No diagnosis - but feels like BPD for SO

[DistrictConfer4]

Hello,
I am trying to be a student to all of this. SO has glaring NPD traits, but is offended, naturally, at the thought of that. Also, has some PTSD (diagnosed from past relationship and life traumas) issues, which can be confusing when many things can be a trigger. They have super mood swings, like super manic to super depressed to super angry, righteous indignation as they call it. They have that super needed to be the center of attention and affection. They binge drink often and smoke green herb at the same time. It is clear they are not over a divorce from over 10 years ago, it is clear they have some underlying misogynistic tendencies. They like to blame me for many things, and right when I am to describe them as I see them, they project and call me exactly as I was going to call them out as.
They like to use triangulation, but deny it, and say that other women find them attractive and they can have any woman for the most part. They even have specific women in mind for marriage if our marriage falls apart. We have come close many times, and they have slept with at least one other woman, most likely more, while still being intimate with me during a separate living situation. Hard to live with someone that drinks so much and so often, gets angry, demands the affections and attentions of others, verbally abuses, and yes, one time at least physically abused me, demands affections from me when I am definitely NOT mentally or emotionally aroused at his behaviors or actions. I feel that they use too many things against me and wears me down to the point where I finally lose my temper. I enable behaviors because I don't want to fight. They are a well-trained debater and unfortunately have read many books on psychology, logic, and many other self-help books, especially BPD. They have rages but say it is fine for them to be angry and speak loudly, but not for me to have feelings or finally respond. They can use vile language, but if I do, I am in the wrong for using those words. They have loudly berated me with words on their front porch so the neighbors could hear, especially about sexual needs. They often have used the front porch, in the daylight, as a bathroom while naked (inebriated, mostly) and show signs of being an exhibitionist while claiming to be very religious in a strict faith of christianity. I have done things to distract them when they are being overly rude or verbally abusive (especially while they are inebriated). Sometimes the distraction works temporarily. Sometimes I feel disgusted with myself for doing whatever it takes to shut them up and fall asleep and sober up. When I met this person, they were "sober" but not because they chose it, I found out later. But, it gave me hope that they could be and want to be sober. I am not sure who I am dealing with, I know first, the addict needs work to be healthy. I know I need to take care of myself first before I can care for anyone else. Some days I feel trapped when I give in and try to listen to their words of 'comfort' that I can scale back my work. But, then it feels like a trick so I am then enmeshed. They do like to spend money on many items that we really don't need, but I understand some folks might want to do hobbies or build up a tool collection or buy too much perishable food. The drunken and high cooking bothers me to no end, usually a smelly, smoky disaster. They complain on a consistent basis about one thing or another that seems quite petty. They want a bigger home so they can store more of their items they unnecessarily purchase, probably to buy more stuff?
I am not perfect, do not claim to be. I just want to know I am not the crazy one. This is not behavior that would be 'acceptable' most days? My days off usually are me trying to smile and keep them happy, when they could be completing many tasks they start (months ago). Apologies for using the word "I" so much.
Prayer is pretty much the only things keeping me calm-ish for now. I try to find time to meditate.
I know I am forgetting things, it just feels like an impulsive person, NPD, with random suicidal depression, PTSD-ish triggers as a constant, manic-depressive, alcohol abuse disorder, drug abuse disorder, attention addiction, needs to be right, verbally and mentally abusive (when I lost a ton a weight, I was still "chubby"), they have little respect for themselves regarding the abuse of alcohol/health situation, they have many "online" girlfriends at the ready to flirt with them, and to top it off, most people/friends DO NOT KNOW they ARE married, especially to me.  So, goes without saying, they do not respect me, truly. They consistently try to reassure me, without me even asking, they are on my side, but it feels like they could truly care less as long as it does not embarrass them. I have pictures of texts of them lying to others about our relationship status and even about something so personal, it makes me super sad.
What am I doing? I just want them to get help so maybe they can find some peace and maybe I can feel some peace for the first time in a long time.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EZEarache]

Duplicate Post

[EZEarache]

Hi DistrictConfer 4

Welcome! It is very brave of you to come here and I'm sorry that you have to experience all of this. It's definitely not acceptable behavior. It sounds like you are trying to wrap your head around a lot of things right now. That's where we all start out on this board, and it does get easier as time goes on.

