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Author Topic: My uBDP wife is ruining our summer vacation for our 10yo son  (Read 416 times)
olafinski

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 49


« on: July 25, 2021, 10:29:01 AM »

Hi to everyone,
my uBDP wife of 13 years, our 10 YO son and myself are currently in a really nice camping resort for summer hollydays.
Since we met we used to spend our vacations in her parents house / estate. it was a sort of a golden prison thing. Incredible comfort, sea at 30m from house, close to where we live. But - probably the worst part of the coast, isolated, and worst of all not ours meaning that we need to keep everything extea ultra OCD tidy cause her parents are crazy in that respect and my wife has terrible fears of not keeping uo with their expectations.
So all these years she was always in panic before leaving there, looking for any other solution, but since it was free in the end we would end up there. For our little one it was great until now but as he is at the edge of puberty it became too isolated (had just one friend 4 y older and only for 2 weeks out of 4).
So now they sold it and for the first time we are finally having our own summer story. All should be good, right? Not off course Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)
She is constantly saying that she hates it here because it is too crowded (she suggested a camping resort because she has nice memories) and because off course we dont have the level of comfort we are used to.
Off course I know by know how to play along and I at once suggested that we leave (after 5 days) and find something else (which is BS off course) and that calmed her. I know we will stay here and that it will be OK.
The thing that is killing me is that I see the effect on our little one. My mother is from the coast and I really enjoy the sea and know a lot about coast life. He also really likes / liked the sea but now I see him copying her perspective and it is killing me.
I talk to him in private and we have a way of coded conversations about moms states, but I am afraid that all of this will paint a grim picture of summer hollydays. He has no friends here and it seems all the kids came in groups. Also he is not the type to enjoy being in animation groups with other kids because he hates when someone is doing his schedule telling him what to do and when to do it.
So, does anyone have any advice on how to at least do what I can do make it a good memory for him? How can I shield him from her bad states?
Some 70% of time all is good but otherwise she is just spilling acid out her mouth… she is not aggressive and violent in any way but what she is saying makes being here a total failure.
Thx and love you all
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kells76
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
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« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2021, 03:51:13 PM »

Hey olafinski,

My husband's oldest also struggles to just "jump in" with new kids at events and have fun/relax, though her younger sister does fine with making new friends. That can be painful when you'd like your child to have a great time with peers, yet you see them struggle to connect, or to get involved with groups where they could have better chances of making friends.

OK, so, we can work with that. Sounds like "forcing" your kid to join a group won't go well. That's OK, there are other options to get you and the kids away from Mom for a while and build great memories and have positive experiences. (I am rereading your post, you just have your 10 year old son with you, right? No other kids -- at least on this trip?)

I wonder if there are any "day spa" or "wine and painting nails" or "relaxation massage" type places in the area you are staying. Could you treat your wife to a day out at the spa to relax, while you take S10 and do some outdoor activities?

We took DH's 2 kids on a tropical vacation a few months ago. My older stepdaughter (age 15), SD15, was pretty emotionally up and down the first few days, and had a kind of nasty and ungrateful attitude. She toned it down by the end. SD13 was able to jump in and enjoy herself right away -- swimming pool, beach, hanging out with family, etc.

It was tricky that they had no friends or cousins or anyone their age there. But they did have each other, and we made sure to pick special activities on a couple of days that each of them would enjoy, even if it was only with us adults Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

That being said, maybe there are other parent/child duos in your area in the same situation, looking to get out together and do something fun. Consider checking out activities like whale watching, horseback riding, nature hikes, zip line, aquarium, children museums, etc, where maybe another parent and child are in the same small group. Double bonus: one, you and S10 get out of the house and have positive time together without toxic attitudes, and two, maybe you'll run into some new people, including kids his age, to chat with for a few hours while doing something enjoyable.

Of course, I do know this depends on your transportation situation, and budget. But, it's some ideas to get you started. See if you can get in the mindset of: what can I "gift" to my wife to enjoy, while S10 and I do an activity away from her, in a small group, for a long time. It could be a win-win.

Hope that helps, and hope you get some positive, peaceful moments on your trip;

kells76
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olafinski

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 49


« Reply #2 on: July 26, 2021, 11:30:01 AM »

Hi,
thx for reaching out.
The thing is that because of my wife’s mental state there is this eggshell walking atmosphere especially when it comes to me suggesting virtually anything to her or to our son.
She needs to be in charge and control and I am mostly OK with that because she is a really good manager and a really down to earth person while I am a creative type.
But generally the issue is how to “re-tell” my son whats going on so that somehow the damage is minimized. If that is possible ar all.
For example just now. Today is a cloudy day and we decided we will not go to beach to cool off a bit after 4 really exhausting days of being at the beach for hours. And now in the afternoon it became sunny for a moment and I felt really hot so I said something like “we could just take a swim” and BOOM a tantrum! how can I be so egoistic and ruin their day because I am bored! we are some 50m from the beach. she said why dont you say I am hot and bored and I would like to go to get wet. off course I said it one hour ago but she said dont say it loud or then our son will also wanna go and it is too cold. ok, then the sun went away again and I realized that she was right and said I am sorry but she was soo angry and threw a barrage of words at me… our LO is used to that by now but I would like him to have the best memory possible…
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