Reading Stop Walking on Eggshells has given me hope

[Riversinger27]

Hello, I have unknowingly been enabling my husbands BPD for years.  Covid has been especially hard on him, his place of employment went out of business and his alcohol consumption has increased to the point where life with him has become unbearable.  He has become increasingly verbally abusive and controlling, so bad i couldn't take it anymore and left.  I've been away for almost two weeks now.  It took him five days to stop being angry and nasty to get where we are now; begging me to come home but at the same time blaming me for everything that is going on in his life because i am not there to handle it for him.
The first week i left I stayed with friends and they were the ones who told me his behavior sounded like BPD and that i should look into it.  To say this book has been enlightening is an understatement; he could be a case study.  He scored a 19 on the quiz.
I am honestly not done with the book--i bought it yesterday and i'm into part 2.  When i saw there was an online support group I stopped reading and immediately signed on. 
I have agreed to return home in a few days, on the condition that he stop drinking completely.  He promises he will. 
Any advice for someone who--less than a week ago-- didn't realize that I was living with someone with BPD?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bugwaterguy]

Keep reading the book.  It will help tremendously. 

I would also read the Stop Walking On Eggshells Workbook (I think it is even better than the original)  It has more tangible exercises.

You might want to read it with a highlighter - (although you might end up with almost the entire book highlighted!).   I kept a googledoc as a read it with lots of notes and thoughts.  (I like that better than a paper notebook - because I can search it quickly for key words)

[Riversinger27]

Thank you, i will definitely purchase the workbook.
I'm mentally preparing myself for my return home.  His past behavior has me at a point that i am easily triggered because he knows very well how to push my buttons.  As i continue reading i've been taking notes--in an effort to have something akin to affirmations that i can quickly refer to when needed.  He is remarkably manipulative in making me believe that our arguments are the result of my bad behavior, sometimes i'm almost convinced he is right.
Leaving last Sunday was honestly one of the hardest things I've ever done--but i'm glad I did because i found out about BPD and now with the help of this group and the books I'm reading I hopefully have the tools i need to gain an understanding into how his mind works.

[thankful person]

Hi river singer and welcome,
Another brilliant book I was recommended to on her is “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”. I found it so eye-opening. I think eggshells partly went over my head the first time I read it so I’m currently reading it again (listening to the audio book in my car). For some reason I didn’t quite get that you just have to do what you want to do and then it’s about learning how to respond to (and prepare for) your partner’s crazy reactions to it. My wife was diagnosed bpd before we met but I only found this community this year. It is making a tremendous difference to our relationship, so there is hope. My attitude has changed. I find it hard to remember all the do’s and dont’s but she is responding to me better anyway. And the best part is the bpd’s don’t need to be on board with any plan to improve the relationship. You can do so much on your own. I wish you all the best.

[Riversinger27]

Thank you!  i will look for that book and I appreciate your insight as well