Separated, she deleted emails containing evidence of her abuse

[TheBatHammer]

Hi, everyone. Have been lurking and reading for a couple of weeks. I don't want to go too much into the background of what happened between us just yet, as I'm still kind of making sense of it all.

I'm currently separated from my wife who I suspect has BPD, pending dissolution/divorce. Two small children at home. Lots of accusations of overreacting, abandoning her and kids, threats about full custody, etc.

I've kept emails and journal entries from the last, oh, seven years or so that contained evidence of her verbal abuse and general behavior, and just discovered that she has apparently remotely deleted them from my account (unless Outlook has a weird sense of humor). It was mostly textbombs and such, and I'm sure she'll supply fresh ones soon, but...feeling discouraged today.

We're talking thousands of emails. I've verified there's no keylogger, etc on my computer. Outlook doesn't appear to have any cloud backup or method to get the emails back once they're gone, anyone know a data recovery option that could?

[formflier]

I think its a strong move that you stopped reading and started posting.  Sounds like you have a difficult road ahead.  We can help you navigate.

Hi, everyone. Have been lurking and reading for a couple of weeks. 

I would guess you need timely in person computer help.  Might cost some money, but that amount of data should be worth it.

Have you figured out the security hole she "got through" to be able to delete this data?

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

While I don't use Outlook, have you done an internet search whether there is a way to recover deleted emails?

In one search result I read that from the Home menu on the top menu bar there should be a Recover deleted items from server option and there should be a now-revealed Deleted Items folder to recover from.  If that isn't possible, then that site (and probably others too) offers a professional tool you can buy to retrieve them.

Going forward, accept that she currently has some way to directly access your local computer records or remotely your accounts.

• Review/edit all  passwords and backup recovery methods.  These days most apps have alternate reset/access methods such as phone numbers and email addresses.  Possibly her email or phone is listed along with your email and phone.
• Backup all your important data/documents and store them in a place your spouse cannot access, either physically or electronically.
• Not just anywhere is safe.  Some members here had their locked briefcases broken into, locked trunks pried open with a tire iron and I recall one said his wife came to his office while he was out, the secretary innocently let her in and the wife ransacked the office.

While losing that history is devastating and you should recover it if possible, it's not as huge an issue as it seems.  Why?  Apparently many courts, and at least my court, are disinterested in incidents that occurred more than 6 months prior to when legal action was started.  The older stuff was ignored as legally "stale" or outdated.  However, older events can be helpful to provide a history of a pattern of behaviors.

For example, a history of your spouse making more than a few aggressive actions can be used to weaken your spouse's possible claims (allegations) that she was a scared and helpless "victim" in need of protection.

[Ventak]

Welcome!  You've come to an amazing site.  I've never met so many helpful, friendly people... that have all gone through what I'm going through is just a bonus.

While I don't use Outlook, have you done an internet search whether there is a way to recover deleted emails?

It's not so much Outlook that I would need to know to help you... who is your email provider (gmail, comcast, live, etc...)?  Outlook is the tool, and would only be useful to know if the emails were stored on your local PC.  Even then knowing your email provider might help me solve this for you.

Does she have access to your PC?

Does she know your passwords?  Time to change them either way...  Change them on every account / device you own would be my strong recommendation.

[TheBatHammer]

It was a Hotmail account. Not at all sure how she got the new password. I suspect she probably used my phone a while back and it happened to be open, because of course I would do that.

She does not have access to the PC, and I have changed the passwords several times since this happened.

While sorting through the PC, I thought I had lost ALL my documentation, much of which was within the last six months, but it turns out I just hid it so well even I couldn't find it (I found it). So its just the years and years of emailed journal entries/videos. Ironically she's erased any justification I would ever have been able to use to excuse her behavior, like "Well, it's only every 4-5 days".

Working on backing stuff up. I did have the presence of mind to have a local computer vendor pull the hard drive info from an old, broken computer and put it on a drive after I briefly came home one day after moving out to help with the kids and woke up to find she had surreptitiously taken all of my hard data files while I was asleep. That was a fun day.

[formflier]

I'm glad you found it.  I'm not promoting google, it's just what I am familiar with.

Make a google/gmail for your "normal use".

Then make a backup email.

Such as "secretsinthebatcave@gmail.com" or something catchy that you would NEVER forget.

Then make a password that you will never forget and is complicated

R@b1nsp@nts@ret1ght

Last thing you want to do is write this down.  If anything write down a "hint" about "the boy wonders pants"

Once all of your stuff is uploaded into your normal accounts google drive, you can "share" it to your backup account.  Once it is in backup account "make a copy" of what was shared.

Then delete all evidence of sharing in the gmail and "google account" of your primary.

Then..make sure stuff is still in your backup.

Done.

Oh...no..I've never done this..just know a guy..   

Best,

FF

[Ventak]

You sound like you are on top of this enough to have checked, but did you look in the "deleted" folder in Outlook?

If yes, you might contact customer support and see if they have the ability to recover permanently deleted items, or restore your inbox/stored-folder from date xx/xx/2021.

Good Luck, and glad you retrieved some of the data!

[TheBatHammer]

formlier, thanks for getting the reference. I'm strongly considering a move to Gmail after this. I'll try that.

Ventak, yes, I've checked the deleted items folder, and contacted Outlook customer service to see if anything could be done. They're checking into it.

[formflier]

formlier, thanks for getting the reference. I'm strongly considering a move to Gmail after this. I'll try that.

Ventak, yes, I've checked the deleted items folder, and contacted Outlook customer service to see if anything could be done. They're checking into it.

So it sounds like you found some of it...did you find "the good stuff"?

It sounds like this is important and probably worth calling in some local on site tech help to track this down.

Best,

FF

[TheBatHammer]

(Cue James Bond theme)

[TheBatHammer]

This feels a little like the Treehouse of Horror episode where Homer keeps getting his hand stuck in the toaster.

I got my files back. She left her own email open on a tablet with 12 hours to spare, and I managed to recover a few hundred files/journals Mission: Impossible style. She had permanently deleted some of them, but I got the important stuff and the stuff I need to make sense of things. I was considerate enough to leave any photos she might want, but I deleted my personal stuff, because...come on. She thinks I actually hacked her, which is kind of funny.

She made some blackmailish noise about various things. We took a walk, talked some things out, and she said let's just not invade each other's privacy anymore and try to be civil moving forward and work on things.

Then she was in my emails again late last night. Came over saying she wanted to spend time together, made noise about needing something physical (It's a trap!).My phone helpfully notified me that my password had been changed, turns out she got into my email via my security question and sent herself some personal info, account info, etc, all of which is now more or less useless to her. She also deleted almost ALL of my saved files back to 2012 (which I recovered). Then she led me a merry chase until about 2 AM changing passwords on my backup emails. Now everything is on multifactor ID, so unless she has my phone with the code, she isn't getting in again. As of today, she's trying to trade sexual favors for me deleting what she feels is incriminating information.

On a completely unrelated note...how does one change their member name here? Clealry this process will be less bat and more Bond.

[formflier]

Dude...lock down your electronics...change everything.

Did you also make a place for backup files..like and extra gmail account?

Best,

FF

[TheBatHammer]

Yes, that's where the merry chase ensued. The backup emails. So I need a backup for my backups now.

[GaGrl]

I'm assuming you changed your security questions to those with nonsense or esoteric answers that she would never, ever be able to guess?

[TheBatHammer]

The answer was layers and layers and layers of security.