Ex got back in touch.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'll join in, even though the moment has long passed for Sappho, because there are some good points here as Poppy2 points out.

If someone truly loved you, wouldn't they do more? Wouldn't they try to make up for the whole thing with actions? Perhaps my notions of love are fantastical.

Yes, we'd like to think so wouldn't we?  As we all know we're not dealing with a regular type of person with our BPDex.  What's helped me is looking at it from a perspective of my well being and so it has to deal with forgiveness.  Not for their sake, no, I can't even picture a scenario with my BPDex in a repentant posture, at least not a sincere one.  These terrible things were done to me (over 2 years ago, now, they started) and I gotta let some of it go.  Another way of looking at is to 'clear their debts' to you, more of a mental accounting and dumping these bad debts off your books.

Let's face it, there's nothing that our BPDex's can do to make up for what has been taken from us.  Our time, our love, our trust, our emotional well-being--all toyed with and violated.  I can't shop online and replace what's been taken from me by my BPDex. And she can't return it to me, even if she wanted to. It's gone.

Best I can do is write down in the ledger what's been stolen, categorize it as a "bad debt", and write it off for good.  And for Pete's sake, don't ever take on any more debt from this person!

It's maybe not as satisfying as you'd like it to be, but it's been one exercise that's been helpful for me to start the healing practice.

[Ad Meliora]

I'll join in, even though the moment has long passed for Sappho, because there are some good points here as Poppy2 points out.

If someone truly loved you, wouldn't they do more? Wouldn't they try to make up for the whole thing with actions? Perhaps my notions of love are fantastical.

Yes, we'd like to think so wouldn't we?  As we all know we're not dealing with a regular type of person with our BPDex.  What's helped me is looking at it from a perspective of my well being and so it has to deal with forgiveness.  Not for their sake, no, I can't even picture a scenario with my BPDex in a repentant posture, at least not a sincere one.  These terrible things were done to me (over 2 years ago, now, they started) and I gotta let some of it go.  Another way of looking at is to 'clear their debts' to you, more of a mental accounting and dumping these bad debts off your books.

Let's face it, there's nothing that our BPDex's can do to make up for what has been taken from us.  Our time, our love, our trust, our emotional well-being--all toyed with and violated.  I can't shop online and replace what's been taken from me by my BPDex. And she can't return it to me, even if she wanted to. It's gone.

Best I can do is write down in the ledger what's been stolen, categorize it as a "bad debt", and write it off for good.  And for Pete's sake, don't ever take on any more debt from this person!

It's maybe not as satisfying as you'd like it to be, but it's been one exercise that's been helpful for me to start the healing practice.

[poppy2]

Hey,

yeah thinking of it as a bad debt or putting it inside a 'file' in your mind and then putting that file away is a good way of dealing with it. You gotta write it off, yes. I had a good reaction to writing my long rant afterwards, to try and think 'what if none of this has to do with me?' that's hard to think in a relationship where it's give and take but I think part of positively re-writing the past in terms of mental illness is to try and accept that none of it actually has to do with the non. Honestly that still rankles but it's at least a new perspective for me on these communications.

Thanks for your reply.

[Cromwell]

This was a very short note on a piece of paper.

I "felt" a certain way by reading it, more so than trying to make meaning of the words which were not too complex, he was on the face of it, wishing you well. From there, it is up to the reader to decide upon any uluterior motive or dishonesty in it.

What helped me towards detachment was to stop playing so much detective. There is a place for logical and critical thinking, but these are not crimes are such to be proven to a set level of evidence. Its a relationship, and feelings are important. Put simply, most of the things ive talked about my ex, specifically the cheating, the mind games, it would be very difficult to "prove" any of them. I dont need to persuade anyone. Its my call, to end the relationship when I find it makes me feel upset, too confusing, distrusting and so forth.

you want a happy ending Sappho, you admit this here. It sounds idealistic, im an idealist so I can share. Happy endings are possible, If you want one, make one yourself like I did. I left it to her side of the bargain to do her bit to co-create a happy relationship, it failed spectactular. I then relied on her to fix it, failed catastrophically. The least I could do is to have a happy ending and I feel in todays terms I acheived one successfully, on my own back with the support of others along the way. There is nothing to stop you, just dont place a high expection on this persons track record who has let you down so much to be the one who is then expected to redeem himself and fix it all, it may be expecting too much and setting up the stage for the next disappointment.

