Hi VivandVi, welcome to the family.
I'm sorry for the delay in response, I think there were some technical snafu's that have been corrected.
I'm very sorry that you have been going through such a painful experience. Dissociation is one of the characteristics of BPD so most here are familiar with the Jekyll/Hyde scenario even if not from a DID perspective. I would imagine that complicates things even worse.
I think you might find this page useful:
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship
You can never truly control another persons' behavior, but you can control your own... There are a couple techniques that are very helpful in communication with a pwBPD with acronyms of JADE and SET. If you learn and practice these techniques it can help the person you are communicating with regulating their emotions. It is a very good communication pattern and will help with most people you meet, so is well worth investing some time. There is training on this site and also threads that might help you understand putting them into practice better.
You are among friends here, all of whom have shared experiences at some level. Is there something specific you are looking for? I'm happy to help any way I can..
Hi also and also welcome -
You've got some great advice here, so I'm not going to get in the way of that. Perhaps I just might support it instead by offering a mindset to understand what you are signing up for.
BPD is a "condition" that is sort of permanent in the sense that it can be treated and it can be managed, but it can't really be "cured" if you understand. It's kind of like being a diabetic - you need to follow a certain diet otherwise there are going to be flare-ups.
So - for you, that's why boundaries are so, so important. A) They prevent you for getting hurt or abused. B) They help you gauge your own personal energy levels and assess what you want for yourself.
Also, DBT is proven effective when A) The client is in it for the long haul. It's not meant to be an on-again-off-again thing. Why? Because DBT is about managing a condition more that trying to repair a trauma. B) The therapist and the client click together on a much deeper level than one might see in other forms of counseling, like grief counselling for example. Why? Because the counselor here takes on a much more directive role in the life of the client - almost like a parent I'd say - because that's the level the therapist works at - the five year old that never really had the chance to grow into an adult.
With good boundaries, you'll be able to see more clearly.
Which leads me to a rhetorical question of sorts. I hear that you love him, so I am not calling that into question. I'm inviting you to go back to the point that you may have wondered about whether or not this guy should be in the friend zone and you chose this route. My guess is that if you can get there, you'll find the motivation to set the boundaries to accept the guy you're in love with and but not tolerate the other part of him that you can't accept.
Hope that makes sense and is helpful.
Hang in there. Be kind to yourself.
Rev
