15 month update: Part 1

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

[It’s long, my apologies]  Part 1

Some people will tell you it gets better.  I’ll tell you for certain, “it gets….”

Overview,  I dated my uBPDex for just over a year, we knew each other about 2 months before that working a temp job.  About 3 weeks after we really started dating seriously she impulsively took a job in Nevada—typical BPD style.  She knew the person starting up an importing business and he wanted her and that was enough to drop everything including where she was living, me, her house, her family (she’s the youngest of 8), and friends.  She cried at the thought of leaving me behind.  I thought it was out of love, it was out of emotional instability.

I drove her and her cat cross-country and saw some sights along the way.  Mt. Rushmore, the Badlands (you know Deadwood territory), Wall Drug, some of Zion and Red Rocks.  It was a great trip and the best week of the entire relationship (one of top 10 of my life!).  Before I flew back she said she loved me and that she never says that.  I was feeling it too.  She said she told me that because she didn’t want to become “out of sight, out of mind”  (Hmmm).  But, that’s exactly what she did to me. (sidenote:  the relationship was rocky in its start, she told me early on she was a “Black and White” kind of girl—hmmm).

I wrote love letters regularly, called and texted, but rarely heard from her.  She always had an excuse ready and when she didn’t I made excuses for her.  I visited her once and we drove down to Laughlin, NV.  I had a moment with her in a motel swimming pool in 105 degree temps where I had never felt closer to another human being. She was beautiful, and seemed beautiful in just about every way.  After 3 months out West she had enough and came back. I built a big heart which I painted pink with her name on it and attached balloons in a welcome home in her front yard.  I was happy with her return.  Finally, we could get this relationship off the ground.  That didn’t happen.

The behaviors she had with withdrawing out west continued when she only was 15 miles away.  Three weeks back she had cancelled plans with me 5 times over the course of one week.  She finally agreed she’d show for dinner after she went to visit her friend briefly at happy hour.  Time went by and there was nothing.  Eventually she texted she was too high and drunk to come by so she was going to crash at her friend’s place.  I was livid!.  This is what she would do consistently, ultimately leading to the final break-up.  Self-sabotage was her speciality.

Afterwards, I asked if we should take a break, because she didn’t seem really interested in a real relationship.  She immediately pulled me back in, made excuses, said strange things that I posted on Sappho’s comical moments thread.  She could always do this to me in person.  Trap me in my own words, turn it onto me as the problem.  It was always all my misunderstanding and she was just fine but circumstance X got in the way or person Y needed her, etc…

The relationship went on like this until I pretty much gave up trying have any outcomes work in my favor.  It was a constant series of devaluing and denigrating statements and actions, some subtle and some not so much.  She’d withdraw and create anxiety as if I did something wrong.   She liked being in control, and wanted me to have none, even of myself.  She’d cry one moment and be happy the next.  You know the story.

July 30, 2020 I had enough, it was just too harmful and toxic to my sense of self and well-being.  Other than to exchange items it’s been No Contact since that time.  I did write a letter in October of last year, because I didn’t know she had BPD, asking for an explanation.  No response.  For all the times she said she ‘loved me’ and ‘needed me’, when she was done, she was done.  Forced my hand to be the “breaker” but never once tried to reconcile or h00ver me back.  This only left me feeling more confused about the whole situation.

Five months after that, I looked up BPD on a whim because I remembered encountering problem people when I worked as a community organizer and the term was used.  I was still constantly thinking about her.    Maybe 25%-50% of my thoughts were of her.  I read about the condition and Bingo! It was a textbook case.  That helped allay my thoughts for a bit, but 7 months after that I still was hung up on her and thinking about her a good part of each day.  I found this site in my search to cope with the break-up.

Since then my healing has moved forward much faster than the previous year.  I now see that I projected my hopes and dreams onto her which she allowed.  She, in turn, projected her shame and guilt and lack of self-esteem onto me and unfortunately I let some of that stick.  It was the disordered thinking part which made my mind get stuck in loops that have no answer.  There is no sane outcome to address pure insanity.  No logic to combat the illogic.

I think what helped the most is talking with people here who had the same experiences.  The closer the experiences to mine, the better the help and my understanding of what went wrong.  Not so much with the relationship, but my thinking about it.  I learned about NPD too, and that likely was a comorbidity with the BPD.  Now I don’t think of her as much, other than to post on this forum. 

