Allowing them to sulk

[thankful person]

I have been learning so much on here recently about how to handle my wife and her bpd behaviours.
Today has been a bad day for her, but for me, has gone really well. My wife is generally very worried that we’re not going to get the house we’re buying as she’s getting impatient with the process. Meanwhile I am pushing the boundaries of our relationship where there are many “rules”, some spoken: “I don’t want you to play the piano” and some unspoken: “I don’t want you to speak to your mother, either when you’re with me or when you’re not with me.”
So today, I decided to video call my parents. This is an even stricter unspoken rule. Especially as she has stopped video calling her parents which I think was to make me not call mine (she stopped when I announced that I would be sending baby photos to them against her wishes)..
Unfortunately mum didn’t pick up the phone. But it was enough to put my wife in a bad mood for the whole day and say these usual accusations: “I don’t feel close to you, I don’t feel loved, we don’t feel like a couple…”
Only now I am realising how much of the problem I was! She often said to me, “you never just let me feel how I’m feeling” and “you always want to start arguments…” I have had much encouragement on here recently, to just go ahead and do things for my own happiness and well-being, and let her learn to deal with the consequences. When I asked, “how can I do x without upsetting wife?” several of you have said to me, “you get on with your thing, it’s her job to deal with her feelings…”
Then today I read a post where somebody said their daughter “still has the same bpd feelings but through therapy has learnt to better deal with them”. And it clicked for me. My wife did part of the dbt course years ago. When she says, “let me feel what I’m feeling”, the worst I could do would be to go on about wanting to know “what’s the problem? Am I the problem? Can I do anything to solve the problem?” And even worse, “this is because I called my parents isn’t it? Do you know how ridiculous that is that you have to be moody with me all day about it? Blah blah blah…””
I managed to just let her have her feelings today. It didn’t even bother me or upset me. I was proud of myself for announcing the video call even though it didn’t happen. I even dare to hope that the more I let her “have her feelings” she may even get better at dealing with them. So yes, I know we feel it’s frustrating and unfair that we have to deal with our partners sulking all day over things we find trivial. You just feel like saying, “can you just get over it, or at least pretend you’re over it!” I’ve always wished I could just let it go when she’s like that. And today I finally managed it.

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[CParent]

Great job Broken Person! This is something I’ve struggled with too. The trauma in my childhood created an intense need in me to make sure my loved ones aren’t upset or in pain, and I usually tried to “fix” things. But you can’t fix a person, and even trying to is disrespectful, as my therapist tells  me. We have to let them go on their own journey. Trying to keep them from feeling pain doesn’t help them learn how to deal, as I’ve learned it’s essentially enabling.

But it is so hard. So hard to not take it personally, to not feel hurt when they get angry with you. Hard not to try to do whatever you can to stop the cycle and just keep the peace. You should be proud of yourself for doing something important to you, being honest, and letting her deal with her emotions.

[GaGrl]

The inability to self-soothe is very much an aspect of BPD.

You can't feel her emotions for her. It's part of her learning to self-soothe that you let her alone to feel what she feels. I know that's difficult, but you're doing a good job.

[Notwendy]

Yes, it is hard when they are upset.

Consider that both the person with BPD and their partner "match" in some ways ( it takes two to have dysfunction)

One of them is with emotional regulation. They have difficulty managing their emotions and the partner tends to manage them for them.

The partner also manages their own emotional discomfort when they are upset by managing their emotions instead of their own.

When she sulks, it upsets you. Your usual response is to soothe her ( by giving in) and then you feel better.

This hinders her ability to learn to self soothe.

Letting her sulk allows her to learn to manage. To do this, you have to also be able to tolerate your own feelings. It's win win in a way but hard to get through it.

[babyducks]

The partner also manages their own emotional discomfort when they are upset by managing their emotions instead of their own.

When she sulks, it upsets you. Your usual response is to soothe her ( by giving in) and then you feel better.

Good point here.    Let me see if I can pick up the idea behind it.    Your wife is upset and sulking.    This bothers Broken Person.     Okay so what does Broken Person do with her own upset?   

Your upset is your own to deal with.   you have choices and options.    if you don't want to go immediately home after your cleaning job - then don't go home.    go to the park.    go to the lake.      go to a museum and take a walk through.    you can and should put boundaries around how much of your wife's sulking you work with and around.    you can find other ways to feel better yourself than by trying to soothe her.

[Cat Familiar]

Think about this behavioral pattern from an operant conditioning perspective.

She sulks.

You jump in and try to fix things.

In essence you are rewarding her for *bad* behavior. So is she likely to do it more?

You bet!

Another way of responding.

She sulks.

You do something enjoyable for yourself.

Over time, she learns self soothing behaviors because she’s no longer getting the comforting response from you. It may take a while, but through repetition, it will occur.


Changing these patterns is difficult, but worthwhile. Temporarily it could make things worse, but with time and consistency, it will be so much better.

 

[thankful person]

Thank you all, it’s been a hard couple of days. I think because I didn’t respond the usual way her bad mood is going on longer than usual. But then we are also both stressed about the house move. I will press on, keep reading and learning. I know I have to be firm but also feel I need to slow down a bit especially with all that’s going on.