Update on things

[Carguy]

So last Wednesday I had my appointment with my therapist. I told him about what had happened a week and a half earlier with my ex BPD and seeing her at the tennis courts with the other guy. I told him how I reacted and taking all of her stuff from my house to her. I had not talked to her after that. My counselor pointed out some of the things I did and my reactions and such. I realized that maybe I should apologize to her for a few things. No plans to get back together and I wasn't going to apologize for everything. Just my stuff. We talked on the phone and I apologize. Towards the end she thanked me two or three times for the apology and wish me the best. I had no plans on talking to her anymore after that. I wasn't even sure we would hear from each other again.

Monday evening she text me and thanked me again for apologizing and telling me it took great courage and I have the heart of a warrior. She told me she hoped I could overcome my obstacles and could have complete healing. I responded and told her thank you. She then text me saying she hoped I was doing better. I just responded said I was doing okay. She responded again saying that she hoped soon that I could say I was doing better. At first I wasn't responding right away because I was busy doing yard work and then sitting in my hot tub. She started telling me the project she had been working on lately and I told her I just been trying to get yard work done. I could tell she was trying to keep the conversation going. I kept it light and casual. Eventually she said she had better go and I told her goodnight.

The next morning (yesterday morning) on my way to work she text me with an LOL saying that she didn't mean to call me. She picked up her phone and it dialed me. It didn't even show that anybody called on my end. I don't know if she really did that or it was just an excuse to text me some more. Throughout the day at work she kept texting me. In the past she felt like my family hated her and wanted me to talk to them. During these texts she ask me to let her know when I had talked to them because to her my ex-wife was being nice now. My ex-wife had reached out to her quite a few times in the past and she snubbed my ex-wife. My ex-wife and I are good friends. Anyhow she was suspicious of this. I told her I had already talked to them. Then she started asking about all of that. I finally told her I'd have to answer after I got off work. Yesterday evening after I got home I responded. I can see on my end that she had read the message. She never responded after that. Today on my lunch break I seen her with the other guy again. I just laughed at this point.

A few things went through my head. She was contacting me because she had not  seen or heard from me in a while and was making sure I'm still there to fall back on when things go wrong with this guy, or they did have a disagreement so she started messaging me, or very possibly both.

The other thing that crossed my mind was how much do you want to bet that she started texting him just like this when her and I were together?

I was actually quite surprised that she started texting me this soon. I didn't expect to hear from her for a while if at all. When I seen her with the other guy today I knew that was likely why I didn't hear any more responses. I suspect I'll be hearing again from her sometime.

[EZEarache]

Someone said to me on here recently, "Don't feed the monster."

If she reaches out again, don't respond. It seems rude to us nons. However, if you give her any attention positive or negative it will just result in more contact. This will prevent you from healing and moving on. Enjoy the hot tub!

[brighter future]

 EZEarache is correct. Don't feed the monster by answering her back. My uBPD ex finally quit sending text messages to me and also stopped commenting on or liking my posts on mutual friend's pages when she figured out I wasn't going to reciprocate. I think the last time I received contact like this from her was sometime in March. . However, she's walked over into my yard 3-4 times while her son has dropped over to visit me and my daughter. She'll say a few words but will never make eye contact with me. The last time this happened was almost 2 weeks ago. She just stood there nervous laughing and giggling when I was talking to her son and asking him how his summer was going. It was very strange and awkward.

A mutual friend told me that my ex bragged to her shortly after the first of the year that she and her man were going to get married. Here it is 7 months later, and there's been no engagement ring or wedding. Maybe he's having second thoughts?   

The remark you made about suspecting your ex was texting this other guy after she went back to you. More than likely she was. It's all about the supply so she doesn't have to be alone.  I saw texts come through from my ex's new man on and off while she and I were together. I also saw social media posts that they were making on each others pages. Of course when she was back with him after me, I was hearing from her in the same manner. She also kept in touch with this guy while she was married and immediately hooked up with him after she left her husband prior to filing for divorce.  When she hooked up with him immediately at the conclusion of our relationship, she stated that she wanted to be friends with me and keep in touch. I plainly told her at that point to leave me alone. Four and a half months later is when she started contacting me again. Maybe she thought I'd change my mind over the course of a few months? Luckily, I didn't and stayed the course with no contact. It was definitely the right thing to do considering how our relationship ended and also how she likes to recycle men. She once told me while we were together that there were a handful of men (including the father of her oldest child) from past relationships that dumped her and cut all contact immediately, and she couldn't understand why. Now that I've been through that with her, I can understand why they took that route.  However, I do not excuse the little girl's father for not taking responsibility for his child.