[Ad Meliora]

[It’s long, my apologies]  Part 1

Some people will tell you it gets better.  I’ll tell you for certain, “it gets….”

Overview,  I dated my uBPDex for just over a year, we knew each other about 2 months before that working a temp job.  About 3 weeks after we really started dating seriously she impulsively took a job in Nevada—typical BPD style.  She knew the person starting up an importing business and he wanted her and that was enough to drop everything including where she was living, me, her house, her family (she’s the youngest of 8), and friends.  She cried at the thought of leaving me behind.  I thought it was out of love, it was out of emotional instability.

I drove her and her cat cross-country and saw some sights along the way.  Mt. Rushmore, the Badlands (you know Deadwood territory), Wall Drug, some of Zion and Red Rocks.  It was a great trip and the best week of the entire relationship (one of top 10 of my life!).  Before I flew back she said she loved me and that she never says that.  I was feeling it too.  She said she told me that because she didn’t want to become “out of sight, out of mind”  (Hmmm).  But, that’s exactly what she did to me. (sidenote:  the relationship was rocky in its start, she told me early on she was a “Black and White” kind of girl—hmmm).

I wrote love letters regularly, called and texted, but rarely heard from her.  She always had an excuse ready and when she didn’t I made excuses for her.  I visited her once and we drove down to Laughlin, NV.  I had a moment with her in a motel swimming pool in 105 degree temps where I had never felt closer to another human being. She was beautiful, and seemed beautiful in just about every way.  After 3 months out West she had enough and came back. I built a big heart which I painted pink with her name on it and attached balloons in a welcome home in her front yard.  I was happy with her return.  Finally, we could get this relationship off the ground.  That didn’t happen.

The behaviors she had with withdrawing out west continued when she only was 15 miles away.  Three weeks back she had cancelled plans with me 5 times over the course of one week.  She finally agreed she’d show for dinner after she went to visit her friend briefly at happy hour.  Time went by and there was nothing.  Eventually she texted she was too high and drunk to come by so she was going to crash at her friend’s place.  I was livid!.  This is what she would do consistently, ultimately leading to the final break-up.  Self-sabotage was her speciality.

Afterwards, I asked if we should take a break, because she didn’t seem really interested in a real relationship.  She immediately pulled me back in, made excuses, said strange things that I posted on Sappho’s comical moments thread.  She could always do this to me in person.  Trap me in my own words, turn it onto me as the problem.  It was always all my misunderstanding and she was just fine but circumstance X got in the way or person Y needed her, etc…

The relationship went on like this until I pretty much gave up trying have any outcomes work in my favor.  It was a constant series of devaluing and denigrating statements and actions, some subtle and some not so much.  She’d withdraw and create anxiety as if I did something wrong.   She liked being in control, and wanted me to have none, even of myself.  She’d cry one moment and be happy the next.  You know the story.

July 30, 2020 I had enough, it was just too harmful and toxic to my sense of self and well-being.  Other than to exchange items it’s been No Contact since that time.  I did write a letter in October of last year, because I didn’t know she had BPD, asking for an explanation.  No response.  For all the times she said she ‘loved me’ and ‘needed me’, when she was done, she was done.  Forced my hand to be the “breaker” but never once tried to reconcile or h00ver me back.  This only left me feeling more confused about the whole situation.

Five months after that, I looked up BPD on a whim because I remembered encountering problem people when I worked as a community organizer and the term was used.  I was still constantly thinking about her.    Maybe 25%-50% of my thoughts were of her.  I read about the condition and Bingo! It was a textbook case.  That helped allay my thoughts for a bit, but 7 months after that I still was hung up on her and thinking about her a good part of each day.  I found this site in my search to cope with the break-up.

Since then my healing has moved forward much faster than the previous year.  I now see that I projected my hopes and dreams onto her which she allowed.  She, in turn, projected her shame and guilt and lack of self-esteem onto me and unfortunately I let some of that stick.  It was the disordered thinking part which made my mind get stuck in loops that have no answer.  There is no sane outcome to address pure insanity.  No logic to combat the illogic.

I think what helped the most is talking with people here who had the same experiences.  The closer the experiences to mine, the better the help and my understanding of what went wrong.  Not so much with the relationship, but my thinking about it.  I learned about NPD too, and that likely was a comorbidity with the BPD.  Now I don’t think of her as much, other than to post on this forum. 

