Pregnant daughter cutting me out

[CalifMomto2]

My daughter is expecting my first grandchild next month.  She already was challenging and had bipolar and narcissistic traits before pregnancy.  But I had made great progress in setting healthier boundaries, being validating and learning how not to trigger her better.  Now that she is pregnant she is getting worse and worse.  At first she really needed her mom so she relied on me a lot, but the more uncomfortable she became the more easily triggered she became as well.  Now she is so easily enraged I walk on eggshells constantly.  No matter how hard I try to be supportive she still gets set off over any little thing.  Yesterday she flew into a rage because I accidentally disclosed the baby name they were considering to my friend (who knows nobody else in my friend or family circle & couldn’t tell anyone.)  She kept screaming at me & vowed to never let me see the baby because she could “no longer trust me.”  I have bent over backwards to help her at every turn - cooking, cleaning, knitting, sewing, giving them money, buying her any supplies, clothes, food, medical care - anything they needed, and paying for all the food for the baby shower.  She would say jump & I would ask how high.  No matter what I did she would still get aggravated with me.  Very rarely would she thank or appreciate me.  When she is verbally abusive or hurtful, telling her only enraged her more.  She openly says she does not care how I feel.  It’s all about her and the baby.  Whenever she gets furious with me she usually always calls me a week later when she needs something & acts like nothing happened.  This time just feels different & I don’t think she’ll be calling until after the baby is born - if then.  I think she’ll be relying on her husband’s aunt & grandma (his mother passed away).  So all I can do is hope & pray she’ll need help with the baby eventually then set healthier boundaries to keep from being used or abused again.  Please pray for us.  I was so looking forward to being a grandma but I can see I’m going to have to change my expectations and coping strategies. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hello CalifMomto2

Welcome to the family! I'm so sorry you had to find us but I'm glad you did. We are all here because we are experiencing similar feelings and situations and we support each other as we learn more and navigate these tumultuous relationships.

I had made great progress in setting healthier boundaries, being validating and learning how not to trigger her better.

Sounds like you're ahead of the game with this, great! Validation and boundaries are so important - are you working with a therapist who is educated in BPD?

She kept screaming at me & vowed to never let me see the baby because she could “no longer trust me.”

Ouch! I bet that hurt so much.

When she is verbally abusive or hurtful, telling her only enraged her more.  She openly says she does not care how I feel.

This sounds about right. When a person with BPD is in pain, they'll do whatever they can to get rid of that pain; usually placing it on those closest to them. I know how awful it is to tell someone I'm hurt by their actions and to hear that person tell me they don't care.

Do you have any outside support from family and friends? A therapist of your own? We talk a lot about self-care here and it sounds like you are in need of that right now.

I was so looking forward to being a grandma but I can see I’m going to have to change my expectations and coping strategies.

Thank you for the reminder to "change my expectations." This is something I must keep in mind every day with my daughter. We have such high hopes for how our relationships will be with our adult children and their children. When things go differently, it can really pack a punch, can't it?

Have you had a chance to look around the site? Here's a good place to start:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331689.0

It has links to many of our best articles and I found it so helpful when I got here.

We look forward to getting to know you, CaliMomto2. You are not alone.

~ OH