I failed again- so disappointed in myself

[Chosen]

I'm so, so stupid.  This is something that has happened dozens of times yet I still did not manage to let things calm down before they got too bad.

So last night uBPDh were working on something together (D's school applications to be exact).  I know that I'm not the most adaptable person out there; if I set my mind on doing in a certain way, it would be hard to change.  But I did want to work together with him.  So I kept on asking questions.  He told me a few times just to get on with it, and I kept on asking.  Then he started to get angry because I was clearly giving off the vibe that "I'll ask questions until you change into my way of working" (which I admit is something I'm guilty of too, but honestly not what I was thinking last night).  And I STILL wasn't aware of what I was doing and started JADEing.  After that, obviously, we were no longer collaborating and he tells me now (the same each time) that when something doesn't go my way, I would sabotage other people's efforts, I can't work with anybody, I only think of myself, etc. 

Every time, he would also go into how he can't live with me, that our relationship wouldn't work unless he does everything my way...

I'm so, so disappointed in myself.  I had chances to just STFU when I could, so things wouldn't be so bad.  I can't change the way he sees me, or the way he perceives I work; no amount of JADEing will get him to "see things my way".  He will just view me as an argumentative person who doesn't accept his way of seeing things.  But out of all the responses I could've given, I JADEd.  I've been on here long enough to know that JADEing never gets to any good and it only cemented his view that I can't work with him. 

Now I have to endure days (or longer) of "we shouldn't be together", "it won't work if things don't completely go your way", "I'm just your slave", "I don't deserve your treatment of me", etc.  And I have to remind myself not to react to these words because otherwise he will just say "you did something wrong and I can't even express yourself because you don't want to hear that?". 

I'm just so, so tired of all this.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[blackorchid]

How's things today Chosen?

[maral]

I'm so, so stupid.  This is something that has happened dozens of times yet I still did not manage to let things calm down before they got too bad.

So last night uBPDh were working on something together (D's school applications to be exact).  I know that I'm not the most adaptable person out there; if I set my mind on doing in a certain way, it would be hard to change.  But I did want to work together with him.  So I kept on asking questions.  He told me a few times just to get on with it, and I kept on asking.  Then he started to get angry because I was clearly giving off the vibe that "I'll ask questions until you change into my way of working" (which I admit is something I'm guilty of too, but honestly not what I was thinking last night).  And I STILL wasn't aware of what I was doing and started JADEing.  After that, obviously, we were no longer collaborating and he tells me now (the same each time) that when something doesn't go my way, I would sabotage other people's efforts, I can't work with anybody, I only think of myself, etc.  

Every time, he would also go into how he can't live with me, that our relationship wouldn't work unless he does everything my way...

I'm so, so disappointed in myself.  I had chances to just STFU when I could, so things wouldn't be so bad.  I can't change the way he sees me, or the way he perceives I work; no amount of JADEing will get him to "see things my way".  He will just view me as an argumentative person who doesn't accept his way of seeing things.  But out of all the responses I could've given, I JADEd.  I've been on here long enough to know that JADEing never gets to any good and it only cemented his view that I can't work with him.  

Now I have to endure days (or longer) of "we shouldn't be together", "it won't work if things don't completely go your way", "I'm just your slave", "I don't deserve your treatment of me", etc.  And I have to remind myself not to react to these words because otherwise he will just say "you did something wrong and I can't even express yourself because you don't want to hear that?".  

I'm just so, so tired of all this.

Hello, I understand how you feel. I don't know too much about that, I just know that you are suffering. Just convey that you try to be kind to yourself. It is not at all easy to be so attentive all day, so as not to err, no matter how much we already know that there is no need to do JADE. We are human and it is important that you take care of yourself.

And I also wanted to thank you for putting into words what I feel. I also feel very tired, although I love him. Two weeks ago, I fell into JADE, after spending years "learning" and trying to understand. Now the cycle repeats. I have been treating silence for two weeks without hearing from him.

Try to take care of yourself, to forgive yourself. Remember that you do what you can, and that what we are experiencing is a difficult life challenge where we love and learn to accept our partner, friend, partner, or whatever, and we can also take advantage to learn to accept and love ourselves. Send you a lot of encouragement.

[blackorchid]

Hello, I understand how you feel. I don't know too much about that, I just know that you are suffering. Just convey that you try to be kind to yourself. It is not at all easy to be so attentive all day, so as not to err, no matter how much we already know that there is no need to do JADE. We are human and it is important that you take care of yourself.

And I also wanted to thank you for putting into words what I feel. I also feel very tired, although I love him. Two weeks ago, I fell into JADE, after spending years "learning" and trying to understand. Now the cycle repeats. I have been treating silence for two weeks without hearing from him.

Try to take care of yourself, to forgive yourself. Remember that you do what you can, and that what we are experiencing is a difficult life challenge where we love and learn to accept our partner, friend, partner, or whatever, and we can also take advantage to learn to accept and love ourselves. Send you a lot of encouragement.

Thank you for this Maral. I too JADEd 2 months ago and am still paying the price for it.  Thank you for reminding me that we too are human and sometimes are emotions get the better of us, no matter what lessons and teaches we know.  Sometimes instinct and emotions take over and there is no point torturing ourselves now wondering why we did it when we KNEW better.  We learn. We evolve, we move onwards and upwards. I too Chosen  wish that I had just STFU but hindsight is like that.  I hope that all of our situations will be resolved swiftly and how we wish them to be 

[maral]

Thank you for this Maral. I too JADEd 2 months ago and am still paying the price for it.  Thank you for reminding me that we too are human and sometimes are emotions get the better of us, no matter what lessons and teaches we know.  Sometimes instinct and emotions take over and there is no point torturing ourselves now wondering why we did it when we KNEW better.  We learn. We evolve, we move onwards and upwards. I too Chosen  wish that I had just STFU but hindsight is like that.  I hope that all of our situations will be resolved swiftly and how we wish them to be  

Thank you Blackbird for your words. Much encouragement for you and Chosen, and everyone who reads here... We fall into feeling guilty and that is normal. Sometimes that guilt weighs a lot, and we forget our own humanity, while still being empathic with the other party. Hard road today for me too.

[blackorchid]

Have you heard anything from him Maral?

[maral]

Have you heard anything from him Maral?

No, nothing. Much encouragement again to you and Chosen and to everyone reading

[NonnyMouse]

We need BPD flash cards so we can practise! BPD says "X", do you A) ..., B) ... or C) STFU!

[blackorchid]

We need BPD flash cards so we can practise! BPD says "X", do you A) ..., B) ... or C) STFU!

  I like that idea

[Chosen]

Hi everyone,

I guess the struggle for me internally is, sometimes, "I have done so much and got no recognition, but whenever I slip up, I get raged at/ blamed for everything in the relationship/ rendered worthless".  Of course I cannot point out the times I did not JADE and things smoothed over to uBPDh.  As far as he's concerned, I'm the sole problem in the relationship.  I keep trying to learn and practise the tools because I love him and I would like to maintain the relationship and for it to work.  But sometimes it just seems like a lost cause because let's be honest, I slip up a lot because I have a lot of problems in my own character as well, and when that happens, none of the "positive" things I have ever done would matter anymore. 

I know the world's not B&W and I shouldn't have this "BPD mindset"... but it's hard not to see it that way because I guess for  pwBPD there is no middle ground.