How do you explain to others?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hey everyone
I've just seen a post on Reddit and I thought it would be interesting to discuss it here with you.
How can you explain to others that it is hard to let go?

I've personally experienced how difficult it is to try to make my friends and family understand, when I feel so magnetically drawn to my exwBPD that I feel I'm about to die, they think I'm just weak, unmotivated, that I don't want to make a change, "if he makes you feel miserable why do you want to go back?"
A really close friend of mine ended up taking distances from me saying that he was trying to help me but I was being "ungrateful", since I still felt like I needed to go back to my ex. Stuff like this, even talking about trauma bonding, FOG, sometimes people who haven't experienced this make me feel like I'm just a stubborn girl overeacting, and it's kinda frustrating.

[Janie Starks]

Hey everyone
I've just seen a post on Reddit and I thought it would be interesting to discuss it here with you.
How can you explain to others that it is hard to let go?

I've personally experienced how difficult it is to try to make my friends and family understand, when I feel so magnetically drawn to my exwBPD that I feel I'm about to die, they think I'm just weak, unmotivated, that I don't want to make a change, "if he makes you feel miserable why do you want to go back?"
A really close friend of mine ended up taking distances from me saying that he was trying to help me but I was being "ungrateful", since I still felt like I needed to go back to my ex. Stuff like this, even talking about trauma bonding, FOG, sometimes people who haven't experienced this make me feel like I'm just a stubborn girl overeacting, and it's kinda frustrating.

[Cromwell]

why do you have to explain it to others? why are they so important?

what does it matter what they think?

[Cant breathe]

I understand completely how you feel. I think the key to this is the unique nature of the relationship. It was unlike other and you bonded in a way that you never experienced. Then it all went south in ways that make no sense. People who haven't been in a relationship with a pwBPD can't understand - and good for them! I am grateful that not everyone has to go through this pain. Yes, even though you know it will harm every part of you, you want this person back. You feel a soul connection. It's a bond. And, at least in my case, I am bonded to him while he went off the an ex before I even knew we were done. We have been drawn in and breaking it is so very difficult. I once had a therapist tell me that my reaction to the breakup (this was discard number 1) was an overreaction. That does not help at all. (and led me back to him twice more before discard #3 in mid August)

I think reading the experiences of others on this board as well as seeing a good therapist has helped me process the breathtaking cruelty I just experienced from someone I thought loved me. We are a club of sorts and we can't expect everyone to understand. I wish you, me and all here healing and compassion.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi JanieStarks,

People who haven't walked in the shoes of dealing with trauma or unhealthy bonding aren't aware of what it's like. I believe that they assume that they know, but unless you've been there, you truly don't understand.

In the end it is up to you to decide and discover what is healthy for you. It may help for you to chose whom you share with, and it will be less painful if you avoid sharing certain topics with those who don't understand.

Are you seeing a T?

Wools

[Dad50]

Yes. How do you possibly explain, even to yourself, someone literally punching you in the face repeatedly, then they convince you that you need to console them because of all the anxiety they are feeling and that you need to make them feel better because they just punched you. And you do it! And you go back! It is hard to even understand ourselves.
I told my dad I was feeling super sad the relationship was over and it was almost like my dad was upset at me for being upset.  He said he thought I'd be elated and free and so on.

My only thing I can relate to it is I quit drinking 25 years ago. This is harder.

[SinisterComplex]

why do you have to explain it to others? why are they so important?

what does it matter what they think?

I am more along these lines the same as Crom here. You have to remember that you have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself. It is your situation. Your feelings. How you go about it, how you handle it, etc is your own business and no one else's. Only your opinion matters.

For example, I am sharing a view, but for all intents and purposes it matters little rather you listen to me or not because you have to do you and you are in control. I offer up my view as a means of support with the intent of instilling confidence and power into you. Outcome independence. Familiarize yourself with the concept...its learning to truly grasp that you can only control how you respond and put yourself into positions to where positive outcomes are more likely and you leave the variance up to the universe. In other words...only focus on what you can control.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[MeandThee29]

At some point, I just lived in my truth. If they probe too far, I cut it off. I say something like this, "I'm sure that it's hard to understand, but he and I can't be together anymore. I prefer to not discuss it." If you keep saying things like that, people who are healthy will get it.

The reality is that the death of my marriage and the high conflict divorce that followed aren't really of interest to most people. Only a handful of people in my life got the details, and they knew what to say and how to support me.

[Ad Meliora]

You can always talk about it in terms of addiction, that's generally an easy concept to grasp.  If they ask, "How do you get addicted to a person?" respond "How do you get addicted to heroin?"  You use and are exposed, it gives you a high and you seek that high over and over until your brain chemistry is altered and you crave that feeling at the expense of all else.

Your friends and family won't really understand unless they've been there.  The people here have all been there and although our situations are different the stories read the same.

My friends don't get it, so I can't talk to them about it.  My family is tired of me bringing my BPDex up all the time, so they don't want to hear about it.  It was recommended to me to seek talk therapy in my first thread, and I saw it was to you as well.  I'm working on this.  A therapist is someone who can help you (and me) with how to talk about it--or maybe not talk about it as others suggested.

I've read that a person thinks about 40,000-50,000 thoughts a day.  What if I told you after 5 months of breaking up with my BPDex I was still thinking maybe 5,000-10,000 thoughts/day about her and that relationship?   Maybe a year later... still 100+/day. I get it.  My ex was a supercharged magnet.  I wrote it to her in letters, and in poems.  She led me to believe she felt the same.  That was a ruse.