[MeandThee29]

This was a very short note on a piece of paper.

Yes, I agree. I personally would make it about personal business and drop the rest. You never really know what the other person is thinking, and at this point, it really doesn't matter. Yes, you had a connection (mine was several decades), but your happy ending involves your choices, not his. Getting closure in these relationships from the former partner is unlikely. Maybe they can be nice in a note or email, but you really don't know the whole story from that. Besides, manipulation is one of their potential tools. As a therapist friend of mine likes to say, "Be from Missouri. Show me! Actions speak louder than words."

Mine was a long-distance separation, then a no-contact divorce (it was high conflict), and then I agreed to email to get certain closeout items done. I was so broke when it was final, and it seemed silly to have my attorney handle car title issues and such. There were certain things that had to be exchanged and sent. Yes, there were other observations and comments in his emails, but I kept it all business as my attorney advised. I ignored the emotional appeals and even requests for side deals and kept it like an email to my boss. Every time I talked to my attorney, he reminded me of that. There was a lot of emotion in my ex's emails and in his conversations with his attorney, but not from me and my attorney. The hope was that our choices would drop things down to a reasonable level. His attorney got COVID and then died, so he was self-represented for a while. We still were business-like. And thankfully, I finally was able to close my file with my attorney.

I haven't heard from my ex in some time. There is nothing legal remaining, and to my knowledge, everything that had to be exchanged has been exchanged.

Our adult children have heard from him, but last they told me, they are still no contact with him. He blew up our lives many times over before and after separation and never took responsibility for that. He wanted them to flip a switch with him and pretend like nothing ever happened, and that's just not how safe relationships go. I didn't tell them that, but they worked it out themselves. In many ways, they are way more savvy than I was as a young adult.  

[Sappho11]

"I don't want to participate in this toxic dynamic between us any longer.
Every time we talked or kept in contact, I felt like having no control over what was happening. Every time we tried, we both ended up hurt.
I guess hurt people hurt people, and I am sure that neither of us wanted to do so. But I find this dynamic very distressing, and it causes me a lot of anxiety. The only way I see to stop it is to leave each other alone.
Neither of us can contain the other one's pain or heal the other one's wounds, and I am afraid that trying to will hurt both of us even more.
I am not angry, and I don't think what happened is anyone's fault.
It makes me unbelievably sad that we weren't good for each other and couldn't find a way to be in each other's lives, but I don't want to continue this.
I wish you all the Best!"

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, poppy! Let's have a look at that message:

"I don't want to participate in this toxic dynamic between us any longer."
Brash, black-and-white statement that's all about her; your feelings don't even factor in.

Every time we talked or kept in contact, I felt like having no control over what was happening.
Control. That's a big one. For pwBPD, relationships are all about control. If they don't manage to manipulate you, they will paint you black and discard you. If they do manage to manipulate you, they will grow bored of you and discard you. It's a no-win situation for the non involved.

My ex used to batter his girlfriend of 8 years before me. He confessed this early on, claiming it had only happened once or twice, but knowing his aggressive side, I now assume that was a lie. I later found out that he only stuck with her because he could completely control every aspect of her life, down to her own private interests. It was chilling to watch – that poor woman had lost her entire personality in the process.

When he confessed to the beatings, I told him that violence was a dealbreaker to me, and that if he ever happened to beat me, that's the last time he'd ever see me.

Conflicts started arising soon after that. At some level he knew that he wouldn't been able to control me like he had controlled his ex, and that suddenly placed everything we had on a shaky foundation for him.

Every time we tried, we both ended up hurt.
LOL! From what I gather, you've tried to console her as best you could, and she decided to hurt you and be hurt in the process. Notice that the first time she mentions a "we", it's really about her feelings and justifying herself by insinuating you did something wrong.

