So glad you decided to post after lurking! Welcome welcome.
1. Do you think I have interpreted her actions correctly? Does anyone have a similar experience? Am I doing the right thing to back off messaging her do you think?
You're doing the right thing. I don't have BPD, but I was a single mom of 3 when I met my now-husband. My favorite thing about him was that I could say no, or not now, or not yet, and he wouldn't get offended or sulk or just go away in a fit. He'd give me time, then try again, in a small way. To me, this indicated a strong sense of self. He wouldn't rely on me to always be there or take care of him. I found that very attractive and reassuring because I knew that with 3 kids, I couldn't promise to always be available.
I can only imagine how much more intense these feelings are when you have BPD.
2. Any advice for me for dealing with the silent periods? Some self care?
Absolutely. You're here sharing your frustration, that's great. I throw myself into a home renovation project or work out. Create intentional time for your brain to focus on something else and get a break from worrying. Find a counselor you can vent to and get unbiased perspective from.
3. Is two months typical? I feel stuck - I want to make it work with L but with no sign at the moment of her return, I inevitably question how long I can sit here and wait. If I knew for sure she would come back then it wouldn't be a problem, but I don't want her to feel abandoned and further validate her fears.
How long is really up to you - only you can decide what's too long.
Being in a relationship with her will require you to have a strong sense of self. This doesn't mean gritting your teeth and bearing it, in fact, it means more vulnerability. It may mean self-care, counseling for yourself, setting firm boundaries with her and holding yourself accountable for sustaining the boundaries. It may mean assessing your personal limits (because we all have them) and really asking yourself if this is the best thing for both of you. It may mean finding and sustaining multiple sources of support.
4. Any advice on how to help dealing with her standing me up when we are talking? I know why it happens, I try not to get upset. I just can't work out what it is that makes her push through the feelings for a successful meet.
This is where boundaries may be effective. It's not about anger or vengeful behavior, but it's important for her to know that dismissing you isn't acceptable. If it happens again, "I'm going to wait 15 more minutes, and then I'll head on to the concert by myself. I'll be seated at this location, come find me if you can make it!" Let her know you're ok - you have a life, you're stable, you're not angry, but you're not going to wait around for her or tolerate that treatment.
5. Anyone been able to make a LTR work? It seems that all of these relationships end badly from everything I have read. I feel like we can make it work in the long term, I have to accept and ride the waves, it's going to be bloody hard - but anyone with success stories or a bit of hope? or is all of my optimism misguided?
There's always hope. It will take hard work. Many people here have shared successes after implementing the tools we learn here.
We get how frustrating and impossible it can feel sometimes, but we're here to support you in any way we can.
