Emotional affairs

[Lexibaby]

  this is my first time posting anything on here..i geuss im here because i need help. My husband (30) has recently been diagnosed with bpd with narcissistic traits..as many of you know the symptoms i wont bother going into detail about them..i need help in particular with him having emotional affairs  has anyone else experianced this? Its like he craves the attention..its almost destroyed our marriage. It tends to be when im not completely able to devote all my attention to him like when i was pregnant and our son was small...and when i was poorly for a couple of years. This time has been the worst though because he attached him self to a woman he works with. He has quit his job now and said he will block her when he has worked his notice..but im worried about this happening again and also how much he lies to me now..any advice or expeirences would be great..thanks.

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[pursuingJoy]

lexibaby I'm glad you're here, and sorry for all you've been through. I've never experienced emotional affairs but I do know they're common in pwBPD. Hopefully folks with experience will swing by to comment and offer insight.

Are you seeing a counselor? How did you find out about this latest affair?

[Cat Familiar]

They have such a high need for validation that any affirmation from elsewhere is craved.

Do you think he has any inclination for cheating or is it mostly just an emotional affair?

I dealt with this to some extent, but I’m not sure how much of it was an *emotional affair* and how much was just a compatible coworker relationship.

My husband got close to a woman he worked with and she even helped with our wedding plans. At one point she let it slip that she was looking for “someone just like J”.

I’m not jealous by nature, though my ex husband put me through some real tests with his repeated infidelities. I did wonder how close they were, but I was more concerned about her intentions than his.

I never said anything about it and he no longer works with her, but has kept in touch with her. Now she’s going through a legal battle of her own making and he’s briefly advised her and thinks she’s really shooting herself in the foot through hubris and narcissism. So I have my answer there.

Recently I’ve seen him do something similar when he’s been a significant donor to the local radio station. A woman there has been very inclusive to us in small events where only *select* people are invited, though we haven’t attended because of Covid. I noticed that he was saving all her voice mails.  

I have to believe it’s because they’re so needy of validation and they get accustomed to those they are living with, so our support is never enough. Therefore getting attention and appreciation outside their primary relationships is a big f*ing deal.

It can be annoying, but if he’s not inclined to cheat, I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, or you risk pushing him further in that direction.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Emotional affairs are frustrating.  As are physical affairs.  What makes it an "emotional affair" in your mind, as opposed to just a friendship or a "real affair"?

Whatever it is, the behavior is likely to continue - that's the nature of BPD.  What are your boundaries?  Is there a line to be crossed that you won't tolerate?  Is your line "sex"?  I'm not saying that even has to be the line you draw, just that it's good to start thinking about before you reach that point.

Also, pay attention to your own friendships and connections.  Sometimes people cut off their own emotional ties, in hopes that pwBPD will do the same.  It's like trying to set an example, but it can end up with them still having emotional affairs, and you not having any emotional support.  I would say, push your own personal boundaries a little.  Allow yourself to have some emotional friends.  As codependents, we often feel like we're "cheating", even though we're just engaging in normal friendships.  It can also put you in a more resilient mindset to know that you have some attention too, not just him.  I'm not saying you have to compete for who can get the most attention outside of your relationship - just that it's ok for you to have some of that too.