I guess hurt people hurt people, and I am sure that neither of us wanted to do so. But I find this dynamic very distressing, and it causes me a lot of anxiety. The only way I see to stop it is to leave each other alone.
Neither of us can contain the other one's pain or heal the other one's wounds, and I am afraid that trying to will hurt both of us even more.
Translation: "I feel hurt, so my solution is to never see one another again, and I frankly don't care what you feel about it. But I'm going to put it in vague, abstract, bombastic terms so that it's confusing and impossible to say that I am the bad person. I'm also going to insinuate that you are as crazy as me so that I don't have to face my own issues."

I am not angry, and I don't think what happened is anyone's fault.
Translation: "I don't want you anymore, and whatever the reason for that may be, it sure isn't my fault. You think it may be my defects? I DISAGREE. But just to be safe, let me pretend to be grand and generous, so that you don't feel inclined to investigate any further."

It makes me unbelievably sad that we weren't good for each other and couldn't find a way to be in each other's lives...
See above.

...but I don't want to continue this.
"...and I don't care to hear about what you think, because my feelings take precedence over yours. They always did, so don't act surprised now."

I wish you all the Best!
Translation: "That said, I might need you at some point when I feel really low, so let me pretend we parted in a cordial manner, in the most superficial way ever, because that's the only thing I can muster. I hope you accept this thin veneer of cordiality, so that I can contact you at any time in the future when I happen to want your services again, and be able to pretend the timing or the circumstances weren't right."


–

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. But this exactly sounds like the message my ex sent me in hindsight. I couldn't make sense of it at the time, but boy do I see it now.

Without the context it's of course very hard to understand why this was so hurtful and strange to me. Like all of you say, it seems so reasonable until you know the background. Is there anything in this message that strikes any of you? Because I know it seems so reasonable and adult and this is what threw me. One thing I noticed by putting it on this site is that she never once mentions a specific incident (I'm not sharing my own emails, which try to address issues, because it would make this post essayistic).. and that is suspicious.

I don't think there's anything strange about finding a message like that hurtful. It's calculated, cold, and written with almost medical precision and sterility. There's zero regard for you and only vague descriptions of her own feelings, which are diffuse, confused, murky and somehow intangible.

Why does she always use "we"?

It's a subtle form of blame-shifting; she doesn't take responsibility for anything she did, so she's trying to distribute the burden "equally" across your shoulders and hers. Great BS-ing technique, she'd probably make a magnificent lawyer (albeit only for herself).

Do any of you recognize these communicative techniques, or am I just in crazy-land?

Yes and yes.

I know it's pointless to ruminate, but actually for me it's helpful to dissect this period as I internalized the shame/hurt from being discarded really deeply I think, and like the others here would have expected a letter, an explanation, an apology, and basic human decency and respect. So many unresolved issues is why I find this "break-up" damaging, rather than simply a break-up... and I am convinced that if I hadn't opposed this silent treatment, she would have come back around for more supply at some point, but then I would have just been a doormat. By never giving me any closure until i forced the matter, she was keeping her "supply options" open, and by never responding to any points of my emails she could take the high ground in some silly, but very damaging, power struggle.

Dissecting things is good, IMHO. With distance, you'll see the harmful dynamics that have been at play in the beginning – that the game was always rigged in her favour, not yours, and that whenever you tried to reclaim a shred of balance, she'd go off the rails.

(...) On an abandonment website I read that the abandoner empowers themself through their actions and usually invents "excuses" to justify their callous behaviour, and ofc that is all that is going on here. But these forms of deliberate disempowerment of others really get my goat and I had to share here.

Control is huge for pwBPD. They can't help it, it's at the very core of this disorder. And since they think so lowly of themselves, exercising self-control just doesn't cut it for them, they have to disempower other people in order to feel alive and worthy of being alive.

I think this is a great learning experience for every non involved. PwBPD will never have this insight and will likely live unhappily ever after, trapped within their own shortcomings and toxicity. We on the other hand get to ask ourselves the important questions – and to answer them: "Do I want to be in a relationship where I have no autonomy, yet the other person demands complete freedom?" "Do I want to love someone despite never getting any genuine feelings in return?" "Do I want to be with someone who's emotionally a toddler, and whose condition needs to be managed every single minute of the day?"

