Divorcing my wife with BPD

[MovingOn22]

Hello-new here and thankful I found this resource. My wife fits everything I have read, did not understand until about 5 months ago. Multiple affairs in the last few months, in love with a man who lives in Omaha (we live in south Texas). He is perfect, they share everything and are extremely intimate, already been sexual, planning a future together even though we have a three year old daughter and he has two young children and is still married. She is actively cultivating another relationship here in Texas. As I type this out it reads like bad fiction. I’ve been with her ten years, constant problems. I can’t think of a single day after the first maybe year and a half where there wasn’t conflict. I was perfect for her, we were in love, everything amazing. That lasted maybe a year. Many of us apparently have had these experiences. I’m sorry you have as well..

Constant conflict, constant confrontation, endless outbursts, no emotional boundaries, wicked temper, never owning her behavior, wild mood swings, and constant blame. Every single day this basically happened. I kept making excuses as we have had outside problems like everyone has. She has burned through every friend she had here in Texas. Estranged from her brother. I finally called her brother months ago and he told me to look into the diagnosis. I did and it was like reading my own personal journal. I couldn’t believe it.

She is so charming. She is so smart. Very pretty and powerful.  She owns rooms and can get people to gravitate toward her without even trying. It’s remarkable to watch. No suicidal stuff with her, no cutting, but low self esteem that she masks. Her constant message to me is that I abandoned her during Covid and before during her hard pregnancy. I did everything I could but pulled away because was constantly under attack verbally. I can’t believe what I have lived with. I can’t believe I still have to finalize a divorce and co parent with this person. I can’t really believe any of this it is a bad dream or a bad Lifetime movie.

My daughter is so beautiful and fun. I want to know how to protect her and what I should look out for to protect her from my soon to be ex. My wife is a good parent and loves our daughter, but I fear there will be issues. I need to know where I can find a therapist to help me work through my stuff after the divorce. How did I let this happen, why did I let this into my life? I’ve drank too much in the past to deal with her. I’ve isolated myself from friends and family because all of my energy has gone into this weird dynamic.

I had to write this because I am at the bottom. I am blamed for everything and actually have believed a lot of it. I still believe some things I guess. To anyone who replies thank you in advance. This was cathartic if nothing else.

[MeandThee29]

As overwhelming as it seems, you are in the right place. You have a long, hard road ahead, but you and your child's wellbeing are at stake.

Mine left almost four years ago, and our mutual therapist gave me the NPD/BPD diagnoses after he had been gone for six months and said he was never coming back. I was devastated and took another six months to accept that and grasp that reconciliation on his terms was going to be impossible. He initiated the divorce process some months after that, and it was a crazy, high conflict one that my attorney called "memorable and unprecedented." The legal parts should have taken a few months (no real estate, no custody, no business interests), and the whole thing took over two years. At long last we closed the file a few months ago.

I cannot believe how long it took to find my way and truly get that chapter of my life closed (it was a "gray" divorce), but that tends to be how these things go. It absolutely had to be.

I live in a major metropolitan area and had no trouble finding a therapist and attorneys who got it. I also saw a life coach and got involved in a 12 step group to address my condependency/anxiety issues. It was a lot of hard work but I'm in such a good place now.

You just have to fight for your future, period. 

[Goosey]

Thank you for sharing your story. I totally understand your amazement when you read up on the condition and how it was spot on with the stuff you were dealing with. Many of us had that moment of enlightenment.
   It’s a long slog.  A lot of conflicting feelings will be experienced. You’ll make it through. 
    My child is older then yours, but during one of my talks with a friend about the situation he asked me “if someone was treating your daughter the way you are being abused what would you do?”  My answer was obvious. That was one of those little steps forward in my realization I can only control myself and take care of the responsibilities I got left with.
   Hang in there. Take care.
 

[BKDamon]

Thank you for sharing MovingOn.
I know exactly how you feel and I am really sorry. As I’ve read many times on this board, it is comforting and validating to see how other people’s stories match our own. MeandThee is right, you’re in the right place. We’ve all asked ourselves "why did I put up with this?" or "why did I let this happen?".
It’s really tough right now, but you’re gonna be OK. No one should be treated this way, you deserve better.

My ex and I were together 15 years, we have three kids. Like you, I was blamed for everything that went wrong in her life, accused of abandoning her whenever she was sick or pregnant. I could spend hours listening to her problems, she would still say that I never listened, or that would not listen well enough. There was never enough love and attention. A bottomless pit. And every time I disagreed with her or tried to defend my boundaries, a fight would occur and I would be labelled as violent or passive-aggressive.

I also went along with this and blamed myself for a lot of things. pwBPD are really good at this. Being the victim. But once they’re out of your head and the lies, manipulation and distortion of reality end, you realize that it’s all BS. It’s all in their mind.

My ex also cheated on me multiple times during our last months together. It is so destructive and hurtful. But it had to come to this for me to finally take care of myself and kick her out.

Good thing that your STBX is a good parent. My ex is too, really loving and caring, not at all neglectful as some BPD parents can be. I guess her emotional immaturity and lack of boundaries is not a big issue with younger kids, but I fear it will become a problem when they get older. It is our role as nons to provide a more stable environnement and be a reliable figure to our kids. When you’re ready, I suggest taking a look at the "conflicted/divorcing/co-parenting" board. A lot of good ressources and advice there.

I wish you all the strength in the world. Take good care of you.
BKD