I'll admit there's still a little bit of a selfish side to me regarding my ex. She literally rubbed her rebound relationship in my face and told me how much fun she was having. After she personally told me this, she regularly plastered stuff that she and him were doing all over social media.  It was pretty heartless. That's when I went no contact at the advice of my counselor.  When it comes down to it I'd never do it, but part of me would like to rub my new relationship in her face the way she did to me. At the end of the day, that's not the right thing to do, and nothing good will come out of of. I'll just continue to take the high road and keep moving forward. To this day, all of her family is still nice and courteous to me. I'd like to keep things that way since some of them are my neighbors.

Stay strong and keep us posted on your progress. 

[Carguy]

Thanks guys. I know I need to not respond at all. It's hard but at this point I'm getting to the point I don't care anymore. I haven't seen her face to face in a few weeks and don't want to. I pulled into Walmart  the other night to buy a few things and seen her car there. I didn't even want to go in so I pulled back out.

One thing I don't quite get. I'm not sure why she's so concerned with a better relationship with my ex-wife and son. We're not together anymore. She use to have a good relationship with my son but not anymore. Not sure why it's  still important to her.

[khibomsis]

Dear Carguy, she probably was trying to mend things with you and yours while keeping other guy on the shelf.Dont worry about it. When it gets messy with other guy, as it surely will, for the same reasons it got ugly with you,hopefully it will push her into seeking treatment  Otherwise she will keep repeating the same patterns. At least you are free from them.  Give yourself a break and take good care of yourself  

[B53]

It’s important because it’s a way to still have a connection, indirectly. Doesn’t it seem bizarre that she now wants a connection with your exwife, the same person she used to cause drama with you? None of it makes sense, they are mentally ill. Stay strong!

[Carguy]

Khibomsis,

I'm sure it will get messy there again too. It already did before to the point she blocked him everywhere. He then took a screen shot of all the messages to her and sent them to me. I thought that was bizarre itself. It really is a pattern and I'm sure he doesn't realize it yet.

B53,

It IS bizarre! Funny thing is she would constantly tell me she wanted a connection with my ex-wife and my son. She wanted to change the energy and have a better relationship with them. This was while we were together. Yet when my ex-wife would try to reach out to her she wouldn't respond or be suspicious or whatever. She would also be suspicious of my son and dysregulate.  All it really did was make the relationships worse. Yet here we are broken up and she's hanging out with this other guy and she is still wanting a better relationship with them?

I'll tell you some more bizarre stuff. Later I had thought about how she had text me and was reaching out with encouraging words and such. I thanked her in a text for reaching out and being caring and giving me encouraging words. I told her I wanted to let her know I care about her too. She then text me back and told me she was putting a boundary there for herself that we can only text if the conversation is going to produce good results and a way to progress. Telling her that I care doesn't help and it gets us nowhere. But my perspective on how she can help mend the relationship with my ex-wife does. She told me she felt like I was clinging on to her and seeing where we stood. Saying it was an insecurity instead of creating a solid foundation.

In that moment for a few seconds I wanted to text back and defend what I was actually saying and part of me wanted to get angry. I realized right away it wasn't even worth it. I just text her back and told her I understand and I'd respect that.

Since then I haven't bothered even texting her.

I don't know about you guys but that didn't come off so much as a boundary to me but a control thing. To me it looked like a game. She hadn't heard from me in a while so she text me and wants to carry on a conversation and reach out and be all kind and caring but then tells me that when I respond in a caring manner. To me it felt like she was making sure I was there and when she felt like I was still at her beck and call she was back in control and put conditions on talking to her. Nope! Not playing that game again! I have better things to do!