I'm beginning to think of this as a valuable blueprint to avoid future unfit partners – and further an unhappy future marriage, unhappy child rearing/family situations, and most importantly and eventually – an unhappy life.

[Sappho11]

I'll join in, even though the moment has long passed for Sappho, because there are some good points here as Poppy2 points out.

Yes, we'd like to think so wouldn't we?  As we all know we're not dealing with a regular type of person with our BPDex.  What's helped me is looking at it from a perspective of my well being and so it has to deal with forgiveness.  Not for their sake, no, I can't even picture a scenario with my BPDex in a repentant posture, at least not a sincere one.  These terrible things were done to me (over 2 years ago, now, they started) and I gotta let some of it go.  Another way of looking at is to 'clear their debts' to you, more of a mental accounting and dumping these bad debts off your books.

Let's face it, there's nothing that our BPDex's can do to make up for what has been taken from us.  Our time, our love, our trust, our emotional well-being--all toyed with and violated.  I can't shop online and replace what's been taken from me by my BPDex. And she can't return it to me, even if she wanted to. It's gone.

Best I can do is write down in the ledger what's been stolen, categorize it as a "bad debt", and write it off for good.  And for Pete's sake, don't ever take on any more debt from this person!

It's maybe not as satisfying as you'd like it to be, but it's been one exercise that's been helpful for me to start the healing practice.

Very well said. At some point you just have to cut your losses. It hurts in that very moment, but it does get better with time.

Hey,

yeah thinking of it as a bad debt or putting it inside a 'file' in your mind and then putting that file away is a good way of dealing with it. You gotta write it off, yes. I had a good reaction to writing my long rant afterwards, to try and think 'what if none of this has to do with me?' that's hard to think in a relationship where it's give and take but I think part of positively re-writing the past in terms of mental illness is to try and accept that none of it actually has to do with the non. Honestly that still rankles but it's at least a new perspective for me on these communications.

Thanks for your reply.

That's the perfect question! And the answer is: It truly had nothing to do with you.

This was a very short note on a piece of paper.

I "felt" a certain way by reading it, more so than trying to make meaning of the words which were not too complex, he was on the face of it, wishing you well. From there, it is up to the reader to decide upon any uluterior motive or dishonesty in it.

What helped me towards detachment was to stop playing so much detective. There is a place for logical and critical thinking, but these are not crimes are such to be proven to a set level of evidence. Its a relationship, and feelings are important. Put simply, most of the things ive talked about my ex, specifically the cheating, the mind games, it would be very difficult to "prove" any of them. I dont need to persuade anyone. Its my call, to end the relationship when I find it makes me feel upset, too confusing, distrusting and so forth.

you want a happy ending Sappho, you admit this here. It sounds idealistic, im an idealist so I can share. Happy endings are possible, If you want one, make one yourself like I did. I left it to her side of the bargain to do her bit to co-create a happy relationship, it failed spectactular. I then relied on her to fix it, failed catastrophically. The least I could do is to have a happy ending and I feel in todays terms I acheived one successfully, on my own back with the support of others along the way. There is nothing to stop you, just dont place a high expection on this persons track record who has let you down so much to be the one who is then expected to redeem himself and fix it all, it may be expecting too much and setting up the stage for the next disappointment.

  Thank you for your input Cromwell, but you've overlooked that it's an old thread. That relationship is waaaay past redemption at this point for me. I wouldn't take my ex back come hell or high water now. Not even if he suddenly and "permanently" turned into the person he pretended to be. I've seen behind the facade, it's over.

