im trying to break up but they wont accept it.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Over the last couple of months I have been trying to break up with my girlfriend after dating for a little over a year. WE were friends for about 3 years before we started dating. It escalated quickly and I felt very much in love and asked her to marry me. Within a couple of months after that I started to see some red flags (strange splitting type behavior that left me feeling unsettled). I was determined to make it work and gave everything I had until I realized I was not well. My anxiety was so high I had to take a family leave from work. During this time I had more time to work on the relationship and thats when I saw that we were not on the same page (or the same planet) and nothing I did could bring any relief. I tried to avoid breaking up because I knew it would destroy her. Other people tried to warn me not to break her heart. But it got to the place where my body was starting to shut down. i had to break up with her. It was as awful as I feared. And yet, she continues to say we are just taking time to do our own personal healing work and we will get back together. She has not honored my request to no longer text me and so I have stopped replying and it has helped some. She has started going to therapy and is in a DBT group (she wouldnt do that while we were together). But she still reaches out asking if we can talk because she wants to share what she is learning in her DBT classes. I know I cant trust my gut instincts because I am broken from a lifetime of emotional abuse from others. I read about how to break up with a borderline and most people said to be firm and protect yourself but one article said to be gentle and do it slowly. So I am confused. I have already broken up with her. Several times over the last couple of months. Because she always finds a way to sneak back in. I cant help but feel terribly guilty for no longer being a support for her. but i have to save myself. in response to her last message this is what i wrote but I have not sent it yet. DO you think it is too harsh? or is it good because it is so clear? any advice would be appreciated. I just want to do what is right.

"It sounds like you are finding valuable resources for your healing that you feel good about and that are helping you. My concern is that you are not accepting that we are broken up for good. But we are. We are not taking a break to do some personal healing work in order to reconsider reuniting later. I do not love you in that way anymore. I'm also not available to be a support person for you in a friendship way anymore. Im healing from codependency for my own well being, so that I can move on and live a happy healthy life. Not so that I can re-engage with you in a healthier way.  I don't want to re-engage with you in any way. I need a clean break from you. And no communication from you. (unless it is about something practical like the crypto money or the stuff thats here I would like to return to you). As long as you hold on to wanting something that no longer is, then you keep us both in a place where fully healing is more difficult.  I need you to fully release me."

[lissa]

Over the last couple of months I have been trying to break up with my girlfriend after dating for a little over a year. WE were friends for about 3 years before we started dating. It escalated quickly and I felt very much in love and asked her to marry me. Within a couple of months after that I started to see some red flags (strange splitting type behavior that left me feeling unsettled). I was determined to make it work and gave everything I had until I realized I was not well. My anxiety was so high I had to take a family leave from work. During this time I had more time to work on the relationship and thats when I saw that we were not on the same page (or the same planet) and nothing I did could bring any relief. I tried to avoid breaking up because I knew it would destroy her. Other people tried to warn me not to break her heart. But it got to the place where my body was starting to shut down. i had to break up with her. It was as awful as I feared. And yet, she continues to say we are just taking time to do our own personal healing work and we will get back together. She has not honored my request to no longer text me and so I have stopped replying and it has helped some. She has started going to therapy and is in a DBT group (she wouldnt do that while we were together). But she still reaches out asking if we can talk because she wants to share what she is learning in her DBT classes. I know I cant trust my gut instincts because I am broken from a lifetime of emotional abuse from others. I read about how to break up with a borderline and most people said to be firm and protect yourself but one article said to be gentle and do it slowly. So I am confused. I have already broken up with her. Several times over the last couple of months. Because she always finds a way to sneak back in. I cant help but feel terribly guilty for no longer being a support for her. but i have to save myself. in response to her last message this is what i wrote but I have not sent it yet. DO you think it is too harsh? or is it good because it is so clear? any advice would be appreciated. I just want to do what is right.

"It sounds like you are finding valuable resources for your healing that you feel good about and that are helping you. My concern is that you are not accepting that we are broken up for good. But we are. We are not taking a break to do some personal healing work in order to reconsider reuniting later. I do not love you in that way anymore. I'm also not available to be a support person for you in a friendship way anymore. Im healing from codependency for my own well being, so that I can move on and live a happy healthy life. Not so that I can re-engage with you in a healthier way.  I don't want to re-engage with you in any way. I need a clean break from you. And no communication from you. (unless it is about something practical like the crypto money or the stuff thats here I would like to return to you). As long as you hold on to wanting something that no longer is, then you keep us both in a place where fully healing is more difficult.  I need you to fully release me."

[Dad50]

Your letter seems perfectly reasonable. I tried breaking things off with mine so many times, but it only finally worked when she impulsively broke up with me and found a new guy in two days. You are doing well, and no contact is the way to go. I admire your strength.

[Cromwell]

It can only go on as much as you also hold onto these trivial bonds. Like crypto.

If its important reason to stay in contact so be it, but if its an excuse to not let go, then see it for being so. No more self illusions and facades.

Ive known folk walk away from relationships and left houses and huge sums of property. Others stay in contact for the 'collect your bag of clothes'

It's your call and if it's over for you. The advice is tell him, once, and stick to it.and move on.

[poppy2]

Hi lissa,

I think it's a really good letter. You say what you need to say. However, reading your post I also have the impression that your ex might see this as another form of connection somehow. What I mean is, the clean break comes from your side... if she is somehow convinced you both have a future together, there's probably nothing beyond this letter you can do to help her with that.

In case you're feeling guilty or bad about leaving, you could always mention to mutual friends that it's over for good, or somehow reassure yourself that she has a support network in place. These things aren't your responsibility by the way I am just trying to echo your wish not to cause damage. I also want to point out that if you've broken up several times and she hasn't believed it or respected it, maybe you need to find a way to set that boundary more firmly. Do you think the letter achieves it?