How do you deal with loneliness?

[Sappho11]

Those of you who have broken up or are still single, how do you deal with feelings of loneliness? Or if you're happily partnered up now, how did you deal with this problem when you were single?

I'd be curious to hear your positive and constructive coping strategies, what has worked for you and what hasn't.

[Sappho11]

I've tried burying myself in work and exercise. Both have their benefits, but I still get lonely at night or when I'm tired, sometimes to the point of near despair.

Dating, too, has been a struggle; I'm constantly reminded of the quip "There's plenty more fish in the sea, but you know what else there is in the sea? Trash, plenty of trash". Immediately after the break-up, I went with my friends' disparaging view of my ex, but now that I'm meeting new people, I'm again faced with the circumstance that he really was special (something I never once doubted when we were together). Of course, his whole self-sabotaging and sabotaging the relationship among other things were intolerable, and it's probably best to move on... but it's difficult. I've only been in love twice, once with the love of my youth who passed away and then with my BPDex, and in between I spent the better part of a decade alone (I'm 31). So while I'm open to a new relationship, I don't think I'll find someone I can cherish any time soon... and this is wearing me down.

I do have a good friend, thankfully, but I can't lean on him all the time, and I've noticed I also get a pang of separation anxiety when it's time to leave, which I never used to have.

So, yes, work and working out are the best answers I've got. But surely there must be more...? I'm thinking reading, but I find it difficult to focus in dark moments.

[once removed]

its hard, and my heart goes out to you. i felt very alone for months after my breakup. even after i began to get over some of the pain from the breakup, it was really dark.

i dont mean to discourage you! i can tell you for a matter of fact that it gets better. but its not uncommon at times, for things to get worse, before they get better.

for me, it was a lot of routine and going through the motions. there can be a certain lonely quality to doing that, for a time, because there may not seem like a lot of meaning to it. try to find things, even if its one thing, to add meaning and purpose to your day. build on your routine, little by little. trying to find things that i could look forward to the next day, a week later, a month later, helped too.

build on your social life. there are a lot of options. i have a number of close friends, but i dont see them nearly as often as i would like to. i spend a lot of time in a particular facebook group, and that can be pretty fulfilling! try joining some that revolve around your passions or hobbies. there are also plenty of in person meetups. find something you can get involved in and contribute to, its very rewarding and fulfilling.

dont try to fight or bury the feelings of loneliness, if that makes sense. acknowledge them. listen to what theyre telling you. determine what it is youre lonely for, whether it is affection, laughter, companionship, a relationship, passion, whatever it is. there are many ways to find these things. look for a balance between the normal longing we all have for close companionship and "needing" a romantic relationship. a lot of us report that our relationship happened at a time where there was a certain emptiness or something missing.

Dating, too, has been a struggle; I'm constantly reminded of the quip "There's plenty more fish in the sea, but you know what else there is in the sea? Trash, plenty of trash".

this is just a fact of life and the dating world. 95% or more of it is going to be a miss. its part an odds game, and its also part being the best version of yourself that can attract the relationship/person youre looking for. invest time and energy in the latter. sure, your partner was special, so was mine, and its okay to honor that, to grieve it, as well as to look for some of those qualities in a future partner. the good news is that you can definitely have a passionate relationship with a special person(s), and one (or more) that you are even more compatible with! the bad news is its simply not going to happen with most people.

[Goosey]

I use my work.
But ya I do fall into despair also when not actually working. there is no logical reason for it.
  My friend once asked me “ if someone was treating your daughter the way your wife treated you what would you do?” 
  And of course I would get her away from the problem by any means necessary.
   I have to remind myself of that.
The situation is and was just no way to live a life.
Lonely sucks but I lived what’s worse.

[Goosey]

And I apologize for not saying anything constructive.
  So here it is.
  I find issues and problems easily solved on my own now. I enjoy the simple meetings with others. 
There is no drama or tension.
That’s a big change. 
Of course there are unpleasant things I have to deal with in business but I just communicate and be honest.
  Life is much simpler now.
The hamster wheel of spinning bullish—-t is not missed. 
One day I may be blessed with a relationship that is simple and loving, but until I know I am totally healed (and finally divorced haha) I wouldn’t involve another in the occasional madness which still pops up. That’s just not fair to anyone.
   I like the “one month per year in a failed relationship ” to heal quote I read on this blog.