[poppy2]

Sappho, I just want to say how absolutely, deeply grateful I am for your blow by blow cold reality bath. Reading this old thread was a positive trigger in terms that I recognized so many duplicitous or soulless communicative behaviours but it also helped me to see how low my self-esteem was that I couldn't even 'see' it. I entered this situation a strong and determined and very active person, and I left it a shell.. getting these emails I was still the rat in the maze pressing the button on familiar 'stress' because it's what I had been conditioned to. That is why your cold reality bath is the best medicine for me. I'm not religious but I feel like saying "god bless you" for helping me see the toddler in the gradiosity, the viper in the aloof "generosity", and the self-involved narcissist in the pseudo-empathy and blame-shifting. I had to laugh out loud a lot reading your descriptions and I'm going to save this post for whenever I'm feeling nostalgic or low... I don't think Sappho had a classical epithet (although Plato called her the "tenth muse") but you penetrated the FOG like "sharp-eyed" Athena and skewered every single line of that self-serving email. In the end, they are just ridiculously incompetent, and having that comically exposed is a great antidote and exit-door to the victim of their power-games in me. Also, although my friends have been so great, none of them could have ever written such an effective translation as you, since none of them really "get" the duplicity of how people with PDs present.

You know how you wrote your relationship blew up into this absurd, cosmic, 'we'll be looking at the same moon' just because you wanted to see each other twice a week and stay in touch? I wanted to see each other *once a month* (we live in different cities, but only 2 hours away) and speak maybe 2 times a week on the phone. That's the level I accepted (see rat in the maze, above). I felt ashamed about it because I fell into the trap of "if only I try harder" .. I was afraid, honestly, the victim of intermittent reinforcement and also just didn't understand that for some people, especially those who emotionally blackmail, it's win-at-all-costs, and so the discard hit my self-esteem so badly because I hadn't asserted strong enough boundaries before. That's also why your sharp reversals are such a relief to me.

I totally agree with you that processing is the only way forward. I think I am slowly leaving a state of denial and entering the state of realizing it was all about her, since the beginning, and that I was a pawn inside somebody else's illness since the beginning. This is both an immense relief (hallo reality) and a confrontation with horror (people like that exist ?  As you once suggested, writing the story of the relationship helped me immensely with this, but I actually decided to do it in the third person, using the name "poppy"... it really helped me to recognize that "poppy" couldn't even recall one time when she was really there for me, despite all the promises and kind words. Realizing this was an important body blow for me. As you say so well in your post, " it was never about you / always about me, so why do you expect any different now?" Writing this story in the third person helped me for the first time remember the autonomous and indepedent person I was before getting into this mess.

Also, I just wanna say: your comments about battering scare me, tbh. I'm of course glad this didn't happen to you but if anybody told me they ever battered anybody I would force them to go into therapy. Also, how could he admit to this without shame? was it like a casual "oh I used to batter my ex?" I find it impossible to imagine anybody saying anything like that, unless they were truly repentant, and it doesn't sound like he was. Their need for control is legion and from what I've read it only gets worse and worse and worse. I can also relate to your expereince that the "illness" really began to manifest once a boundary was set against their need for control - in your case, the conversation about battering, in my case, the rejection of a sexual assault. Of course we'll never know what goes on in their mind but the parallel is eerie to me... intellectually, I know that it is the narcissistic injury at work, and its attendant pathological need to "control" the love-object. Emotionally, it's just frightening to think I was vulnerable with/trusted a person like that. It makes me feel sick. And I actually think speaking with their ex's can be healing in this regard. Did you ever consider contacting this other woman? I would like to speak with the ex of my ex, to commiserate together, and also to find out if he was as badly victimized as I was (ofc, my ex presented herself as the victim of love, classic BPD there... but I really want his side of the story now.)

I'm really so grateful you took the time today to blast that email, it makes me wanna throw flowers in the air.

[Sappho11]

poppy, thank you for your kind words, they made my day. By all means, do throw flowers in the air As the saying goes: Go where you're celebrated, not where you're tolerated.

I don't mean to flog a dead horse, but I forgot one of the most important aspects, the one that riles me up the most. It's the complete and utter BS front of "I'm so sorry we couldn't work out a way to be together" and its various different variants. It's the one thing I hated the most about my ex's message, too. It would have been far more accurate if your ex and mine had written:

"The truth is, I simply couldn't be bothered to find a way to be together. It just isn't important to me. You as a person weren't that important to me. I might have felt differently in the beginning, but that's just what it is now, and it will stay that way as long as I comfortably know that you're still available if I ever happen to temporarily want your attention and validation back. [In the meantime, it will probably be a lot easier for me to latch on to a new source of attention who hasn't seen through my BS yet and doesn't call me out on it, so bye for now – I might resurface in a couple of months/years though, when you've hopefully forgotten about it.]"

