1st post.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have always been a nice guy, throughout my life. The wallflower, not getting into much if any trouble growing up. I was quite shy but caring to everyone around me. This did not end up getting me many dates over the years. When I met my wife, she was one of the most outgoing charismatic, and stunning people I had ever gotten to know. For the first time in my life, I had a connection and I was not sure what to do with that. We started talking on the phone for hours every night. (many years later I found out she had a $700 phone bill for the month on her parent’s plan) She was reaching out for support because she was going through a depressive episode related to a rape case where she was prosecuting someone. This ended up with a 24-hour suicide watch for a week by friends in our faith community. After things started setting and her getting in therapy and on antidepressants, we started dating. I thought the past was behind us and everyone has a little depression and given the past circumstances, it would be smooth sailing ahead. That was 11 years ago.
When I met my wife in late 2009, she had not been speaking to her mother for a year.  I later learned that a year prior, she had come home from NYC to star in a local well-known performance.  She was staying at her parent’s home.  Her parents came home at 10:00 p.m. and found her standing in the kitchen completely inebriated, a pattern that continued in our relationship.  Her parents took her to the hospital and her BAC was .34.
This pattern appeared most often when her biological father who abandoned her 30 years prior tried getting in contact with her after each of our three children we’re born, this also led to suicidal ideation. The drinking then started to get bad at social gatherings and friends’ events. There have been several times where I had to help my wife to the car. These we’re events I would bring my kids to at the same time not a college house party.
Just a few years ago I heard a clunk on the upstairs floor and found my wife unconscious and not breathing late at night. After calling the ambulance and taking the kids to her mother’s house at 2am I got to the ER as her stomach was being pumped with a .36. I don’t know what kind of wool was being put over my eyes but how did I not see the signs at this point? We had a dry household for about 6 months after and then she said she was going to try a program or moderation. Things returned to the status quo over time.
As it turns out the depression, suicidal ideation, and drinking we’re not the only issues. Struggles with eating disorders appears over the years, triangulation, etc. She had been telling her mother for years that I grew up in an abusive home, had been suicidal, and more. None of which is true. I was told about her abusive childhood and how her mother was a huge narcists and believed it for more years than I should have. The projection is starting to get bad.
Over the last three years, I have started to question her behavior as she started cutting people out of our lives. With each successive episode, I would stand up a little more and not believe the stories about the people around us. During covid, she lost her supply of people to abuse and I was the remaining target around.
In the last year, I had been doing almost everything. Working, cleaning, helping the kids with homework. I could not keep up. The house got bad and unkempt and I started going through what I suspect was caregiver’s depression or something similar. Nothing I could do was enough, so I stopped trying at all.
Over the last 4 months, I have been accused of strangling my middle child, emotional abuse of the entire family, rape, and domestic abuse. I’ve not seen my children since late Feb and am in the middle of a very expensive custody case.
I’m living out of my friend’s basement and I should be feeling lower than I have ever been in my entire life. However, I don’t have that clenched feeling in my chest anymore that has been there for many years now. I am finally free. I will see the other side of this, and the custody case looks to be going well despite the slowness of the legal system.
I’ve taken this time to start walking two or three miles every day, brewing beer again, lost 25lbs, meal prepping and eating much better, and writing. I’m not sure I will find a passion as some men have. My passion is dabbling in many different things and learning about everything. At least this is working well for me right now. I am about to go get my first tattoo later this afternoon. It’s going to be a cherry tree on my arm. A cherry tree in Buddhism represents overcoming adversity. A cherry tree survives the cold harsh Japanese mountain winters, and blossoms into one of the most beautiful trees despite its adversity. I am going to be like that tree and come out better for having gone through this.

[ObsoleatSN]

