i need help responding to bad splitting and threats of breakup

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been in a long distance relationship with a girl that shows strong bpd signs
She is splitting so bad with me now, telling me all sorts of insults and hurtful things and threatening to go find another guy and leave me because she doesn't love me anymore

I have heard this before, she'd say that then goes back and tell me how much i mean to her and how much she loves me

This time tho feels a little more intense, I'm stressed and dealing with other things, not sleeping enough, she's telling me she haven't had feelings for me for the past week or so,, even tho a few hours ago she told me she loves so much
 it's quite confusing and I'm kinda used to that but I'm afraid i might be too out of touch this time to respond properly, especially;
It's her previous breakup anniversary, which she has a lot of issues with
She claims that she loved him so much and stayed with him for so long until he dumped her out of nowhere after years of abuse
what's funny, she uses similar lines to those he said(supposedly) with me now
also she's going thru something with her father issues and I foolishly said something out of anger that triggered that more
i was caught off guard and i didn't expect her to come home to me after hours waiting for her and after days of being relaxed and happy(apparently) to say  it so easy out of nowhere
"I am not sure i wanna be with you, i don't know if i really love you, you're not enough..."

I really regret what i said tho it wasn't anything targeted at her but it triggered something from her past and she started telling me I'm like the previous one
and now she hates so much she wanna leave me and talk to someone else

funny thing, she never left her ex, he really sickly abused her, yet no, but when it comes to me, it's just so easy

My point is I really love this person and I care about her and I know her so well, we've been building up a very wonderful relationship despite all and she has been showing a lot of improvement over the months so yes i had and I still have big hopes

I intend to get her to therapy eventually when I'm living permanently with her
She was going to come see me and now she's angry because "I didn't react as I should" after hearing that, Now she's hating me so much

I know behind all this she's an amazing and good person, no doubt and it's not because of the idealization she does sometimes to me, I know who she is

This isn't about me wanting love nor filling an insecurity or being idealized

This is about saving a good human being from their own self sabotaging and self destruction mindset and I've seen results over the past two years,

She used to spiral a lot, inflict physical harm on herself, put herself at risk, get hurt in every way, go from one guy to another and being used so much to the point of rape, no sense of spirituality or anything like that, changing her appearance out of shame and extreme insecurities,

All of that changed, and she told me how much of a void I filled for her and how much of a help I was to her,

I don't want her going back to any of that, she seems to be going in a very healthy path now, talking about wanting a family and a stable life, valuing her self worth,

But she relapses, she has a huge tendency to sabotage so bad, or more precisely, lure me to sabotage, by throwing unexpectedly heartful things at me, tricking me into anger and hurt,
She made promise her at the beginning, that she know she will do these things, so if so I stay by her and realize that she is self sabotaging

It's so weird, because it feels that she's constantly screaming to be saved, but also constantly sabotaging it and not want it, it's like a part of her enjoys getting hurt and feeling sad, she seeks it, but it hurts her,

I'm tired and drained, I'm dealing with a lot of other things in my life too, She is my priority tho and I am not gonna let her down, It's extremely difficult especially being a long distant one

All I know she can hang up and disappear and she could be doing anything from cutting herself from getting raped in an alleyway and that really makes me panic,
She used to disappear and cut herself a long time ago, but not recently, she doesn't talk to other guys but also she can be very lustful and impulsive
I'm scared to push her too much, I wanna get with her physically soon so I can have more control over the situation and more of an impact

I know this might not sound like the healthiest perspective of things, but what's the alternative, I love her too much, and I really care too much to just leave her to the unknown and her own disorder

Thank you

[Bumi88X]

I have been in a long distance relationship with a girl that shows strong bpd signs
She is splitting so bad with me now, telling me all sorts of insults and hurtful things and threatening to go find another guy and leave me because she doesn't love me anymore

I have heard this before, she'd say that then goes back and tell me how much i mean to her and how much she loves me

This time tho feels a little more intense, I'm stressed and dealing with other things, not sleeping enough, she's telling me she haven't had feelings for me for the past week or so,, even tho a few hours ago she told me she loves so much
 it's quite confusing and I'm kinda used to that but I'm afraid i might be too out of touch this time to respond properly, especially;
It's her previous breakup anniversary, which she has a lot of issues with
She claims that she loved him so much and stayed with him for so long until he dumped her out of nowhere after years of abuse
what's funny, she uses similar lines to those he said(supposedly) with me now
also she's going thru something with her father issues and I foolishly said something out of anger that triggered that more
i was caught off guard and i didn't expect her to come home to me after hours waiting for her and after days of being relaxed and happy(apparently) to say  it so easy out of nowhere
"I am not sure i wanna be with you, i don't know if i really love you, you're not enough..."

I really regret what i said tho it wasn't anything targeted at her but it triggered something from her past and she started telling me I'm like the previous one
and now she hates so much she wanna leave me and talk to someone else

funny thing, she never left her ex, he really sickly abused her, yet no, but when it comes to me, it's just so easy

My point is I really love this person and I care about her and I know her so well, we've been building up a very wonderful relationship despite all and she has been showing a lot of improvement over the months so yes i had and I still have big hopes

I intend to get her to therapy eventually when I'm living permanently with her
She was going to come see me and now she's angry because "I didn't react as I should" after hearing that, Now she's hating me so much

I know behind all this she's an amazing and good person, no doubt and it's not because of the idealization she does sometimes to me, I know who she is

This isn't about me wanting love nor filling an insecurity or being idealized

This is about saving a good human being from their own self sabotaging and self destruction mindset and I've seen results over the past two years,

She used to spiral a lot, inflict physical harm on herself, put herself at risk, get hurt in every way, go from one guy to another and being used so much to the point of rape, no sense of spirituality or anything like that, changing her appearance out of shame and extreme insecurities,

All of that changed, and she told me how much of a void I filled for her and how much of a help I was to her,

I don't want her going back to any of that, she seems to be going in a very healthy path now, talking about wanting a family and a stable life, valuing her self worth,

But she relapses, she has a huge tendency to sabotage so bad, or more precisely, lure me to sabotage, by throwing unexpectedly heartful things at me, tricking me into anger and hurt,
She made promise her at the beginning, that she know she will do these things, so if so I stay by her and realize that she is self sabotaging

It's so weird, because it feels that she's constantly screaming to be saved, but also constantly sabotaging it and not want it, it's like a part of her enjoys getting hurt and feeling sad, she seeks it, but it hurts her,

I'm tired and drained, I'm dealing with a lot of other things in my life too, She is my priority tho and I am not gonna let her down, It's extremely difficult especially being a long distant one

All I know she can hang up and disappear and she could be doing anything from cutting herself from getting raped in an alleyway and that really makes me panic,
She used to disappear and cut herself a long time ago, but not recently, she doesn't talk to other guys but also she can be very lustful and impulsive
I'm scared to push her too much, I wanna get with her physically soon so I can have more control over the situation and more of an impact

I know this might not sound like the healthiest perspective of things, but what's the alternative, I love her too much, and I really care too much to just leave her to the unknown and her own disorder

Thank you

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ventak]

Let me welcome you here to the  bpdfamily, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here, and this is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful.

I'm sorry you are going through such a terrible ordeal.  Based on your post I think it might be really useful if you read this article about how relationships with pwBPD tend to work:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship


You might also find this useful for first steps:
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/fuzzetti.pdf


Please let me know if these bring up questions or if you are looking for something more specific like tools for better communication...