Why...

[43summersago]

My ex and I have been without contact for over 3 months.  It was a relationship of a little over 4 years where after the first year it was on again off again.

I have a diagnosis of cptsd, they of bpd.  We lived apart due to each having family commitments, her a parent, me carer for a parent. 

It was i who did most of the travel in order to keep it going, accommodating their work or study and time restraints.   This final split was after I asked that they too needed to commit some time in travel to see me...it wasn't to be.

I feel incredibly disappointed and yes heartbroken.  If I'm honest I wasn't happy...it was exhausting and draining and they always  focused on the negatives of everything...I feel disappointed in myself for allowing myself to become so emotionally invested and I feel disappointed in them for not meeting me half way.

Their issues with the relationship seemed to change but mostly revolved around my not giving up on the life I had before them and moving to start a new life - in hindsight one saving grace to this mess is the fact that I didn't do that.

I guess what I grieve is the future envisioned and the comfort of physical contact...not necessarily sexual just closeness...I miss that the most. 

I felt much guilt for not being with them full time and did the best I could to compensate for that by taking on the travel and easing their troubles as I could but it was never enough and if I'm honest I'd have to acknowledge that it never would have been...my need for love led to tolerating more than I should have and sacrificing more than I could afford to...I wish it had been different...I wish we had found a place where we could have existed in unity...

As lonely and devastating as this experience has been...I am committed to healing myself even if I do seem to struggle with valuing myself, I do now realise that until I am able to do so, I am most likely to only ever encounter hurt as I don't have the skills to protect myself as I have been up until this point.

I think a part of me will always be in love with my ex or at least the memory of them...for me I think the no contact needs at least I feel at this stage, permanent

[Rev]

I think a part of me will always be in love with my ex or at least the memory of them...for me I think the no contact needs at least I feel at this stage, permanent

Hi Summers

Welcome! Sorry you find yourself here , glad you found us  .

Yeah...  that feeling of always thinking you'll love the memory or them even, or what really happened, or what could have been or as your post is titled, why?

That took me a while to sort through.  Thankfully I had friends to listen and to support me and to distract me even when my neg self talk became too much.  Thankfully they listened without judgement and didn't go beyond the listening for a while. Eventually I got to feeling like myself again.

So - write any time. There are lots of empathetic ears here.

Hang in there. As someone told me early on in my journey here, even if you have trouble believing it right now, it does get better.

Sending peaceful thoughts to your soul

Rev

[43summersago]

Thanks Rev...I'm also sorry you were here to read my post, but apprieciate your thoughtful response to it...I'm glad that you feel in a better place now.  All the best.

[B1987]

Hi there

I'm so sorry to read this and I completely relate to what you're going through - you've described exactly what I experienced and am feeling.

I was in a 4 year relationship too however I'm only 3 weeks out, not 3 months. Congratulations on getting that far.

It's good that you recognise you weren't happy and can see how exhausting the relationship can be. The negativity and drama really wore me down however, now that my girlfriend is gone, I miss and pine for her like crazy! It's so strange and confusing how emotions change so quickly once they've gone.

I feel a lot of guilt too for not being with her full time, she used to mention it a lot and over the 4 years I used to think 'I really should be moving things to the next stage' however I knew I couldn't because of the chaos and drama that my ex seemed to constantly fuel. You never knew what she would impulsively do next so I could never rely on her to build a stable and consistent life.

So we had a similar relationship to you - living apart and travelling to see each other. I always knew it wasn't great and even toxic but that love and closeness was amazing and I didn't want to let it go.

She eventually ended things by text because I couldn't offer living together, kids or support her having weight loss surgery in a foreign country (her latest impulsive venture). I suspect she is now seeing someone new.

At the moment, I am wrestling with the love I still have for her and I'm not sure how I'm going to live peacefully with the memories of her. It's nice to hear from people like you who are further down the line and it's great to know that you're committed to healing - I really hope you continue to do so. Know that you're not the only one!

Thanks for the post and good luck in your journey.

B1987

[43summersago]

Hi B1987,
I hear your pain...I really do...and I feel it too in my own experience...I'm not sure at what stage if any the memories stop haunting...but even now still...late at night when everything is quiet and I have only my thoughts my mind does tend to go back...I get annoyed at myself about it but there is something that I got from our relationship that I now need to find a healthier replacement within myself.  You are grieving...it will be up and down...you'll be thankful for the times where you are given relief from your hurt and those times will become longer and more frequent.  Think it healthy or not..part of my acceptance of my loss was to erase...I got rid of everything I'd been given, all photos, letters etc...I no longer know what to believe was real nor do l wish give that time a physical presence in my future path.  I do not hate my ex...I do not wish her any bad...I do however wish myself a feeling of indifference about it all.  You will have your own process...the important thing is that you get through...however that happens...you can reflect on how it could've been done better later...for now it's just about allowing yourself to get through...with the least suffering.  Grieving just does take its course...and it will...and we'll both be a little wiser for it.  I learnt more about relationships in that time than I did from all the other years in life.  Take care