I have always been a nice guy, throughout my life. The wallflower, not getting into much if any trouble growing up. I was quite shy but caring to everyone around me. This did not end up getting me many dates over the years. When I met my wife, she was one of the most outgoing charismatic, and stunning people I had ever gotten to know. For the first time in my life, I had a connection and I was not sure what to do with that. We started talking on the phone for hours every night. (many years later I found out she had a $700 phone bill for the month on her parent’s plan) She was reaching out for support because she was going through a depressive episode related to a rape case where she was prosecuting someone. This ended up with a 24-hour suicide watch for a week by friends in our faith community. After things started setting and her getting in therapy and on antidepressants, we started dating. I thought the past was behind us and everyone has a little depression and given the past circumstances, it would be smooth sailing ahead. That was 11 years ago.
When I met my wife in late 2009, she had not been speaking to her mother for a year.  I later learned that a year prior, she had come home from NYC to star in a local well-known performance.  She was staying at her parent’s home.  Her parents came home at 10:00 p.m. and found her standing in the kitchen completely inebriated, a pattern that continued in our relationship.  Her parents took her to the hospital and her BAC was .34.
This pattern appeared most often when her biological father who abandoned her 30 years prior tried getting in contact with her after each of our three children we’re born, this also led to suicidal ideation. The drinking then started to get bad at social gatherings and friends’ events. There have been several times where I had to help my wife to the car. These we’re events I would bring my kids to at the same time not a college house party.
Just a few years ago I heard a clunk on the upstairs floor and found my wife unconscious and not breathing late at night. After calling the ambulance and taking the kids to her mother’s house at 2am I got to the ER as her stomach was being pumped with a .36. I don’t know what kind of wool was being put over my eyes but how did I not see the signs at this point? We had a dry household for about 6 months after and then she said she was going to try a program or moderation. Things returned to the status quo over time.
As it turns out the depression, suicidal ideation, and drinking we’re not the only issues. Struggles with eating disorders appears over the years, triangulation, etc. She had been telling her mother for years that I grew up in an abusive home, had been suicidal, and more. None of which is true. I was told about her abusive childhood and how her mother was a huge narcists and believed it for more years than I should have. The projection is starting to get bad.
Over the last three years, I have started to question her behavior as she started cutting people out of our lives. With each successive episode, I would stand up a little more and not believe the stories about the people around us. During covid, she lost her supply of people to abuse and I was the remaining target around.
In the last year, I had been doing almost everything. Working, cleaning, helping the kids with homework. I could not keep up. The house got bad and unkempt and I started going through what I suspect was caregiver’s depression or something similar. Nothing I could do was enough, so I stopped trying at all.
Over the last 4 months, I have been accused of strangling my middle child, emotional abuse of the entire family, rape, and domestic abuse. I’ve not seen my children since late Feb and am in the middle of a very expensive custody case.
I’m living out of my friend’s basement and I should be feeling lower than I have ever been in my entire life. However, I don’t have that clenched feeling in my chest anymore that has been there for many years now. I am finally free. I will see the other side of this, and the custody case looks to be going well despite the slowness of the legal system.
I’ve taken this time to start walking two or three miles every day, brewing beer again, lost 25lbs, meal prepping and eating much better, and writing. I’m not sure I will find a passion as some men have. My passion is dabbling in many different things and learning about everything. At least this is working well for me right now. I am about to go get my first tattoo later this afternoon. It’s going to be a cherry tree on my arm. A cherry tree in Buddhism represents overcoming adversity. A cherry tree survives the cold harsh Japanese mountain winters, and blossoms into one of the most beautiful trees despite its adversity. I am going to be like that tree and come out better for having gone through this.

[grumpydonut]

Wow, I was not expecting that final paragraph. That was very nice to read.

How did you get yourself to that mindset? Was it automatic for you once you hit a certain threshold of abuse or did you have to redirect your thoughts in that direction?

[Selfishsally]

My therapist told me that we know we are making the right decision based on the inner peace we feel.

Thank you for showing a real life example of what that could like. Hope everything works out in your favor.

[ObsoleatSN]

@Grumpydonut
It's very resilient due to my Buddhist practice. I meditate every day (Chant) and the main point I have learned in my life is to never give up. Hope is a choice (for me) and that gives me the strength to carry on. I'm almost positive that my situation is still going to get worse before it gets better but I find happiness in persevearing.  

@SelfishSally
Thanks for the kind words.

[GaGrl]

I have found that resilience is one of the best predictors for a successful life. My mom, who grew up with a uBPD/NP D stepmother who was emotionally and verbally abusive, was amazingly resilient and created a rich family life for us. I learned a lot from that.

Can you tell us more about how the custody situation is evolving? Are you going for full of 50-50 custody? How old are your children, and how are they doing? Are you satisfied with your lawyer's strategy? Do your children have a GAL (Guardian ad litem) and is their a parenting evaluation being done?

The alcoholism and ER situations must be addressed.

[ObsoleatSN]

@GaGrl

The custody situation is going really slow at the moment. The restraining order has since been dropped but the judge has not ordered a parenting time schedule. We are both court-ordered for psych and chemical dependency tests. I am not worried about myself in either test. But the county is booked out many months due to covid. The entire court system seems to be going at a snail's pace.   

I finally did get to see my kids on July 2nd for the first time in 4.5 months for 2 hours. Found out that my 10 /year old daughter had a big burn on her stomach from trying to make popcorn on the stove because mom is oftentimes not cooking them dinner. CPS is getting involved again along with a Guardian ad Litem.

I am lucky enough to have a personal connection with some of the top family law lawyers in the state. Having done work with them since before I met my wife. I know the partners, staff, and my attorney for a very long time and love my representation.