[grumpydonut]

100% about power and control.

If they have the upper hand, they don't feel abandoned, for they abandoned you. Therefore there is no impact on their self worth - because, in their mind, they're superior to you.

[Carguy]

That's what I thought too. My counselor and I actually talked about this a while back on another incident. I don't even remember what it was for sure but he pointed out how she wanted to be in control and above me and how being in control or above her never even entered my mind in that circumstance. I was actually a little confused by it.

During that moment when I read that text I stopped and thought about it. I had to wonder if she was searching for a certain kind of response? Perhaps one of desperation or chasing. Possibly some sort of drama response? I think she was looking for the kind of responses I used to give. A long drawn-out pour my heart out response. For a second it hurt but then I started thinking back at how many times she's done this exact thing. When we were apart like this and I tried to talk to her she would put conditions on what I could say or talk about with her and she would tell me that if it was anything else she would ignore it and not respond. Once I thought about that and realize this is just the same thing over again I decided I'm not even going to play that game anymore. I just gave a response of agreement and decided to not text her anymore.

At this point I feel like if I can only say certain things to her or talk about only certain things then why even bother talking? If she wants control then she can have control all by herself (or with the other guy really).

[Cromwell]

Can you share more what do you mean by game. Is it the realm of winners/losers sort of thing. Rules. Conventional stuff. Completion etc?

[Carguy]

Cromwell,

To me it seems like she wasn't sure if I was still there as a backup so she reached out with caring and encouraging words. Maybe her and the other guy even had an argument already. At first I wasn't real engaging but she kept texting to keep a conversation going. A few days later when I text her and thanked her for the caring and encouraging words and told her I cared about her too she text me and told me she was putting a boundary on what I could say. She has done these kind of things in our past too. It felt controlling to me. It's like she wants to play on my anxiety and fear of abandonment so I will pursue her more. I have done this in the past. A few weeks ago she even told me she feels the only way she can get me to do something and change things is by playing on my anxiety. I thought this was a really messed up thing to say. And I have done a lot of changing and working on things even without her doing that. I have to wonder if she is trying to do that now so I will pursue her since I haven't been. That way she would have the attention of two guys.

[Cromwell]

Hi Carguy

Like you said, words.

My ex did this, I found it patronising and fake. As if she became her mother acting out a role of praise to a little boy who did the right thing. I was 37 ffs. It was her acting outside of her persona and very fake. Didn't like it and called her out on it.

You believe she wants attention.

What do you want from get/from her?

[Carguy]

I totally get you. Really I would like her to act like she actually cared about me.

When she started texting me I was leery at first. After while I kept the conversation light I didn't really go into detail about anything. Just told her things like I was trying to get things done around my house and such. It seemed like she cared about me the things she was texting but then a few days later that was all off the table it seemed.

I'm guessing it's for attention. It seems like when I didn't text her, didn't chase, and she didn't see me for a while then she decided to text me.

[EZEarache]

From everything I've read in books, and on this board as well as experienced personally, at this point it is unlikely that she will actually care about you like she did previously. You might see a glimpse of it here and there and it will give you a false hope. Unfortunately, the only thing she will really care about is her manipulation of you, so that you are able to fill her own emotional void. Once you stop being her caregiver you will truly be a free man.

To be honest, when I read posts like this I am jealous of you. You actually have the ability to simply not respond to her so you can heal yourself. It is actually in your power to do this. I know it seems harsh, but this is what needs to happen.

I, on the other hand, am tied to my exwBPD for the rest of my life, because we have a child together. I will always be the sucker, stuck figuring out appropriate validating responses, worrying about future interactions, and dealing with her emotional tirades. If I could simply ignore her, I would gladly do it at this point.

I know, I know the grass is always greener on the other side.

[Sappho11]

From everything I've read in books, and on this board as well as experienced personally, at this point it is unlikely that she will actually care about you like she did previously. You might see a glimpse of it here and there and it will give you a false hope. Unfortunately, the only thing she will really care about is her manipulation of you, so that you are able to fill her own emotional void. Once you stop being her caregiver you will truly be a free man.

