Lovely or manipulative?

[johnsang]

Yesterday, my husband with undiagnosed BPD had an "up" day (that's what I call them) where he was triggered all day.  The result was lots of criticism coming my way, large, strong exasperations throughout the day, a planned family meeting with our 15 year old son that started without me, and then when I asked if I could join - was firmly told no - so left the house to run some errands, and literally 2 minutes later got a phone call asking why I left the house.  He also decided not to attend a planned dinner celebration with our daughter and her soccer team, but told me at the end of the game when I asked "meet you at the restaurant" and I received a "no".  Literally.  A one worded answer.  So, basically a day of anger directed at me, resulting in me feeling hurt and angry and sorry for myself.

I'm training for a marathon - today was my last long run - and then I had plans with girlfriends for a brunch afterwards.  When I arrived home, he had bought roses, bath bombs, bubble bath all for me.  He was making bread from scratch and had planned dinner and made it.  There was no apology.  There was no discussion of the day yesterday.  There was this.

Is this lovely, or is this manipulative?

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[Methuen]

I’m usually on the psi board.

My ubpd mother used to always show up at the door with either her homemade white buns or cookies.  My H always referred to this as her “peace offering”.  

Growing up, my father used the same expression.

I think it comes across to us as feeling manipulative because their behavior never changes.  They don’t reflect on what went wrong, they don’t learn or grow or take any accountability for their actions.  

And it’s not like we really have a choice of whether or not to accept the peace offerings.

[Cat Familiar]

Another member refers to her experience comparing it to a dry erase board. They’ve put the episode behind them, so you should too—seems to be what they’re thinking.

Doesn’t work that way for those of us who are *nons*. We need to process the impact of our BPD partner’s behavior. Unfortunately it seems necessary to do this on our own, here, or in therapy because if we bring up *the past* it’s likely to re-trigger them.

PwBPD do not have a well developed sense of accountability.

[lenfan]

It is finally starting to dawn on me that these kinds of things are at least  subconsciously manipulative. I always get the feeling there is some kind of scorecard or tally being kept too.  But, a cookie or bubble bath is better then no cookie or bubble bath, whatever the motivation. Enjoy what little pleasures you can.

[johnsang]

Thank you for validating what I felt.  I never asked for the bubble bath and roses - I would much rather not have these things and not have episodes of being criticized and emotionally bantered.  It DOES feels like he uses this as a scorecard- how can I leave him/reject him now when he did such a nice thing for me the next day?  And yes to the dry erase board - that episode is now done and dusted - what's the problem?

And yet... I'm glad he feels the need to make amends in this way.  That he can at least have insight into the fact that his behavior was hurtful the day before and needed some reconciliation on the other side?

When we did discuss this yesterday, he asked me a question that I also am looking for insights into - he asked me if I think it is ok for me to leave the house(like I did this past weekend when I wasn't included in the family meeting) just because I'm hurt.  Typing this now it feels ridiculous to even ask - of course it is ok - but he counters that me leaving the house is just as triggering for him as him criticizing etc me. Thoughts?

[Methuen]

Hmm.  Also if this cycle ( his up days and triggered moods/behaviors followed by flowers and bath bombs) becomes a pattern, it’s definitely not lovely.  

Lovely is when it happens when things are going well.  Just because he wants to.  For no specific reason.   If you are asking yourself if it’s manipulative, that’s possibly that little voice at the back of your head warning you.

he asked me if I think it is ok for me to leave the house(like I did this past weekend when I wasn't included in the family meeting) just because I'm hurt.

  oh wow.  This sounds  controlling. Did it feel controlling?  What felt “off” about that comment to you?   In a healthy relationship one partner does not tell another when its ok or not ok to leave the house.  That would be an imbalance of power and/or control.  

In fact, if one person is hurting,  taking a “time out” for oneself is a smart thing to do.  It gives emotions time to calm down, so the rational mind can take over again.  

Was the family meeting one you think you should have been included in?

If your leaving the house is triggering for him, than that sounds like a project for him to deal with.  Does he have some “work “ to do there?  Your movement and freedom can not be restricted because of his triggered feelings.  That is a  .   You are not responsible for the things in his past that have resulted in him having triggers in the first place.  You have the right to come and go from your own house when you want and need to. 

[johnsang]

If your leaving the house is triggering for him, than that sounds like a project for him to deal with.  Does he have some “work “ to do there?  Your movement and freedom can not be restricted because of his triggered feelings.  That is a  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post).   You are not responsible for the things in his past that have resulted in him having triggers in the first place.  You have the right to come and go from your own house when you want and need to.

Thank you.  I have lost perspective on what is "normal" and "healthy" and what isn't.  I really needed to see this in writing. 

He says to me "wow, dealing with me is such a burden"

I had a dream last night that he was kissing me, but I didn't want him to, but because he was kissing me, I couldn't speak but he didn't stop.  In my dream, he knew that I wanted to stop, but he still didn't.  I do think I'm trying to process my lack of power and voice.  Lots to think about.