Getting Back Together - Slowly

[Depression = 72% of members]

My expwBPD and I have begun the process of a slow reconciliation. It’s been about 5-1/2 months since we broke up and more or less stayed limited/no contact. I urged her to stay with consistent her DBT therapist, and from what I can tell, she is doing great!

In an ironic fashion, I left her a long audio message letting her know what I had learned and hoping that she would learn something from it for her next relationship. Essentially, putting her behind me. She responded with an email that she had written - describing how she had grown as a person, making her own decisions (our codependent ways meant she relied heavily on me) and becoming a more independent person. She also told me that she wanted to be with me again in the future, but she was not ready for regular communication or to get back together yet… Instead, she wanted more time to sort herself out. I found this a mature decision, but it also felt confusing.

I asked for details about how she decided she wanted me back and what she foresaw, but she couldn’t give me any. All she gave me was a 3+ month time period until which time she wanted to meet face-to-face and discuss things “first date style.” I felt kinda happy, kinda sad, mostly confused. She admitted that she had “jumped the gun” in sending me that email, because a) I prompted her around the same time; and b) she was just really eager. Essentially, she admitted to giving into the impulse. (Uh oh. She cheated in the past when she couldn’t control her impulses.) She is very aware that she struggles with cheating when she feels jealousy or lack of attention or perceives it. And she has been clear that part of the delay in trying again is to be more “sure footed” and assured in herself, but she is adamant that she wants to be with me

We texted about a list of needs that I have around communication, healing the past, seeing how the future would work (“what would be different this time?”), etc. And she felt a bit overwhelmed to deal with them, but agreed to answer one or two. The answers were… somewhat satisfying but not entirely.

Fast forward to tonight. It’s been her first day at new job, and I’ve been trying to give her space. So, I texted her “hope you had a great first day” and decided to leave it. I was texting with a friend and asked him “wyd?” after I was polling him for how I should handle my desire to text her more but give her space.  Well, I accidentally sent it to her… and then, feeling badly that I crowded her some, I immediately told her it was for someone else.

She basically said that “wyd” is a hookup text, and she knew what that meant. I explained that I didn’t even know that was a thing (I’m middle-aged!). The convo was a bit odd - she was celebrating with friends and little wine - and I could tell that she was angry with me.

I know that I did nothing wrong. After reflecting, I wrote her a text validating her feelings that she might have felt hurt, uneasy, or jealous, because she was not sure that she could trust me (I didn’t cheat but she often perceived me as stepping out). I reassured her that I want only her, and I want to rebuild trust. I explained what actually happened - I panicked about smothering her - and I admitted that I’m also uneasy in this gray area.

Thankfully, she replied and admitted that she had a quick reaction and made an assumption. I think that’s growth. She admitted that it’s harder when stimulated and drinking. Also growth. But she put down her phone, didn’t escalate, and didn’t get angry (“get upset”). Also, growth.

I’m scared as all hell, folks. This is just a microcosm of the past. I know that I love her - sans the BPD - but I get the whole package. I have read how to validate, and I am trying to ease back into communicating with her. I need practice, I guess. I’m also scared that I am “recycling.” But she does seem to be growing and her therapy is very consistent. I want to take it slowly, but I also just want her back. Patience is a virtue, I know.

Any reactions/thoughts?

[skaman24]

My expwBPD and I have begun the process of a slow reconciliation. It’s been about 5-1/2 months since we broke up and more or less stayed limited/no contact. I urged her to stay with consistent her DBT therapist, and from what I can tell, she is doing great!

In an ironic fashion, I left her a long audio message letting her know what I had learned and hoping that she would learn something from it for her next relationship. Essentially, putting her behind me. She responded with an email that she had written - describing how she had grown as a person, making her own decisions (our codependent ways meant she relied heavily on me) and becoming a more independent person. She also told me that she wanted to be with me again in the future, but she was not ready for regular communication or to get back together yet… Instead, she wanted more time to sort herself out. I found this a mature decision, but it also felt confusing.

I asked for details about how she decided she wanted me back and what she foresaw, but she couldn’t give me any. All she gave me was a 3+ month time period until which time she wanted to meet face-to-face and discuss things “first date style.” I felt kinda happy, kinda sad, mostly confused. She admitted that she had “jumped the gun” in sending me that email, because a) I prompted her around the same time; and b) she was just really eager. Essentially, she admitted to giving into the impulse. (Uh oh. She cheated in the past when she couldn’t control her impulses.) She is very aware that she struggles with cheating when she feels jealousy or lack of attention or perceives it. And she has been clear that part of the delay in trying again is to be more “sure footed” and assured in herself, but she is adamant that she wants to be with me

We texted about a list of needs that I have around communication, healing the past, seeing how the future would work (“what would be different this time?”), etc. And she felt a bit overwhelmed to deal with them, but agreed to answer one or two. The answers were… somewhat satisfying but not entirely.

Fast forward to tonight. It’s been her first day at new job, and I’ve been trying to give her space. So, I texted her “hope you had a great first day” and decided to leave it. I was texting with a friend and asked him “wyd?” after I was polling him for how I should handle my desire to text her more but give her space.  Well, I accidentally sent it to her… and then, feeling badly that I crowded her some, I immediately told her it was for someone else.

She basically said that “wyd” is a hookup text, and she knew what that meant. I explained that I didn’t even know that was a thing (I’m middle-aged!). The convo was a bit odd - she was celebrating with friends and little wine - and I could tell that she was angry with me.

I know that I did nothing wrong. After reflecting, I wrote her a text validating her feelings that she might have felt hurt, uneasy, or jealous, because she was not sure that she could trust me (I didn’t cheat but she often perceived me as stepping out). I reassured her that I want only her, and I want to rebuild trust. I explained what actually happened - I panicked about smothering her - and I admitted that I’m also uneasy in this gray area.

Thankfully, she replied and admitted that she had a quick reaction and made an assumption. I think that’s growth. She admitted that it’s harder when stimulated and drinking. Also growth. But she put down her phone, didn’t escalate, and didn’t get angry (“get upset”). Also, growth.

I’m scared as all hell, folks. This is just a microcosm of the past. I know that I love her - sans the BPD - but I get the whole package. I have read how to validate, and I am trying to ease back into communicating with her. I need practice, I guess. I’m also scared that I am “recycling.” But she does seem to be growing and her therapy is very consistent. I want to take it slowly, but I also just want her back. Patience is a virtue, I know.

Any reactions/thoughts?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

I’m also scared that I am “recycling.”

you are.

but recycling is normal. recycling 10 times with nothing changing is dysfunctional.

couples do reconcile and eventually get it right. it generally happens when they treat it as a very different relationship, with a very different approach.

so it sounds like there is definitely a firm plan here for change. thats no guarantee, but its far better odds. long term, it depends on how the two of you deal with conflict.

reconciling after 5+ months apart and therapy is actually pretty unheard of. the fact that after all of that, the two of you feel pretty strongly that you want to be together, thats a pretty promising thing.

make no mistake that DBT is not a cure. you, and she, and your relationship, will struggle; all relationships do. the long term stability of your relationship is, as i said, likely to depend more upon how the two of you deal with conflict. it also will depend on building a foundation of trust. that may prove challenging. youre both jumpy at the prospect. i dont blame you at all for being jumpy about cheating. its important that she owns it, but the urge may be something she struggles with. there is inherent risk when it comes to trust.