New to this paradigm

[UnderSiege]

I've been struggling with the behavior of my husband for years.  He was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago and takes medication for it.  However, when I've described his unpredictable and mean behavior to another group, they have told me that this is not typical ADHD behavior.  The "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book was recommended to me and after reading it, I feel like my husband displays a LOT of BPD behaviors.  Part of me is relieved because I've felt like I've been going slowly insane for the past 20 years.  But part of me is really afraid of his behavior ramping up as he ages.  He doesn't think there's anything abnormal about his outbursts.  He accuses me of all sorts of things and then gaslights me when I try to point out that he's perceiving things differently than I do.  It's exhausting. 

90% of the time, he is the marvelous, intelligent, caring man that I fell in love with.  About 10% of the time, he is a brooding, snarling mess that likes to blame everyone else for his mess/failures/inadequacies/etc.  He frequently will make life choices that he then regrets and then insinuates or flat out states that it's my fault that he didn't take the chance on "X" or do "X" when he should have.  He projects his insecurities onto me constantly.  I'm tired, folks.  Just tired.

Advice?

~~UnderSiege

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

UnderSiege, welcome. I'm glad you found us and reached out to share your story. We look forward to getting to know you.

It is incredibly draining to be in a relationship with pwBPD. Sometimes we're unknowingly contributing to the problem by the way we respond. Our goals here are to identify problematic behaviors and learn tools that work to shift the dynamic. It's not an easy fix, and it takes work and time, but many people here have had positive results.

What makes you think his behavior is getting worse with age? Can you give us some examples of things he does/says that really create issues for you? We are good at walking through scenarios and identifying ways to shift the dynamic.

You've been through a lot. My hope for you is that this is the start of a new chapter, with better outcomes. 

[UnderSiege]

@pursuingJoy,
Thanks for the response.  I learned a lot from just the initial reading I've been doing so far and particularly from this forum.  I think my husband is exhibiting increasingly more erratic behavior as he ages.  One of the things he has been doing more frequently in the past year or so is rewriting our history.  He will insist I said or did something that is not true and out of character for me.  Example:  He really wanted to apply for a position in another state.  I encouraged him to do so.  When we were looking at housing possibilities, I voiced concern about potential commuting times, but that we should continue looking into options.  Turns out that he bailed on putting in his application (he is very risk avoidant).  I was really disappointed because the job was fantastic for him, and is in a part of the country we really enjoy and have friends in.  For months after his decision to not apply, he blamed me for "deciding that a 45-minute commute was a show-stopper".  He blamed his unhappiness at his present job on me and accused me of not supporting him to apply for the new job.  In the past, he would have used the pronoun "We".  "We didn't do this thing" or "We made the wrong decision".  Now it's "You, spouse, are the reason I'm unhappy and have to put up with this crappy job".  The change is subtle but significant. 

That being said, I was finally able to get him to listen after I finally stopped tolerating his accusations, and (I hate to admit it) I got really mad at him and shouted him down.  I told him how much it hurt me that he didn't follow through with the application and how sad I am that we didn't get the opportunity to even check out the possibilities.  He finally listened and I provided him my observations about all the times he has applied for different jobs and how it appeared that he sabotaged himself so he didn't have to apply or take the job if it was offered.  I asked him if he thinks he is risk avoidant.  He finally admitted out loud that he is. 

There are other things too.  He gets upset more frequently than he used to.  He jumps to conclusions about our adult son and speaks harshly to him when it's not warranted.  He's becoming more dependent on me to make decisions.  Even simple decisions like what to eat for dinner can become a huge problem.  He'll want to eat, but everything I offer to cook is unacceptable.  He offers no information about what he is hungry for; just shoots down my suggestions, even when it's the food he typically enjoys.  He grumbles at my meal decisions but then eats with gusto.

If something happens once, it becomes "this happens all the time".  For example, if I am not interested in physical intimacy on one occasion, suddenly it's "you don't desire me!  You never want to get intimate!  You always shoot me down!".  He's gotten much more adamant about this sentiment lately even though we are intimate several times a week.

I'm concerned that as he ages, things will continue to get worse in terms of his memory/reality, his frustration, his self-esteem, and his ability to be the loving man he is more often than not.

I don't want to leave him.  There's still so much I love about him.  We laugh together and have fun together.  I just want to figure out how to get us to a place where I don't feel crazy all the time and he doesn't feel like he's on the verge of being abandoned.

[pursuingJoy]

We have an entire thread on a different board dedicated to the times BPD loved ones twisted reality and found a way to blame the outcome on us. My BPD MIL made the choice not to move in with us in 2014. By 2019, she had twisted the story and told me and my H that I'd never wanted her to move in. I recognize it as misplaced hurt, but boy can their accusations create damage in relationships.

How long have you seen this shift happening? Has it become more noticeable in the last months? years?

I love that you finally pushed back. I know for me, I believed I could be patient enough. I ended up getting smaller to make space, until one day I couldn't take it anymore. That stress fracture is actually a turning point for many relationships. You're going to be ok. It will take work and time, and you'll need to care for yourself along the way, but I have hope that things will improve. Your H is lucky to have a partner that is vested in the relationship.

Have you tried individual counseling and/or marriage counseling?