My ex wanted to keep me on the payroll, so to speak

[Ad Meliora]

Said by someone who stated several times, "I don't like to be controlled!" She was really talking about how she viewed the marriage of her parents.

She was frustrated by me also not being who she thought I would/could be for her. Substitute "him" for "her" for the ladies here.  

Yes,  I got a series of mixed messages like you pointed out, ultimately with your quote above dominating the dialogue.  She would talk about how she wanted her yard landscaped in back.  I would say okay, draw up various plans on how that could be achieved, but she never would really show interest in moving forward.  Her sister would come over for dinner, we'd be grilling in the backyard, and my BPDex would tell her sister all the things to be done, and how I was going to do them, and she wasn't sure why they weren't done yet.

I wouldn't have minded all the roles I listed initially, necessarily, if I felt they were appreciated and they contributed to a healthy r/s bond.  One moving forward with a future.

After reading the lonely child schema, the part about battling the parents makes sense.  At the time, there was no way to assess that, or understand it.  I think your last sentence resonates with me too, again it is easier to see in hindsight.  At the time I was dealing with all kinds of childish behaviors and tantrums.  I clearly wasn't the version of me she wanted me to be, and vise versa:  Kaboom!

She had a magnetic pull, as I think you mentioned before, so that kept it going.  She was out of state for 3 months, early on.  If we would've spent our whole 52 times together, lets say, over the course of 3 months it would've imploded much sooner.  It dragged out.  She didn't want to be lonely, and liked having a "boyfriend" excuse for her impulsive behaviors.  I wanted to understand this beautiful woman who was so full of life and seemed like so much fun.

[IntoTheWind]

Mine wanted me on the payroll too. She wanted all the benefits of the relationship at the end with 0 commitment and punished me for trying to move on from the hell of it. The last message I sent to her before she blocked me was "Please don't block, I need you more than you know as a friend" 

[jaded7]

@Reply 25.

My ex often told me this. That sometimes I needed to tell her to "knock it off," as if I were a parent. She told me that her younger brother, a teenager over a decade her junior, was good at this.

And... "sometimes I feel like I'm The Man in our relationship." I wanted to quip, "you mean an overbearing, controlling  ? The kind of man you say you don't like due to your cheating and abusive father?"

Yet I didn't say that. Maybe I should have to get to the root emotions of how she really felt. I'll admit I was often milquetoast in order to keep peace, but that's how I was trained given my mother.

It's a good match at first... until it isn't, and dysfunction on both sides is results in a dynamic that isn't easily fixed.

I had very similar thoughts in my relationship. I felt like she acted like the very kind of man she despised. She complained bitterly about her ex-husband, who she said was a NPD and abusive, controlling. She was very, very opinionated about 'men's' behavior, had a deep conviction that men didn't respect women, and told me repeatedly she would never have a man who didn't respect women around her son. I passed that test, at least.

Bu SHE was controlling, angry, had outbursts of name calling and belittling, mocked me, my interests, my business, mocked and actually mimicked my voice (repeating what I said in an exaggerated voice- said I HATE the voice of yours!) when I was trying to defend myself from her attacks. She ghosted, evaded questions, etc. etc.

She was very much the embodiment of the things she said she hated about men. I was the very opposite of the things she said she hated about men.

Confusing! And sometimes, when I'd had enough, I'd speak sternly from a place of, not anger, but self-love and acceptance. But why should a person have to constantly defend oneself in order to earn respect?

It's a bad, toxic, dynamic. One that I could not understand. Couldn't square with her desire for a man who respected women, and her distaste for toxic masculinity.

[jaded7]

Mine wanted me on the payroll too. She wanted all the benefits of the relationship at the end with 0 commitment and punished me for trying to move on from the hell of it. The last message I sent to her before she blocked me was "Please don't block, I need you more than you know as a friend" 

I noticed this very clearly in the last 6 months of our relationship. She would ignore my texts and calls, for days sometimes. But call me at the last minute, literally, to join her for an event (one that I know has been planned for 5 months). Or she ignore me for days, then call and want to talk for more than an hour about what a jerk her ex-husband was, complete with forwarded texts and emails I was supposed to read.

The next day, I text to take her out to lunch to her favorite place- no response. I then call thinking she didn't get the text- no answer, no return call or text. Simply nothing.

She texts one morning at 11:15 to come build her son's new basketball hoop, I show up at noon and spend 4 hours in the cold building it. I don't hear from her for two days. Thanksgiving is that Thursday and no mention of any plans or asking me what I'm doing (we spent the previous Thanksgiving together at her parents) while I'm building the basketball hoop. Nothing.

She was sick and I was trying to find out what she wanted/needed because I really wanted to take care of her, incommunicado. I sent her flowers (her favorite kind because I didn't know what to do- stopping uninvited to her house was a no, no), she didn't acknowledge receipt of the flowers for 36 hours- no communication at all.

I felt like I was always there for her when she needed me, and she tapped into what I could offer with no hesitation, but never responded to me.

[IntoTheWind]

I noticed this very clearly in the last 6 months of our relationship. She would ignore my texts and calls, for days sometimes. But call me at the last minute, literally, to join her for an event.

This started happening with me too at the end. I remember being notified about an hour before that she wanted me to come. I washed and ironed a suit and drove her to a baseball game where she was hosting a suite for clients. On the way there she called my car ugly and said she felt like showing her vagina to a man in the street "because we're single and I can".

The whole first half of the game she was being a complete arsehole and then the second half we were making out. Then her boss said to me "you don't box with that face do you?" to me, to which she got jealous and spent a few minutes saying I'm not hot and other devaluing comments. Then she disappeared to the bathroom, came back looking crazy and said "you need to be nicer to me". She was doing all sorts of absurd things; like she asked me what I'd like to drink, I said anything from the fridge, just not water please; and she came back with sparkling water  . Then she was hugging me and saying she had "feels".

Definitely not the wackiest I ever saw her but it was definitely top 5 moment.

Something about being in these surreal situations was so intoxicating, the mistake was thinking that I was special because she was able to be completely insane around me.

[Ad Meliora]

I noticed this very clearly in the last 6 months of our relationship. She would ignore my texts and calls, for days sometimes. But call me at the last minute, literally, to join her for an event (one that I know has been planned for 5 months).

Ditto Jaded.

This started happening with me too at the end. I remember being notified about an hour before that she wanted me to come. I washed and ironed a suit and drove her to a baseball game where she was hosting a suite for clients. On the way there she called my car ugly and said she felt like showing her vagina to a man in the street "because we're single and I can". --Into the wind

OMG!  Maybe I'm going out on a limb here, but I think your ex may have a slight touch of a personality disorder...wow!   

[IntoTheWind]

OMG!  Maybe I'm going out on a limb here, but I think your ex may have a slight touch of a personality disorder...wow!  

I forgot another doozy from that baseball game, she was also taking selfies of herself with her fingers up and trying to send them to a friend of mine that was telling me not to get back with her (after taking and looking through my texts). She called her a C word and said if she saw her she'd punch her in the head. I forgot about this, I remember thinking "wow she really loves me" at the time LOOL.