Their complete lack of care and effort is what hurts, and it is also what sets you free. Because let's face it – someone who truly loves you will find a way to make things work, come hell or high water. There is no way around it. Chances are, you're a lot easier to be with than your BPDex. It would have taken a lot less on her behalf to get along with you than for you to get along with her.

In the catalogue of "Things To Make This Relationship Work", you've clearly tried A to Z, thrice over, while your ex didn't even try A. In some unspoken way you always knew this, which is probably part of the reason why the message felt so wrong and unjust. You don't deserve equal blame in the downfall of this relationship. You deserve credit for all the good things you did – and the next person you'll fall in love with, if they're healthy, will appreciate them.

Also, I just wanna say: your comments about battering scare me, tbh. I'm of course glad this didn't happen to you but if anybody told me they ever battered anybody I would force them to go into therapy. Also, how could he admit to this without shame? was it like a casual "oh I used to batter my ex?"

  It was worse. It was my birthday (seems to be a BPD thing to ruin those), we were at a spa, relaxing in a pool. He tried to start an argument with the sentence "I'm scared that we might not work out, because I'm afraid you'll never understand my passion for board games". Startling, but at that point I still had my act together and said "Don't be silly, just show me some board games and we'll see", and refused to discuss it further. A couple of sentences later, still relaxing in the pool!, I tenderly told him "I know you're a good man", and he suddenly became very emotional and said "No, no I'm not. I have to tell you something..." That's when he "confessed". I asked whether he regretted it, he said yes with a deeply rueful look. How often had this happened? Twice, at the beginning of their relationship (allegedly). I told him that I wouldn't condemn him for past transgressions, that we all had things we regretted, but that such behaviour wouldn't ever fly with me; and so ended the debate.

I can't remember what else was said, but I do remember ending up crying in one of those beach pods because he eventually managed to create a fight out of something else. In hindsight, he simply needed the drama that day.

I find it impossible to imagine anybody saying anything like that, unless they were truly repentant, and it doesn't sound like he was. Their need for control is legion and from what I've read it only gets worse and worse and worse. I can also relate to your expereince that the "illness" really began to manifest once a boundary was set against their need for control - in your case, the conversation about battering, in my case, the rejection of a sexual assault. Of course we'll never know what goes on in their mind but the parallel is eerie to me... intellectually, I know that it is the narcissistic injury at work, and its attendant pathological need to "control" the love-object. Emotionally, it's just frightening to think I was vulnerable with/trusted a person like that. It makes me feel sick. And I actually think speaking with their ex's can be healing in this regard. Did you ever consider contacting this other woman? I would like to speak with the ex of my ex, to commiserate together, and also to find out if he was as badly victimized as I was (ofc, my ex presented herself as the victim of love, classic BPD there... but I really want his side of the story now.)

Spot on analysis of their need for control.

I've never felt the desire to speak with his ex, no, though he always "offered" (or rather, threatened) that one day, he'd introduce us... there were several factors why I couldn't ever speak to her:

1) I was sort of the other woman; my ex left her for me. We hadn't been physically intimate, but we definitely had inappropriately emotionally-charged discussions. So in a way, I always felt that I got the karma I deserved for acting like a selfish strumpet and passively breaking them up with my own lack of professionalism. (Yes, my ex sociopathically wrapped me around his little finger by keeping a two-year weekly diary of my likes and dislikes, and I completely fell for it – but I really, really could have put up a much better fight against that than I did.)
2) When my ex and I got together, she turned into the other woman – she kept living at my ex's place for another four months (!) and it was triangulation all the way. My ex refused to cut ties with her and her presence in our relationship was a constant source of sorrow and pain.
3) From what I gather, she is still incredibly enmeshed with his life – she still drives his mother's car every day, works in his mother's law firm as a lowly secretary, has most of her stuff at his place, and her best friends are his only "closer" friends.

