Did the relationship change you?

[IntoTheWind]

I've changed for better or for worse since I was with my ex, like 5 months ago now.

I'm curious if this has happened with others too?

I'm more confident than I've ever been in my life. I feel invulnerable to new emotional pain and stress, it's like I've taken a vaccine against pain. I've struggled every day from old pain, but new things don't bother me; things that stressed me out, such as major outages at work don't phase me, moving apartment, moving country. I was at the dentist the other day and had to get injected several times because the anesthetic wasn't working, I cynically thought "nothing can hurt me like a bpd ex" and shrugged it off. I guess it's a silver lining  .

I've dated a few women, but rather than hoping that they like me, I see myself as the prize. My tolerance for certain behaviors is way lower and I don't take things personally anymore, I just switch off and move onto whatever I think is important. I don't feel like I need anyone else, especially not a romantic partner; however I enjoy the idea that I could if I wanted to. I don't want the mundanity of a normal relationship; that seems boring now. And I certainly don't want the extremity of what I had before either. I feel like I've seen it all. I'm ok being alone, I just happen to be carrying a big rucksack full of emotional baggage that I look at every day.

I don't know if this is temporary, or if I've changed forever, but it's certainly not the way I was before. I used to be all about finding a wife, being the breadwinner for a house, the dog, the picket fence and the kids. The naïve idea of love I had died just like the magic of Christmas did when I found out Santa wasn't real. Now I cherish my own space and my freedom and really don't want to share it. There's downsides to this, cooking for 1 isn't great, neither is watching Netflix alone but overall I feel the independence is net positive and I'm so relieved to not be constantly thinking about someone else's needs.

[ILMBPDC]

God I hope so 
Seriously though, I feel like I am recognizing my own issues and I am definitely working on them. I am tired of attracting people like my BPD ex and am on a mission to change that aspect of me (what is it about me that attracts these guys? And why am I attracted to them?). I'm getting there.

[Ad Meliora]

The naïve idea of love I had died just like the magic of Christmas did when I found out Santa wasn't real. Now I cherish my own space and my freedom and really don't want to share it. There's downsides to this, cooking for 1 isn't great, neither is watching Netflix alone but overall I feel the independence is net positive and I'm so relieved to not be constantly thinking about someone else's needs.

What's this about Santa? You take that back...

I've gotten over the cooking for 1.  Sometimes I just punt, there's always cereal or soup.  I cook when I invite my friends over, often on the grill and have them bring sides/salads.  No need to do it, unless I'm inspired.  I'll make a pecan pie for Thanksgiving and help with the main meal, but yeah.  It's simple meals for me.

As far as Netflix, you have to stop watching RomComs by yourself dude!  My BPDex had all kinds of streaming services but couldn't pick a movie to save her life.  She punted most of the time and let me pick.  She didn't want to even be "accountable" if her movie choice was bad.  We watched some terrible things, I didn't really care at the time.  So now I'm free of that, and so are you IntoTW, so watch whatever guy-movies you want!  Action, Sci-Fi, Video-Game, Dramas, Comedies or an Action-Sci-Fi-Dramatic-Comedy.  Watch what your ex didn't or wouldn't let you watch.  There's good and bad in everything, a friend of mine likes to say.  You have your freedom here, embrace it.

[khibomsis]

I laid to rest my complicated grief for my uNBPD mom.I recovered repressed memories and experienced the destruction of my false personality. I am learning to have emotions and have discovered I am worthy of love. And that love doesn't mean pain. I learnt to love myself and am having a blast being alone. Professionally life is going great. I owe this woman a lot. Couldn't have done it without her

[valet]

honestly sounds like you're in a pretty good place right now, intothewind. rock on. here's my take:

i don't think it was the relationship so much that changed me as it was me realizing that i needed to change, to invest less in others and more in myself, to establish reasonable boundaries while finding good ways to enforce them. it might have been a jump start, but it didn't in itself alter who i am, didn't really affect my interests or destroy any of my good pre-existing friendships, didn't really alter my career path, etc...

that said, the relationship definitely left me with some serious trust issues that have taken a really, really long time to mostly repair. for a long time i felt like every new person i met didn't really like me, that they were just being polite and disingenuous about knowing me or liking me as a friend / partner. i had to work super hard to learn to see things at face value and not constantly second guess myself around others. some of that comes with age I think (was close to 25 when that relationship ended, am moving in on 32 now), but i think that was the major thing that 'changed' in a sense, and i had to challenge myself quite consciously to get closer to baseline

in a nutshell, the world is what you make of it for the most part. sometimes we get screwed or screw ourselves over, but we don't need to let it destroy the rest of our lives. tears will be shed, anger will be had, all the sort of stuff that comes with the territory of these relationships must be lived through during and after their existence, and still, they don't have to define us. if you think about it rationally you can't avoid change or changing as a person. you gotta just roll with it and try to do your best with what you've got