Confusing evening - can someone help me make sense of it?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’ll start from the beginning. Last night H and I decided to get dinner and head to an outdoor concert. We ordered from a restaurant near the concert. On the way there, H asked how far the restaurant was from the concert. I told him it was a few blocks. He started pulling into the parking lot we normally park in when we go to the concert. I told him the restaurant was further down and probably a 20 minute walk from the concert. He got snappy and said that’s why he had asked me how far it was so we could walk and where did I think we would park. I think I did a good job in apologizing about my half of the miscommunication and validating that he had wanted to know if we could park and walk versus drive. I thought the crisis was diverted.

The concert was fun but H didn’t like the singer. I agreed to leave  when he had said he’d had enough. He asked if I wanted to have a fire in our fire pit and I agreed to do that.

As we were getting ready to have a fire I scrolled through Facebook. A picture of a male friend of one of my friends was on my phone screen when H walked behind me. He asked who that was, I explained a friend of a friend and I was reading her post about him. He dropped the subject.

We talked about work and covid and the vaccine and life in general. Money came up which can be a sore subject since he doesn’t like that I’ve separated our finances. However, it never hit a point that I thought things were going south. After the fire I sat on the couch and went on my phone for a bit. He was having a cigarette and was out on the back porch. Maybe 20 minutes passed.

All of a sudden he walks past the couch, makes a snide remark about me talking to the man I had been looking at on Facebook, and goes upstairs to bed. No saying goodnight, no asking if I’m coming up, no kiss.

I was completely confused. I thought it was a good night. I don’t know where things went wrong. I slept downstairs because I didn’t even want to be beside him after he acted like that. I don’t know if I should tell him how it made me feel, ask him what happened, or just let it go. I’m so emotionally exhausted.

[Slothie83]

I’ll start from the beginning. Last night H and I decided to get dinner and head to an outdoor concert. We ordered from a restaurant near the concert. On the way there, H asked how far the restaurant was from the concert. I told him it was a few blocks. He started pulling into the parking lot we normally park in when we go to the concert. I told him the restaurant was further down and probably a 20 minute walk from the concert. He got snappy and said that’s why he had asked me how far it was so we could walk and where did I think we would park. I think I did a good job in apologizing about my half of the miscommunication and validating that he had wanted to know if we could park and walk versus drive. I thought the crisis was diverted.

The concert was fun but H didn’t like the singer. I agreed to leave  when he had said he’d had enough. He asked if I wanted to have a fire in our fire pit and I agreed to do that.

As we were getting ready to have a fire I scrolled through Facebook. A picture of a male friend of one of my friends was on my phone screen when H walked behind me. He asked who that was, I explained a friend of a friend and I was reading her post about him. He dropped the subject.

We talked about work and covid and the vaccine and life in general. Money came up which can be a sore subject since he doesn’t like that I’ve separated our finances. However, it never hit a point that I thought things were going south. After the fire I sat on the couch and went on my phone for a bit. He was having a cigarette and was out on the back porch. Maybe 20 minutes passed.

All of a sudden he walks past the couch, makes a snide remark about me talking to the man I had been looking at on Facebook, and goes upstairs to bed. No saying goodnight, no asking if I’m coming up, no kiss.

I was completely confused. I thought it was a good night. I don’t know where things went wrong. I slept downstairs because I didn’t even want to be beside him after he acted like that. I don’t know if I should tell him how it made me feel, ask him what happened, or just let it go. I’m so emotionally exhausted.

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[babyducks]

hello slothie83,

there is a thing called rejection sensitive dysphoria,  which is a bunch of big words that mean an  extremely negative response to the perception of being rejected: It goes far beyond the run-of-the-mill discomfort that most of us experience.

People with RSD have such a strong emotional reaction to negative judgments, exclusion, or criticism from others that it sends them into a mental tailspin.

there is a yet to be well defined connection between BPD and RSD.     there is a strong connection between RSD and ADHD.    RSD is the intense emotional response to a real or perceived failure or criticism.

He got snappy and said that’s why he had asked me how far it was so we could walk and where did I think we would park.

and here we have a real or perceived failure or criticism.   he didn't know where to park.   he wasn't sure where he was going.   you didn't provide the right information.    you weren't paying enough attention to him to figure out what he needed.    and the snowball starts to head down the mountain side.

As we were getting ready to have a fire I scrolled through Facebook. A picture of a male friend of one of my friends was on my phone screen when H walked behind me. He asked who that was, I explained a friend of a friend and I was reading her post about him. He dropped the subject.

well no he didn't drop the subject...   he felt rejected again... your attention is on a facebook guy...not on him... so the snowball is starting to pick up steam heading down the mountain.

Money came up which can be a sore subject since he doesn’t like that I’ve separated our finances. However, it never hit a point that I thought things were going south.

another perceived criticism.     

All of a sudden he walks past the couch, makes a snide remark about me talking to the man I had been looking at on Facebook, and goes upstairs to bed. No saying goodnight, no asking if I’m coming up, no kiss.

and he overloads and dumps his negative emotions by lashing out.

I was completely confused. I thought it was a good night. I don’t know where things went wrong. I slept downstairs because I didn’t even want to be beside him after he acted like that. I don’t know if I should tell him how it made me feel, ask him what happened, or just let it go. I’m so emotionally exhausted.

many times the experience I was having in the relationship was not the one my partner was having.    we both saw things through the filter of our own experiences and issues.

how is it going today?

[Slothie83]

Wow! Thanks so much for that insight! I knew it all had to come together, I just couldn’t see how. I’m definitely going to be looking into rejection sensitive dysphoria because that could explain quite a lot!

I guess my next question is, how do I handle the perceived rejection so it doesn’t snowball like that? Obviously at each point throughout the night I could pick up on bits and pieces, however it didn’t get diffused the way I thought it had.

This morning he asked me why I slept downstairs. I told him I hadn’t liked the comment he had made on his way upstairs or the fact that he didn’t say good night. He asked me what comment so I told him. He said he had only been joking with that comment. I said from my perspective it didn’t feel like a joke since he had said it immediately before going up to bed. He said that he’s a jealous guy, that’s just the way he is. I dropped it at that point.

This conversation was actually a HUGE win for me! Normally it could’ve turned into quite a heated debate. I think my stating it from my standpoint rather than “you did this to me” made the biggest difference.

Again, thank you so much for this insight! If you have anymore please let me know!

[babyducks]

my Ex was very rejection sensitive.    I never got good at identifying the hows or whys of it.     everything was rejection to her.   literally everything.   

the best I could do in the moment was attempt to validate.    wish I could say that was successful but it didn't often seem to be.

some of the tips for dealing with a highly sensitive person may help...