So, while I would like to hear her side of the story, I don't think she cares to see me, to put it mildly, and I more than understand that.

There's also the off chance that they're back together, who knows – and in this case, I wouldn't want to touch that ants' nest with a ten-foot pole.

[poppy2]

Oh my god let's please flog a dead horse! Or, a gentler image, flog a dead pinata... it's so cathartic. Because there is that fundamental fact that rumination, even obsession, is a legitimate response to actions or behaviours that the mind simply cannot comprehend. And we never will comprehend it - I saw a good video about that yesterday. The psychologist said: The mind is trying to find a scenario when these situations will not always end in check-mate for you (the non), but the truth is that scenario doesn't exist. So  back to the healthy, cathartic flogging!

I love the message you wrote. And as always I find it so uncanny how similar your attractive, from a good family, but apparently achievement-less ex behaves in a way that elicits exactly the same emotional response as my dissociative, high-functioning, butch-lesbian-in-hiding ex. I mean, come on! How can this be real! I am sure the sub-text of my ex's message is exactly the same as the sub-text of your ex's message, but I would write it far more brutally:

"look, poppy, I know you've been trying so hard in the past months to meet my needs, make me feel safe, and overcome years and years of ingrained trust and intimacy issues that I have. I get it: you're a caring, nice person. But what you don't understand is that it's also so much work having to speak to you about emotional issues, even if I raised them myself in the first place. As long as you're willing to give it, I'm willing to take it, but since this most recent turn in our relationship, you seem like a separate person with separate needs and I am just totally out of my depth with that. I know I told you that you're a special, irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind diamond, but the thing is, I also met a really cute actress recently and since there is no history there I can pretend to be whomever I want again... and that is infinitely preferable to working things out with you, even for an amicable, considerate ending. Oh - and because of my enduring shame, I'll never have the courage to apologize to you in the future: but keep hoping darling! The good thing about this awful illness I have is that I will believe it's your fault, anyway."   

Their complete lack of care and effort is what hurts, and it is also what sets you free. Because let's face it – someone who truly loves you will find a way to make things work, come hell or high water. There is no way around it. Chances are, you're a lot easier to be with than your BPDex. It would have taken a lot less on her behalf to get along with you than for you to get along with her.
In the catalogue of "Things To Make This Relationship Work", you've clearly tried A to Z, thrice over, while your ex didn't even try A. In some unspoken way you always knew this, which is probably part of the reason why the message felt so wrong and unjust. You don't deserve equal blame in the downfall of this relationship. You deserve credit for all the good things you did – and the next person you'll fall in love with, if they're healthy, will appreciate them.

I wish I could say her complete lack of care and effort set me free. Instead, it crushed me. I'm not running away from that feeling anymore, and writing down the "story of the relationship" has helped me to admit some things that I pushed aside - my fear, my denial, and my knowledge that I was just an "item" on a list to her (only after the idealization stage, of course.) I'm sure on the other side of this pain is anger, though. I love how strong your separation from your ex's sh***ty behaviour is, it's always inspiring to read how much self-respect you have, I just wanna be honest and say I'm not there yet... but I am slowly incorporating reality back into the fantasy-land (read: abuse amnesia) of my mind thru the relationship diary. Thank you for saying that I deserve credit for trying, I definitely do and did!

 

I tenderly told him "I know you're a good man", and he suddenly became very emotional and said "No, no I'm not. I have to tell you something..." That's when he "confessed". I asked whether he regretted it, he said yes with a deeply rueful look. How often had this happened? Twice, at the beginning of their relationship (allegedly). I told him that I wouldn't condemn him for past transgressions, that we all had things we regretted, but that such behaviour wouldn't ever fly with me; and so ended the debate.