[Cromwell]

I started the similar way, exercise and work. By the end of each day too tired out to want conversations or company. Family members are often good company. I sometimes take part in activism though this have constant events, invites, things to do and new folk to meet.

Im ok for now, it has helped to learn to enjoy one's own company. I can enjoy a day out doing my own interests with miminal social interaction and feel ok.

The loneliest time was to sit at home ruminating in own mind about the past and feeling sorry for myself. This i had to work through in order to discover it as not worth my time.

If i told myself today greta garbo style 'i want to be alone'. You can bet i won't be allowed to. The phone will go, the door will go. The times id like some human company there is no one around. One day i couldn't get in contact with anyone at all, i wondered if they were all together at some beach party and i wasn't invited.

There's heaps of groups of people out there in same position want to connect. When your ready, try it out without hoping for much. The nothing to lose approach.

[Sappho11]

Wanted to share something I read today which some of you might find uplifting, too -- especially if you're longing for connection.

"You were never born. You will never die. You are not a person experiencing the Universe. You are the Universe experiencing a person."

It reminded me of Schopenhauer's metaphysics of the Will (as in, we are all merely expressions of a blind, raging force of nature) as well as the foundations of Hinduism and Buddhism. Beyond the new-agey connotations of "the Universe", it distills all of these systems into one palpable, condensed thought.

I found it very comforting.

[Sappho11]

So I've started something I've always wanted to do -- learning to play the violin. The teacher is a young violinist fresh out of college, and seems somewhat intimidated  Our first lesson went really well. It's so refreshing to learn something new that plays to my existing strengths, and to receive praise for something close to my heart.

Another thing. I've got one piano student who was a constant source of unfounded jealousy to my ex. That piano student is my age; patriotic, conscientious, and a high achiever (i. e. the opposite of my ex). Every half year or so, I take a select handful of my students on an excursion. Today I asked conscientious student whether he'd be interested in coming along next time. He was enthusiastic and immediately said yes. 

It's so nice to be able to do things again without someone trying to control or manipulate my actions, or forbidding me from doing things.

Also, alone time, of which I have plenty, is beginning to feel really relaxing and restorative again. I've missed this feeling.

[Breakingpoint13]

Sappoh11

Tell me about it. I recently finished a gym class, went to my car and completely broke down. Just because. Jd such a nice time and conversation and I thought PLEASE READ a month ago I would have felt guilty for speaking to any of these males or having a laugh and I wouldn’t have been able to go home and speak about it without my ex having an issue!

[Sappho11]

Sappoh11

Tell me about it. I recently finished a gym class, went to my car and completely broke down. Just because. Jd such a nice time and conversation and I thought PLEASE READ a month ago I would have felt guilty for speaking to any of these males or having a laugh and I wouldn’t have been able to go home and speak about it without my ex having an issue!

That's awesome, Breakingpoint! It's easy to ruminate on the good times with an ex, but reminding yourself of all the things you couldn't do then, but can do now is really helpful. Life isn't any less interesting or beautiful just because they aren't in it anymore; it's just different.

[Rex31807]

I have had to learn to embrace the loneliness. It can be extremely lonely but I have found that I need to learn to not have that fear of being alone. I stayed in a bad relationship because of the fear of being alone. It's better to be alone and at peace than to be in the relationship and miserable.

I will definitely spend the next year alone and try to learn why I was attracted to that type of personality in the first place. Her "love language" was to be taken care of and hence I became co-dependent. At first I felt like a knight in shining armor but as the years rolled on I became a punching bag literally and figuratively.

Being alone after that is not so bad after all.

[Rex31807]

I spend my time pouring myself into work, exercise, journaling for recovery, watercolor, theater, playing golf and watching sports on TV. I have reached out to a few old friends and tried to re-establish damaged friendships. I cut myself off from everyone when I was deep into the relationship at the end.

[crushedagain]

I went through debilitating loneliness after she first left. She was glued to me for 2 years, then when she left it was like a part of me had been cut off. It felt insurmountable for the first 6 months, but after that I slowly but surely started to heal.

Fast forward more than 3 years and I am doing just fine. I am somewhat of a workaholic, which I think is my coping mechanism. I stay very physically active, which not only helps with my physical but also mental health. I am not interested in dating right now. She caused me to rethink the entire thing.