Thawing? Premature?

[Depression = 72% of members]

To recap, I identified BPD in my wife 2.5 years ago.  Did trial separation 1.5 years ago, at her request and it’s been in that state ever since.  I’ve put a lot of work in.  Recently I feel like I’ve had some big wins (for all involved).  I’m not sure I’ve mentioned but this is a 10+ year marriage.

So, one can speculate as to why, but I’ve stayed over for the last 5 days, and she is different. I guess what I would say is that for the last year and a half almost any conversation would be blocked immediately with the most extreme cognitive distortions, and some projection.  Then the last 5 days or so, it’s like none of that is there.  I’m super suspicious of short term changes but this feels different. It feels like she’s decided to trust me again (or I guess you could say is not devaluing).

I would say that we never “broke up” prior to me learning about BPD, and I guess I committed internally to never “changing status” until I was sure the change would be permanent.   So I don’t think there are clear delineators, whether that’s a good or bad thing I don’t know.  The idea of boundaries would suggest not great I guess.

I’m not being love bombed, I’m just being treated normally.  Which is good.  It’s only been a short time, yes.

Anyone have any insight on how to keep this going? Very vague question, I know.

[WanderColossus]

To recap, I identified BPD in my wife 2.5 years ago.  Did trial separation 1.5 years ago, at her request and it’s been in that state ever since.  I’ve put a lot of work in.  Recently I feel like I’ve had some big wins (for all involved).  I’m not sure I’ve mentioned but this is a 10+ year marriage.

So, one can speculate as to why, but I’ve stayed over for the last 5 days, and she is different. I guess what I would say is that for the last year and a half almost any conversation would be blocked immediately with the most extreme cognitive distortions, and some projection.  Then the last 5 days or so, it’s like none of that is there.  I’m super suspicious of short term changes but this feels different. It feels like she’s decided to trust me again (or I guess you could say is not devaluing).

I would say that we never “broke up” prior to me learning about BPD, and I guess I committed internally to never “changing status” until I was sure the change would be permanent.   So I don’t think there are clear delineators, whether that’s a good or bad thing I don’t know.  The idea of boundaries would suggest not great I guess.

I’m not being love bombed, I’m just being treated normally.  Which is good.  It’s only been a short time, yes.

Anyone have any insight on how to keep this going? Very vague question, I know.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Whatever you are doing, stay on the same path.

I did a therapeutic separation years ago...and it ended in much the same way, I just kept staying over, we did more stuff together and then I was there full time.  It was never a thing where a "big decision was made."

Anyway...tell me about the boundaries you have in place and the values you have clarified.  Very important to have that straight...because there will be backsliding...that's just part of it.


Best,

FF

[NonnyMouse]

I would add that on no account should you discuss the new (or old) situation with your wife! If the subject comes up just find a way to get out asap! Don't assume it will be a pleasant conversation, chances are there's something going on inside her head or you will say something nice and innocent and it will be misinterpreted. Don't invalidate, and avoid situations which are likely to make this difficult.

[WanderColossus]

An update.
Thank you formflier and nonnymouse.

I thought that my most significant boundaries were that matters between parents did not involve the kids.  And that if I checked in with myself and found that I did not put anyone at a loss, I would not accept excessive blaming.  Those are a couple.

Thanks for the advice not to bring up history, or the nature of changes.

So… over the course of a week or so, since I last posted she really had a sea change.   I’ve been an awful wife, you’ve done very well,  I don’t know how to come to grips with my my past behavior, you have my permission to talk to the psychologist and square a diagnosis with my and your counselors…. It’s a lot.  And all that she asks is that I don’t get the booster of mRNA vaccine. Which I don’t particularly care about anyway.  Yet another very positive development combined with a moral quandary.

And then tonight a breakdown, a Skype call with her family where I am talking which stabilizes her.

I would be remiss not to mention that she has gone from a lot of abstract (and conspiratorial) worried to where she walks the kids to school five days a week and prepares nutritious lunches. (I had to fight off homeschool, sort of, but it feels like shadow boxing because I don’t think she really wanted to homeschool).

One concrete goal, which my therapists have been checking back in about has been achieved. My father was able to pick up and drop off my son today, which hasn’t happened since 2019 really. That is a relief.

[WanderColossus]

I should further say that she had a consistent devaluation of me for years (2-5 hard to say) and it melted over a week.  Which leaves me in a hard to decipher situation.

One of my metaphors over the years was Picture of Dorian Gray and that comes to mind now in a way that is hard to explain.

[WanderColossus]

I am also going to mention that my SO is an East Asian born person, in case that helps anyone.

[formflier]

Keep in mind that your way of approaching this appears to be paying dividends.  Probably a time to keep pressing for more healthy changes while remembering to validate her.

I would encourage you to first figure out what YOU want to do with booster vaccines.  Once you get what's best for you figured out, then we can help you craft a message you can consistently give her or help you see this could be a private matter for you and your doctors.

Best,

FF