[grumpydonut]

she told me that because she didn’t want to become “out of sight, out of mind”

 

she told me early on she was a “Black and White” kind of girl

 

She’d cry one moment and be happy the next

 

Sounds like my type of gal! The great thing, Ad, is you'll never fail to see those red flags in a person ever again.

[poppy2]

Hi Ad,

Thanks a lot for sharing your story. I think it can be very cathartic to write it out, as you remember it and as you want to remember it... and you know that we are here to read it and share your story. 

I actually did this too, but in the "third person".. because it was recommended in the book "The Betrayal Bond" to write out your experiences in the third person, in order to get some perspective on them and relate to them emotionally. I didn't end up sharing that on the boards but I did share it with my counsellor and it helped.

Can I ask you something, because you mentioned in another thread that you were in a 15 yr relationship and you both saw the ending coming a mile off... was it the abruptness of this one that keeps you thinking about it? or the fact that you found her so beautiful? what exactly, do you think, is it that made this situation so hard for you personally (I ask it this way because I think there are many explanations, such as push/pull behaviours, broken promises, or reality testing/upheaval that can make these relationships so hard to get over)... but I'm curious, if you want to, what you would say in your own words?

The road trips sound terrific!
best wishes
poppy

[Ad Meliora]

Hi Poppy.  You know my story better than most and it seems like others benefit from knowing the background for an update, so that's my attempt to be brief and impartial.  It was hard to be successful at either!  If I wrote out all that happened in  those 365 days it would be 200 pages at least.  If people want more of the glimpse of misery I went through they can read my past posts.

I point out here that she repeatedly let me know she wasn't relationship material and wasn't going to make a good partner. I ignored it all.  She even told me fairly early on it wasn't going to work out.  I can see that in many other people's posts as well.  Obviously, I didn't heed those warnings and kept plowing forward.

She was a child in a woman's body and I didn't want to date a child.  It took a long time to figure out what was going on, but again, the signs ()were there all along.

[ILMBPDC]

Since then my healing has moved forward much faster than the previous year.  I now see that I projected my hopes and dreams onto her which she allowed.  She, in turn, projected her shame and guilt and lack of self-esteem onto me and unfortunately I let some of that stick.  It was the disordered thinking part which made my mind get stuck in loops that have no answer.  There is no sane outcome to address pure insanity.  No logic to combat the illogic.

I feel like this is similar to my experience - he stirred up my hopes and dreams with his love bombing, allowing me to actually have hope for the first time in a long time and he definitely didn't discourage it an any way, in fact he was the one who seemed all gung-ho about our future together.
I hadn't thought about him projecting his self esteem issues onto me - I already had bad self esteem but as I think about it now, it was definitely worse around him. I am very empathetic and I feel like I absorbed a lot of his internal chaos, which I am still working on purging fully.

I think what helped the most is talking with people here who had the same experiences.  The closer the experiences to mine, the better the help and my understanding of what went wrong.  Not so much with the relationship, but my thinking about it.  I learned about NPD too, and that likely was a comorbidity with the BPD.  Now I don’t think of her as much, other than to post on this forum. 

I agree wholeheartedly - having people who understand is a huge thing - I've tried to talk about it with others and they just font get it. Or I have to literally go through the diagnostic of BPD and explain why its so traumatizing first, whcih is exhausting in itself.  This forum has been a lifesaver for me.   And I also learned more about NPD!  Not only does my ex have some comorbidity, I started researching more about NPD and lo and behold, I am positive that that my mother would fit under the label of "covert narcissist" and I display almost every symptom of a child that was raised by a narcissist. And my father was an emotionally unavailable alcoholic - is it any wonder I end up with broken men?    Seriously though, this board has put me on a path to healing that I would have never known I needed.

[brighter future]

I point out here that she repeatedly let me know she wasn't relationship material and wasn't going to make a good partner. I ignored it all.  She even told me fairly early on it wasn't going to work out.  I can see that in many other people's posts as well.  Obviously, I didn't heed those warnings and kept plowing forward.

Thanks for sharing your story, Ad. I still need to read part 2, though.

