective immediately, and that all documents and materials, both written and electronic would be (and have since been) returned. I also went super overboard (my analysis) and sent a separate email detailing all ongoing projects and tasks I have been responsible for, with appropriate login information, account information, contact information etc. attached.

To address your question pursuingJoy, I think the part of my notice that has caused the most distress is overriding a 2-week notice and going no contact immediately, with the knowledge that this man, while 65 in age, is about 5 years old in terms of his capabilities (5th grade education, not capable of penning a legible email, let alone logging into a website), so when he reaches out now with questions about real concerns - i.e. poor financial literacy that renders him unable to access his bank accounts, etc. (questions that I've already answered in the past, mind you), it takes all my power to avoid going to into caretaker/mother mode and just responding with a quick one or two line "fix-it" email (which I did the first day following my notice and then stopped).

Since I have him blocked on all channels, he now has other people reaching out to me to ask questions/get busines information, and at first I was responding to them as well, but I think now I need to stop even that. It's just a backdoor that allows him to continue the cycle with me. However, it is still terribly distressing for me to leave someone in a state of such distress and relative incapability, when I was responsible for 97% of his life. Only the awful somatic memories of receiving such verbally and emotionally abusive voicemails, phone calls, texts, and emails over the course of years stops me in my tracks.

[pursuingJoy]

Very wise not to respond to the other people he's sending for information. It's pretty normal and human to feel empathy for the difficulty he's experiencing due to your absence, but his situation is his responsibility. He's developed some pretty serious survival skills and he will likely (and quickly) find other people to fill your role.

If you're like me, you take pride in your work and in a job well done. When I invest, it's hard to drop it and watch it fail. I'm guessing it's really hard to watch all of your hard work fall apart. I know it would be for me.

Have you taken some time to think about why you're drawn into a caretaker role?

I'm really glad you've stepped away from such a draining work experience. How do you feel now? What is your next move for your life?