Isn't the vulnerability so confusing? Like, what this experience has taught us is - vulnerability can be weaponized. And this is a dangerous belief to carry into the world, because I could never have believed the vulnerable, trusting person I felt safe with would become a detached, controlling lizard, but that is exactly what happened! and this is the same with you - what he really means is "tell me I'm not a bad person, make it about me" rather than "here is a behaviour i'm owning up to". ofc the identification of "vulnerable/covert narcissism" helps, but this is just a category, I think it's more important to have strategies. Like for example, I want to be able to trust people again in the future when they're vulnerable, and a book on emotional blackmail is helping me to do this - like after an incident of trust or vulnerability, you detach again and "observe" how they react/what happens. Do their words translate into actions? if so, you can trust them. If not, take your distance. It's helpful for me to read these strategies as I'm a naturally trusting person (translation: (former) easy victim). I think the fact that after this moment of "sharing" all you can remember is crying in a beach pod (sorry to hear that, btw!) is very telling.. maybe there was a deliberate power play following his "confession".

As for speaking with the ex, I can see why you'd be hesitant, yes ... also, she's still enmeshed. Poor her. That stuff about driving his mother's car is creepy, too. Better to leave it. I also really wonder if my ex's ex is somehow "clear" on the whole psychopathic-survival defense mechanisms or not... I would love to have a beer with him (would also be strange, as I'm a trans woman with his now-queer ex, but life is strange) and trade notes but of course staying in the FOG is somehow probably preferable to many people. I just have no idea but really want to unmask the "vulnerable victim of love narcissist" I met from the very beginning and fantasize about meeting this broken, confused victim of BPD to commiserate with. It's just as likely he's still loyal to her though.

Finally, who knows - maybe you got the karma, maybe you didn't. I don't think there's anything wrong with a couple breaking up because he/she/they met somebody else. That's life. But there is a problem when it isn't transparent, respectful, or open. What you could never have predicted (I imagine) is that you were a player in a web of triangulation, which is really just such a sick game. It's just so sick and dysfunctional, to move between or trade people like objects. And you know what? I had a really big  about this, where I was compared unfavourably/favourably with other people my ex was talking to, and it gave me the distinct impression she enjoyed playing games with other people's feelings by pretending availability while actually being totally unavailable. And I ignored it *face palm* by believing in her "good sides". You live and learn.

[WhatToDo47]

I know this is an older thread but I am reading it now and it really resonates.

My ex also abandoned me in a flurry of BPD splitting, rage, cheating, etc.

Now, and also after any time we had disagreements, I’m coming to see, she would communicate in exactly the ways described above, even the word choice was the same as above.

Even though many of the words were technically nice, it always hurt so much.

It’s like she goaded me into loving and trusting her, then stabbed me in the back, and then sent a message in kind and proper English about how sometimes in life you get stabbed in the back, and I shouldn’t be so sensitive, and that when I was ready to pretend it never happened and let her lure me into her trap again, she was there for me.

In the meantime, if I could keep paying for her car and leave her alone so she could triangulate me with other me and cheat, that would be super. She even told me in proper, kind English that she truly loves me just not in love with me, and if I truly love her I should work on myself and she work on herself for the next 5 years and then maybe we can reconsider. In the meantime, I should send her money and payments and not contact her. She moved in with another man about 2 days later, but still calls me and if I sound upset she says “you’re my husband I care about you why would you be upset?” She just doesn’t have any real empathy.

The fake and shallow meaning behind these are what hurts.

[judee]

What an amazing thread.. ! So honest and true, I recognise SO much that I am a bit at a loss for words.

[LaRonge]

I think this is a great learning experience for every non involved. PwBPD will never have this insight and will likely live unhappily ever after, trapped within their own shortcomings and toxicity. We on the other hand get to ask ourselves the important questions – and to answer them: "Do I want to be in a relationship where I have no autonomy, yet the other person demands complete freedom?" "Do I want to love someone despite never getting any genuine feelings in return?" "Do I want to be with someone who's emotionally a toddler, and whose condition needs to be managed every single minute of the day?"

I'm beginning to think of this as a valuable blueprint to avoid future unfit partners – and further an unhappy future marriage, unhappy child rearing/family situations, and most importantly and eventually – an unhappy life.

This is a great point. Thanks for sharing.

[WhatToDo47]

This is a great point. Thanks for sharing.

Just re-reading this thread and that is SO true. We all get to decide what we allow into our lives and how we let ourselves get treated. BPD or not, I think most healthy people would not tolerate these types of relationships. Stay strong all!