To be honest, when I read posts like this I am jealous of you. You actually have the ability to simply not respond to her so you can heal yourself. It is actually in your power to do this. I know it seems harsh, but this is what needs to happen.

I, on the other hand, am tied to my exwBPD for the rest of my life, because we have a child together. I will always be the sucker, stuck figuring out appropriate validating responses, worrying about future interactions, and dealing with her emotional tirades. If I could simply ignore her, I would gladly do it at this point.

I know, I know the grass is always greener on the other side.

Excellent point.

One of my acquaintances is in your shoes. He, too, more or less said "Be glad that you got out without having a child. I know I wouldn't have stuck around without mine".

Sorry you have to go through this.

[Cromwell]

My experience is either make moves to leave {but don't} or tell her another woman is interested in relationship with you and your very happy

If it's attention you want and it's dried up too much.

[Carguy]

EZEarache,

I am quite thankful we didn't have kids. I have known her since 2005. We dated for a few months back then and then went our separate ways as friends. I didn't see any of the behaviour then that I do now. She tells me that she wishes back then we would have stayed together and she would have had her kids with me. I'm thankful she didn't!

I think you're very right on her caring about me. I think right now it's more about control and making sure she has a backup. I think she is wrapped up with the other guy right now so I will be the devalued one. She says they are just friends but last spring before her and I got back together, they started out as friends and a few months later were a couple. I believe there is more to it or that it will develop into more once again. I think my best bet is to just stay away like I have been and not text.

Cromwell,

I remember a year-and-a-half ago I dated somebody else and I have never seen her more angry or cold towards me. She wouldn't talk to me and was extremely cold to me when she would see me in public for 8 to 9 months. Funny how she breaks up with me and dates someone else immediately and it's a different story. She was furious with me but when I get upset about her doing this I'm the bad guy . And what's even better is she broke up with me before I went out on a date with this girl! There was a time or two in the past though that I was so fed up and hurt that I told her I was just going to go no contact. It was surprising how fast she turned around and wanted to talk and apologize and work things out. In those moments I was serious about it too. I didn't want to talk anymore and just wanted to be left alone. I would give in though and we would talk.

[brighter future]

Carguy,

Just checking in with you to see how things have been going since your last post. Hope all is well on your end, my friend.

[khibomsis]

Yes Cargug, we care about you. Check in and let us know how you are doing? 

[Carguy]

Hey guys! Thank you for checking up on me and caring for me!  I'm doing pretty good. I unfortunately broke my hot tub the other day (messed up the new heater I put in it) so I will have to fix that. I want to fix it soon because I have maybe a month left before I have to take the swimming pool down.

Other than that I have been trying to get stuff done around my house and actually got some work done on my rental property! It felt good to get something done.

As far as the ex, she has text me a few times and we have talked. She is quite angry with the other guy. She just wanted a friend and he kept pushing for more. I knew he wanted more. He did the last time as well. See said she has blocked him online and on her phone. She wanted to talk in person last night so we did. What's interesting is I felt she was trying to reach out to me but when we talked last night she told me she loved and cared for me deeply and missed me but then told me we weren't getting back together and she was letting me go. I'm actually good with that because I really don't want to get back together with her right now. I actually feel like I have less stress and anxiety. I feel like I'm getting stuff done too. I know this is how I feel at the moment and who knows how I will feel down the road but in this moment I feel being apart is a good thing.

How are you guys doing?

[khibomsis]

Thanks Carguy,  good to hear from you! All good this side,focusing on my issues and every day realizing how crazy I am so that keeps me occupied. Mad busy at work too.
Glad to hear you are doing well. Yes one does tend to appreciate the space after a while.I will sigh with pleasure at my own company sometimes.  
Sounds to me like you are getting quite an expert at breaking up. You are not letting the drama get to you. You are making great progress with your boundaries. 

[Cromwell]

Good to hear also. Sounds like you've been experiencing a bit of the difference having some space.

I found surprising plus points at break from the constant need fulfillment and concurrent moments of having to wonder and figure out incongruent behavior. Alot of spare energy, to, god for bid, do my own things with, have a bit of my old mind and from that, a bit of joy here and there! Imagine that!

Good for you its sounds healthy and positive.