Supporting teen

[The awful Aunty]

Recently Teen has posted to social media BPD Mum is asking her to stay home from school to help her and she is sick of being the adult in house with mum always depressed in bed - no one there for her and always being let down. BPD mum found out about posts and siblings relayed she was very upset with teen for "putting her on show and spreading lies". Mum has retaliated by posting negatively about children. 

Always lots of drama at Mums house and Teen doesn't share a lot with us and we try not to push it and just concentrate on what happens at ours but its getting harder to do this as they get older and we are aware conflict is escalating between older kids and their mum. We let them that they can always call us and ask us for help if they need a break but teen doesn't.  Teen does see a Psychologist at our request whenever we are aware that there has been an extra stress but doesn't open up much for them either. 

Background We have shared care of teen and siblings and after 5+years of court couldn't continue and consented to children spending significant weekend and holiday time with BPD mum in the hope the time they spent with us would be enough to get them through.

Any thoughts on supporting teens with their relationships with BPD parents would be welcome.
 

[kells76]

Hey again TaA, I remember you from earlier!

Always lots of drama at Mums house

Ugh, yes, it sounds like it. That's exhausting, and I wonder if it feels like it NEVER ends.

Could you please remind me how many siblings are in the group, and their ages? And it sounds like maybe you're in the UK... is 18 the "legal adult" age there, as well as here in the US?

Any thoughts on supporting teens with their relationships with BPD parents would be welcome.

I almost feel like I have no advice to give, other than reflecting that you are doing a stellar job at:

-staying out of the drama triangle

-providing professional support

-being realistic about your abilities

-being patient with your teen

...

It sounds like your teen isn't resistant to going to the psychologist? That is really positive! Some teens just need someone to go to who is patient and won't pressure them, and will let them unfold at their own pace. That could be going on for your teen. Are you able to chat with the P on your own, to get a sense of if that's happening?

Also, compared to when the kids were with you much more, have the conflicts between them and Mom increased? Hard to say whether it's correlation or causation. Could be because they're with her more, there are more opportunities for conflict. Or, could be coincidental with them getting older and differentiating more as teens.

But, either way, there you are, picking up the pieces.