How to speak to my son

[ckee1999]

I just introduced myself today but I already have a question.  My son is 19 and lives with us.  He makes very little move to be independent, but then says he hates living here.  He often will not do simple tasks - if he dirties a dish he'll leave it in the sink when as a family we ALWAYS put it in the dishwasher (and always have).  We remind him and he'll do it, but often my husband just gets frustrated and will do it himself and get crabby.  For any other kid that wouldn't be a big deal, but with my son it can set him off and launch him into a tirade about how he's worthless and his dad hates him, etc. etc. 

I feel like we can't get frustrated with normal stuff because it sets him off.  Yet it's not fair for us to be unable to correct him or express our frustration.  It's the whole 'walking on eggshells' thing and I'm not sure if it's better to continue to do that or to just act normally.

I get that this is extremely unimportant in the long run, but I'm really learning here.  I hate conflict and avoid it at all costs, but my husband doesn't seem to mind!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hey again!

Quick detail-oriented thought that comes to mind:

I deal with this on a much milder scale with my husbands kids (granted they're 13 & 15 and don't have PDs, so it's normal teen stuff). I know that I would feel resentful if I were always putting their stuff away, picking up dirty socks, etc, but (a) it doesn't help them learn to do it if I do it, and (b) I don't want to just leave it, because I like having a tidy house.

I got a couple of cardboard boxes and stashed them in the hall. Now if I see SD13's dirty socks but she's back at Mom's house for a few days, I put the socks in the box. It's not my job to put them in the laundry basket, and if she wants socks, she can go to the put-away box and figure it out herself.

I wonder if having a bin labeled "19 Year Old's Name" by the sink could help. Of course that leads to the issue of -- what if your child keeps taking clean dishes and never washing them. Maybe you have a "special" dish cupboard for your child that only has paper plates and plastic tableware?

Or, do you pay for your kid's phone? Is there a way to tie completion of the most basic household tasks to phone/data? "It's too bad there's no more data on your plan. I'm able to add data when the dishes are put in the dishwasher".

I'm sure more members will be along with ideas, too.

I think the basic idea is -- how do we not overfunction for family members, while still having a home that meets our own needs.

-kells76

[losttrust]

Slippery slope.  Don’t let it slide.  Your boundaries are set for family - all family.  Don’t make it a big deal just a deal breaker.  Dishes in dishwasher or no go out until done.  19 should be working pt time of full  with choirs and college.  Line in sand. Whatever the most valued item. Put it as currency.  Car- phone bill.   Don’t be me with a 24 year old who’s 15.   Be hard now.  It’s for his welfare.  Set string solid boundaries. No wavering .