Much of what you described hit pretty close to home for me. There were lots of red flags in the beginning and throughout my relationship with my ex-g/f. She even went as far as to warn me several times about herself like your ex did, but I failed to listen. I always thought I could pull her out of her problems and become her savior.  Probably the biggest sign came 5-6 months into our relationship. She said, "I'm terrified that one day, I am just going to completely shut down on you and leave you. If that happens, you'll probably never be able to bring me back. I don't want to do that." She wasn't kidding because it did happen out of the blue about 15 months later. Right after the breakup, she told me she had nothing left to say to me. Of course, she's come back a handful of times as I told you before in subtle ways to casually feel me out. I just haven't taken the bait. Over the last year and a half, I have learned a lot about myself and why I've gotten into these types of relationships. Most importantly, I've learned how to break the cycle.

Hang in there.  

[poppy2]

Hi Poppy.  You know my story better than most and it seems like others benefit from knowing the background for an update, so that's my attempt to be brief and impartial.  It was hard to be successful at either!  If I wrote out all that happened in  those 365 days it would be 200 pages at least.  If people want more of the glimpse of misery I went through they can read my past posts.

You know, when I read this I actually thought "bring it on" (I mean, the 200 page expose). Why not? I feel we have a good community going here, so if you ever want to make a longer update, I'll read it. But if you feel it's contained in your past posts and you've got it out, then that's fine.

I point out here that she repeatedly let me know she wasn't relationship material and wasn't going to make a good partner. I ignored it all.  She even told me fairly early on it wasn't going to work out.  I can see that in many other people's posts as well.  Obviously, I didn't heed those warnings and kept plowing forward.

I ignored some of these two. But I want to cut myself some slack, because on the other hand, there were many signs of deep emotional commitment (to me). Also, hindsight is 20/20. Who knew they had Etch-a-sketch memories (not me!)? Doubts within relationships are normal, and can be dealt with, sifted through, waited out... I think those expectations weren't necessarily wrong to bring, just wrong to bring to a r/s with someone with BPD. That's my two cents.

[ILMBPDC]

I'm starting to wonder just how many of us ignored that particular red flag - the one where our ex warned us they weren't good to date. In my case, my ex literally said "it will end badly" and I didn't listen - and this was at the beginning when we were just talking. It actually made me steel my resolve to make it work ("this time it will be different" lmao). I look back and wonder what the heck I was thinking - I need to learn to take what people tell me at face value, instead of assuming I am some sort of relationship wizard.

[once removed]

would you consider this to have been a long distance relationship?

[Ad Meliora]

I'm starting to wonder just how many of us ignored that particular red flag - the one where our ex warned us they weren't good to date. In my case, my ex literally said "it will end badly" and I didn't listen - and this was at the beginning when we were just talking. It actually made me steel my resolve to make it work ("this time it will be different" lmao).

Yes, This ILM.  It just made me work harder, which in turn made it end "badder"? 

You know, when I read this I actually thought "bring it on" (I mean, the 200 page expose). Why not? I feel we have a good community going here, so if you ever want to make a longer update, I'll read it. But if you feel it's contained in your past posts and you've got it out, then that's fine.--Poppy

I'm sure you're right Poppy, but I'm thinking it's good for now.  Maybe a "book to myself" someday.  We'll see.  It was so complex, the r/s.  As you said in the "edges" thread there was just the constant devaluing and second guessing type statements and the put-downs and the general lack of being impressed with anything I did.  It's hard to briefly summarize all of that without going through the examples.  I didn't even realize it at the time, I just tried to work through it all as I was so in love with her.

would you consider this to have been a long distance relationship?--Once

A part of the r/s clearly was.  It just made the whole thing more confusing and complex. I wish she wouldn't had said she loved me before I left.  I wished she would've blown me off then, but to be honest I had already fallen for her--and hard.  So I'm not sure if that would've worked.  I should read more on the Push-Pull effect.  It felt like I was always being pushed away and when I was ready to quit, maybe the very last minute, it seemed my BPDex knew it.  She knew it from 700 miles away without me talking, texting, or other words.  She'd get on the phone and Pull me right back in.  This kept the addiction going.

I thought the 3 months of us living apart was to blame for her strange behaviors.  Nope, it was her condition.  None of it resolved when she was back close by.  I dated her for a year, but honestly I'd have to think if we really saw each other more than 52 times over that period in person (Average 1/week).  So I'm not sure what you call that. (?)