Dealing with devaluation

[Ninetale]

Hey guys. I’m sure a lot of us deal with our loved ones struggling with devaluation with us. What are your success stories with this and coping mechanisms when our loved one starts devaluating us?

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[thankful person]

Hi ninetale,
This isn’t exactly a success story but just wanted to share..
My bpd wife has taken over and was controlling almost all aspects of my life. It was when I realised that it was wrong and unacceptable to be telling me I couldn’t take photos of our children and especially not send them to my mother, that I decided to stand up for myself and insist that things were changing, and it was around that time I found this website. My wife had already started to devalue me by saying that if she didn’t get the sex she wanted from me, then she would have to find a sex partner, and it was also suggested that she would leave me. Please note that we have two babies under the age of two, so I’m not sure how this non-stop sex dream would work out for her. Anyway my insisting of sending photos to my mum coincided with finding this forum. What I am generally understanding is that I should act as “normally” as possible with my wife, for example taking photos and sending them to mum, and then learn how best to deal with my wife’s reactions. It’s a difficult example because I do tend to do it secretly, it’s hard to know how I might behave if I didn’t know her feelings about it. I have a long way to go and I wrote a post recently “things I have given up for her”. Anyway, when I told her that I was going to be taking pictures whenever I want and sending them to mum, my wife told me that “our relationship is over then” She was six months pregnant with our second at that time. She said I was disrespecting her wishes and again said that as she wasn’t happy with our sex life she wants me to leave her. For a few months she refused to say she loved me or any physical contact (though I was supposed to initiate sex talk to show my commitment to her, but it really wasn’t the atmosphere for it) About 3 months later she texted me in my separate bed, “can I tell you something?” I said, “of course” and she texted back, “I love you”. Since then things have been up and down, with a baby in icu and her extreme jealousy of the older child becoming closer to me (they are both biologically hers but legally both of ours). We have hardly seen either family at all since no 2 arrived. I don’t have advice for dealing with it but I’ve recently started posting lots more here and it feels like a betrayal but I can’t talk to anyone I know and the support here is amazing. I wish you all the best and would be interested to learn more of your situation if you’d like to share.

[Ninetale]

Standing up for yourself I feel is a super important step in the right direction. I made a post a couple months back as an intro that goes into my general situation.
in terms of devaluation it’s been something I’ve struggled with and I find myself having days where I’m able to “pull her back” to me fairly easily. Then other days I’ll try the same thing and it worsens the situation. My partner has what I would consider good and bad days, hell that applies to good weeks and bad weeks aswell.
An example of this is while she was asleep I went to have a conversation with our roommate to talk about career opportunities and having a general friendly conversation. I get a text from my partner asking where I was. When I told her I was talking to our roommate I receive a flurry of texts stating that I’m “never there for her” and how I can continue “talking sh*t about her”. Immediately I think “ok she woke up from a night terror and now that’s agitated her mental state”. I texted her stating I was going to finish my conversation then I would come to join her. After receiving a few gradually more agitated texts I finished up my conversation with our roommate and excused myself. When I walked in the room she refused to look at me. When I walked up and stated “I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you woke up but I was just having a conversation that was important” she responded poorly and covered herself in her blanket. In a silly fashion I asked why she was hiding. I continued to remain playful until she eventual started playing along herself. Slipping out of her agitated state. Keep in mind it’s not something that’s perfect and just because it worked this time in my situation doesn’t mean it will work next time. It’s something that I’ve had to attempt (and fail half the time) to be flexible. I hope you find good strategies and ways in the future to have wins with your partner. Best of luck to you!

[thankful person]

I totally get that, my wife is jealous of me talking to any other people for any length of time. I teach online and she doesn’t like to hear me having a laugh or chat with my students and had told me, I don’t want you to talk about things other than work. That’s where I draw the line. I refuse to become a more serious teacher at the detriment of my students’ enjoyment and therefore their progress. I also talk about our children although she hates it. But they are mine too and I have a right to talk about them. Of course I don’t talk about her… it would be “how dare you talk about me to other people?” But then sometimes, it’s “why don’t you ever talk about me?” Bpd is the living definition of “you can’t win”.

[kells76]

Bpd is the living definition of “you can’t win”.

Bp, that is an important insight.

When a loved one devalues you, does that really "make things better"? Do we have to agree with them in order to "keep the peace"? Does that work?

I think many on this board have had experiences where even if/when you give in... things don't get better.

So...

could that knowledge be freeing?

What would it be like to know that no matter how you engaged (or didn't) with the devaluation, they would still be responsible for their feelings?

What would it be like to have a personal, strong sense of self, that let the loved one self-soothe, while you took time for yourself to do what you valued?

What if declining to participate in the devaluation, was actually a more loving thing to do for your loved one, than trying to reason, agree, JADE, etc?

Lots of things to ponder.

[thankful person]

Absolutely Kells, that is totally what I’m learning here. Having spent the first few months of this year with my wife wanting me out of her life because of sending mum baby pics, I know that her reactions will be extreme. But I’m at peace with knowing that if she really wants me gone, then that’s what I would have to do. I’ve read about a broken home being able to give the children 100% stability during the time they are with me. It’s a lot to come to terms with and not what I want though.