Need some advice : Guardianship of Nephew. Sister with BPD

[Barty111]

Hi to all,
Over the last 22 months has been hell to be honest, my sister has been diagnosed with bpd. She has 3 boys one aged 14 and a set of twins 5. Over the last 22 months I have looked looked after my nephews as my sister was struggling with her children/housework. The house was always filthy, her moods was completely irrational shouting, screaming this was everyday of her life. The children went back home but all the time social services was involved. She was still unwell so I took the children back with me and my sister was seconded for 5 weeks. No remorse wot so ever that I was struggling with her children as well of having my own 3 children too.to cut the story short she was unable to provide the care for the children and the twins went in to care and myself and my husband took on the 14 year old. We made the heartbreaking choice to keep the eldest as it wouldn’t effect our children's lifes as much as taking on the twins as they was so young with lots of emotional/attachment issues due to their mother being so unwell for such a long time. Myself and my husband has had ongoing assessments to foster our nephew till the last court case Then we’re gonna go for guardianship. My relationship with sister has worsened over the time as she has no respect for me wot so ever, she don’t take no accountability for her actions with her children or that there’s anything wrong with her. She smokes cannabis loads witch makes the bpd worse then goes to psychosis but again there’s nothing wrong with her smoking a joint! She self medicate because she had severe anxiety and that helps apparently. She is so rude to our mother and myself, she has said it’s my duty to have her kids because we’re family, no understanding Wots it’s done to my whole family Wots so ever.. we’re in the process of moving for a bigger property in two weeks time because we have to provide a room for my nephew as he’s sharing with my two young her boys all around the same age. She manipulates me, treats me like poo and it hurts so bad. I’m just after some advice please on going forward with my relationship with my sister as it’s totally unhealthy my husband close friends see it for wot it is and it’s taken me so long to except it because I didn’t want to except I suppose. But I know now it’s not right how she treats me. I know she has bad mouthed myself to her son in the past and I’ve heard her a week ago and then went quiet. I’m hurting badly and don’t no how to manage this properly. Any help at all would be greatly appreciated.

[Woolspinner2000]

Barty111,

Welcome. Here's a hug for you.  You are so courageous to take on this challenge. I know it's hard, and my hat goes off to you.

I have a couple questions. It sounds like you're in some type of contact with your sister. How often, and is it required communication because of court issues? I'm wondering if we can help you establish some boundaries around that. As hard as it is to know the place she is in and her demands and expectations, now is the time to focus on you and helping you to get stronger. We can help you with that, step by step.

I want to share a link with you about the children of a BPD.
When the children of a BPD parent are at risk  This particular article has really touched my heart because I realize now as an adult how much I needed so desperately the things suggested to help a child of a parent with BPD to survive and make it through life. You have such a wonderful heart to help your nephew, but I very much understand the challenge you face. My mom was an uBPD (undiagnosed BPD). I am still healing, and I am very thankful for this site.

Please keep posting, no matter how small or how big. We are here to care for and help you in this journey.

 
Wools

[Turkish]

It feels horrible to feel unappreciated, and what you've done is no small thing.

People with BPD feel deep shame and guilt, but it's turned inward, and then often projected outward.

How does your 14 year old nephew feel about this? Is his attitude towards you OK?

[Notwendy]

Your sister may not appreciate what you are doing but that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

I also commend you for having your own boundaries and looking out for the best interests of your children, for taking on what you can and knowing what your limits are. I hope the twins are placed in a loving home.

My father's family opened their doors and hearts to us kids during school breaks and we spent extended time with them. It gave us time away from BPD mom's issues, we felt safe, and loved.

I remain close to my cousins on my father's side. Our children know each other and are close as well.

Whatever you can do will help.