It also sounds like you have withstood a lot of emotional and maybe even physical abuse. Have you considered getting therapy for yourself to come to terms with everything.

Substance abuse is usually a symptom of a major mental health disorder and only partially the cause the erratic behavior. You may be right that this is BPD. However, these symptoms also sound very similar to BPD's equally evil fraternal twin brother NPD, which you mention at the beginning. I think working with a trained professional therapist will probably help you determine which disorder this is for certain and what your best approach is for yourself as you move forward.

I am not perfect, do not claim to be. I just want to know I am not the crazy one. This is not behavior that would be 'acceptable' most days? My days off usually are me trying to smile and keep them happy, when they could be completing many tasks they start (months ago). Apologies for using the word "I" so much.

It's not acceptable behavior, and you're  not crazy. When I first joined this board, I thought I was the one with BPD, because I exhibited so many of the traits. I've since learned that this was a result of all the manipulation and projection that I was subjected to, so that my exwBPD could deflect their own negative feelings.

I hope your path forward is an easy one.

[pursuingJoy]

I just want to echo this.

It's not acceptable behavior, and you're  not crazy.

Welcome. Many people here know what it is to navigate these behaviors from a loved one. I also want to second the suggestion to find a therapist, if you haven't already. When I've felt stuck, I've found support and encouragement and clarity in therapy. You could also look into 12-step groups in your area.

Do you have family nearby? Friends that know what's going on?

[DistrictConfer4]

Thank you so much.Your kind words of support mean so very much. I have a close friend that knows. Family is not close by, but I don't feel safe letting them know anything more than alcohol abuse. Tried going to therapy once and the SO came in with me while they were high. They complained about me and "my issues." The following visit, by myself, I stated that they were high at the last visit, and they are abusive of drugs, and of all the things stated in first post, alcohol, and blame me for all of the relationship problems. Therapist suggested divorce. That was about 2.5 years ago. I am curious to try therapy again, by myself, and learn about alanon.

[pursuingJoy]

Please accept this virtual hug. You're carrying a heavy weight. I'm hopeful that you're on a trajectory to unload some of it, with some relief and a positive outcome.

Keep your friend informed, keep us posted, and check out alanon and therapy. These are important steps to care for yourself as you navigate this. You're building your support network. 

How does he feel when you talk to people and build friendships? Does he ever express a desire to stay in the relationship?

[DistrictConfer4]

Thank you so much for your virtual hug. He wants to stay in the relationship, for now, as long as I am able to give him attention he needs and remain 'understanding.' Regarding how he feels about me building friendships, I think he doesn't notice unless I mention a new name. He is more enveloped with his attempts at meeting new women through FB or elsewhere. Pretty sure he knows I am so exhausted that I don't have much time for myself. I must be more focused on my own care so I don't feel sick or extra anxious dealing with his behaviors. He is self-sabotaging lately. It has made him super depressed so quickly. He is embarrassed by his 'failures' and pretty sure he is worried how others see him. A competitive person like himself, very upset. I had to tell him to be nice to himself and don't stay in the feeling for too long, "come up for some air."

[pursuingJoy]

Pretty sure he knows I am so exhausted that I don't have much time for myself. I must be more focused on my own care so I don't feel sick or extra anxious dealing with his behaviors.

What steps are you taking to focus on your own care?

[sunny060918]

District - You are not alone! I am new here and feel completely inadequate to offer words of wisdom. But you are in a safe place here with people who know just what you're talking about!  Like you, I questioned all the same things. This is NOT acceptable behavior. I didn't really see how unacceptable until we found a professional therapist who works with these types of personality disorders. I moved out and started setting some boundaries, and that's when I really started to see our relationship with a little more clarity. Our therapist also explained to me that there are many professionals that either don't work with people with BPD, NPD, etc. OR they don't have the experience that is needed. At one point, my bpd hubby wanted me to see a different therapist than him. She flat out told us that alot of therapists would advise me to divorce him. So all that to say, I think finding the right therapist is very important.
You mentioned prayer gets you through. Same here. If you don't mind, I'll pray for you - for clarity, wisdom, and strength.