I discarded my bpd ex, will she come back?

[Desu95]

I was with my bpd ex gf for 5 years, in the beginning there were many red flags that I ignored probably because her love was so intoxicating.  She abused benzos and alcohol for the first couple of years that we were together and I was convinced that her mental issues stemmed from the substance abuse. I loved her and I had experience with substance abuse of my own in my past and I was determined to help her through it because I thought I saw the good in her.  I'll spare the details on her behaviors because I'd end up writing a novel but she has been an undiagnosed bpd and she is still from my understanding unaware that she has bpd. She had been seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed her with bipolar disorder and prescribed antipsychotic medications which I think made her worse. I separated myself from her on about our 3rd year together and she ended up in the hospital on an attempted suicide.  I really believed at the time that her issues were the result of taking klonopin/psych meds and drinking daily and I spoke with her parents about the importance of making sure she came off of those meds.  After no contact with her for a couple of months after our separation I reached out to her to see how she was doing and we got back together, this time she was on no medications. I thought I'd have the perfect version of my love now that she was off of all of those prescription medications and boy was I wrong. For the last two years of our relationship she had continued to express extreme fear of abandonment, random accusations of cheating when I gave her no reason, looking through my phone all the time, threatening to end things unless I gave her access to my location services on my cell phone permanently, being extremely loving and caring one week and appreciative of our relationship, the next week telling me that I do nothing for the relationship and she was extremely unhappy, telling me how manipulative I am when it was her in fact being manipulative, whenever I'd express my feelings she would tell me to stop victimizing myself but then demanded that I validated all of her feelings.  I had no other choice but to seek couples counseling because I wanted to get to the bottom of this, the first counselor was of no help and was completely manipulated by her and really did not see anything wrong other than the fact that we weren't getting along. Although on a solo session with this therapist she did elude and hint to the possibility of my ex having bpd or some sort of personality disorder.  Fast forward to covid and believe it or not things were actually less chaotic during quarantine, certainly far from perfect but we had worse times in our past together.  Since we were both home and had ample time I decided that surprising her with a puppy would be a positive thing for us and would potentially facilitate some team work and healthy bonding.  After getting the puppy the first month was like a honeymoon once again, then all of a sudden she became paranoid of what would happen with the dog if we broke up, to the point that she took my credit card and signed up the pet insurance solely under her name which I gathered was for some sort of legal leverage if we were to breakup.  I was beside myself I thought things were getting better I worked so hard for so many years to make this relationship work, I've never loved somebody so much.  Now she started to say she did not want to be with me anymore and wanted to split custody of the dog.  She was treating me like garbage out of nowhere telling me that I did nothing for the relationship and that she didn't want to be with me anymore.  A part of me thought well good riddance and another part of me didn't want to lose the dog (which I was providing for financially) and her at the same time.  So I suggested to seek counseling with someone new this time, this new therapist was of higher caliber and immediately identified her bpd issues. She barely wanted to go to therapy, meanwhile she was using the dog as a bargaining chip for control.  Well believe it or not the puppy died suddenly from a rare fungal disease that nobody saw coming. My ex gf was a wreck, we both were, here we are in some serious relationship turmoil and our baby dies.  Now all of a sudden she became loving again and was apologetic saying she can't believe she treated me so badly, she said she realized that she felt a sense of emotional support and independence from the dog and that she thought she didn't want me anymore and that she was wrong and she was sorry.  She said she realized that I was doing my part and that she realized she would nitpick on the smallest things that I did not do and failed to see how much effort I was putting in.  However at this point we were about 4 months through the worst part of our relationship by FAR, I mean like almost 5 out 7 days of every week was complete hell, arguments for maybe 5-6 hours.  I had decided that I was done and I ended it with her, I told her I did not feel the same for her anymore (not true), that I could not trust her and that I could never feel comfortable knowing that a simple change in dynamic in her life could change everything between us.  She had no friends and I had told her that I thought she was just staying with out of fear of being alone and probably leave me in the future once she got a job and some friends and I said I can't live like that.  She begged me to stay and pleaded with me that she knows she can't be so volatile anymore and she wanted to work on getting better and having healthier boundaries and I still said no.  She asked me then if I cared if she saw someone else and I said no (lies) and then she said she was going to wait for me but she wouldn't wait forever. I told her that I still cared about her deeply and really hope that she can be happy and successful in life.  She came over with tears in her eyes gave me a kiss on the cheek told me she loved me and left.  She then tried to take her time and stall moving out of my place but I gave her a deadline and told her I would change the locks and keep her things if she didn't get out. This is the most painful thing I've ever done in my life because I still have tremendous feelings for her but logically I knew that I was killing myself by staying with her.

It's now been 3 months of complete no contact although we have remained "friends" on all social media platforms.  I have muted her on everything and I have not looked at anything on her social media. She actually did take a screenshot of a blank snapchat conversation a couple of weeks after the breakup (I assume her form of reaching out) I screenshotted back because I was in pain and she screenshotted again (alerting me that she was trying to communicate )but that was it. I have been going through a lot of emotional pain, I feel pretty empty inside without her which is odd because I know I don't want her back. I don't need to look or stalk her social media and cause pain for myself, I am sure she has found my replacement which is why she has not contacted me. I have done plenty of research on this stuff, it's been a coping mechanism for me during this time.  The reason I am writing this post is because I feel alone, like nobody understands what this is like its not anything comparable to a normal breakup. I've tried dating, in fact I have more girls interested in me than I can handle but I have no interest I feel dead inside which makes this process that much more difficult. I am curious as to if she will reach out again at some point and what kind of timeframe would it be?  A lot of the stories I have read have a lot more discussion on being discarded by the bpd and not the other way around.  I would like to be prepared because sometimes I feel weak and think I would let her back in my life in some way.  My hope is that I will be far along through the healing process of this trauma bond and be strong enough to turn her away if she ever comes back.  Please share your thoughts any insight or discussion would be appreciated.

[Happiness40]

Just a quick reply but I just wanted to reach out and say I know how you feel, I’m on about the same time frame as you with no contact and it’s honestly killed me inside and every week he is trying to trigger another reaction out of me through our children and he’s got the reactions because I have never in my life felt so utterly and truly heart broken. We was also on shaky ground and he got our kids a puppy that was already set in stone would be in my name. it bought a whole new lot of crazy to an already volatile few months , the relationship had already ended but my eldest dog and cat died  3 weeks apart so we agreed he’d get the pup for me and the kids and he would move out shortly after. Then he put the pup under he’s name at the vet then the pup also got ill and he sabotaged everything I was doing with her and then he stopped her medication and accused me of being obsessed with the pup, screaming and shouting at me so I had him arrested. Now he has today taken our 8 year old dog and gave me literally 20 minutes to say goodbye to her.

I am so disgusted with myself for being heartbroken over a man who is literally punishing me emotionally from every angle.
I’m annoyed that he’s had the power yet again to leave me crying all night.

I need to pull myself out of this hole but I don’t even know where to begin.

I don’t cry over the man who took the dog today but the loving, caring, thoughtful man who was my husband is who I have spent many hours and days crying over. I lost him and I didn’t even get to say goodbye it’s all just so very difficult you are not alone