Daughter is MIA

[adoptivemama]

  I'm reaching out to see if anyone has experienced what I'm going through now with my higher functioning 23 year old adoptive daughter who is diagnosed with BPD and who is usually pretty good at making an effort to behave well in spite of her leanings (leading to her embracing DBT and doing pretty well, overall). My daughter has been out of touch with us for a month or more pretty often, and I don't worry normally. I let her follow the waves of her desire to reach out, but she's never ignored my messages for over a week. This year she missed Thanksgiving for the first time, and cut her bio brother off that week after a fight with him that ended two years of civility on her part (he is not my son, but her birth mother's son, and she has had an on and off relationship with him all of her life so this wasn't super alarming--just sad). She and I on the other hand, have been doing pretty well and connecting more than usual this past year--mostly by phone. She told me she wasn't coming to Thanksgiving, and I was ok with it. I figured her new boyfriend is her big priority. I usually let her take the lead in starting a conversation, but I'm sending her notes about Christmas plans as I always do and she's not replying. At first I knew she was ok because she was posting positive things on facebook that week, but not in the ten days since. Yesterday was my birthday and she's never missed it before. She is now MIA for the first time since her diagnosis, five years ago. I feel that in the past if she was mad at me she'd let me know, but just disappearing? This is new. She's never shown any kind of suicidal behavior--just self harm. She lives a couple hours away from me now, so I can't just "stop by". She's likely to be with her boyfriend even if I did. I'm wondering when I should file a missing person's report? Police are highly triggering for her, with her history of trauma and being raised in a crime-filled environment with her first mom. If she is mad at me, she will be much more so if I sick the police on her. That's fine, I'm used to her wrath, but I'm just not sure when I should be acting on my concern. She has "cried wolf" in so many ways for so many years. It's hard to take anything seriously--even this new strange silence.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hey adoptivemama,

What a hard time of the year for you, for this to be happening. First of all, 

It is positive to hear that your D23 generally accepts her diagnosis and engages with treatment. It sounds like she may still manage her emotions through physical/spatial methods versus mindwork, though (i.e., not being around you and not being in touch for long periods of time, versus being able to mentally self-soothe). Guess that's part of the BPD deal, sigh.

It makes sense that you don't want to immediately have the police do a well-check. For your situation, that does sound like an escalation at this point. So, the question is twofold:

One, do you find out how she's doing (if so, how do you find out), and

Two, how do you manage your own worries and anxieties.

For question one... are you still in touch with any of her friends, bosses, coworkers, classmates, etc, that you could reach out to? Anyone at all, even "friend of a friend", where you'd feel comfortable saying something like "it's a little weird, I haven't heard from D23 in longer than usual... let me know if you don't want to, but would you be willing to text her, and then let me know if she texts back? Just want to make sure she's not in crisis and respect her space" or something like that.

For question two... might be a longer conversation, though this is the place to do it. What to do with the massive worry and anxiety that is coming from your D's behaviors? I'm curious, do you have a therapist or counselor of your own? And what's your support like in your family and friend group?

Holidays can be challenging when there's a family member with BPD. So much attention and focus can be drawn to them, that we become depleted. I'm  wondering if in the next few days, you can take time to do something kind and caring, just for you -- even if it seems "really small", like lighting a candle, or sitting on the porch.

Fill us in on how things are going whenever works;

kells76

[Rev]

Hey adoptivemama,

What a hard time of the year for you, for this to be happening. First of all, 



It makes sense that you don't want to immediately have the police do a well-check. For your situation, that does sound like an escalation at this point. So, the question is twofold:

One, do you find out how she's doing (if so, how do you find out), and

Two, how do you manage your own worries and anxieties.

Fill us in on how things are going whenever works;

kells76

Hey AM - resonated with all of this. My daughter is bi-polar and ghosts me on a regular basis.  It used to cause me to ruminate and feel sick.  So - hugs too.

Kells has written an excellent response here. I don't have anything to add except that I heard you.

I'm going to follow this thread for my own sake as well.

Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays.

Rev

[Flossy]

My "immediate problem" advise is to text her and keep it simple.



"Hi ...I am just a bit anxious right now. Please send me just ...One Emoji -Today... so I know you are ok.

I don't want you to be bothered by me asking the police to check up on you. An Emoji will settle my nerves down. Thank you.

Merry Christmas to you and yours, with love x".

[incadove]

Hi adoptivemama

I feel this - my dd, also not my bio child, kind of had a similar transition recently - from a sometimes rocky but consistently in touch relationship to where she has cut off all contact for a month or more, and seems to have her phone blocked to all but maybe a few numbers.  I also want to respect her space but worry and want her to know I am thinking of her and not abandoning her.  Always before I could at least send her cards, texts etc periodically.

I agree with you tho not to involve the police, and I would not even mention the possibility of calling them - if she is like my dd, she would resist oppositionally any suggestion of force or pressure. 

I think too that it is a good idea to check in with others in her circle, without getting into daughter's business or spreading any news about her, that is the best way I have of getting secondary news that she is ok.  I'm trying to accept the space she needs but also make sure she feels comfortable reaching out, and looking for a way to periodically engage or at least clearly offer to engage. 

I wonder if you know her address if she might like to receive a card or note?  In some ways that is less pressure than a text or call since it doesn't require an immediate response.  It is a difficult time - I don't know the answers, my thought is that we parents need to let them live their lives and experience on their own, and to just be patient and likewise live our own life more fully.  But I don't know what will happen next and if I will wish I had tried something different!

[adoptivemama]

Thanks Rev and Kells. I'm sorry to take so long to reply. My daughter did reply to my texts finally just before Christmas. I stopped playing it cool and started to plead with her in a voice mail to just let me know she was still out there, and she wrote back verifying that she did not want to talk to anyone. I didn't have to file the police report, which I would have soon afterward. She has no friends except one in Idaho who I'm not in touch with, and she recently disowned her brother, so the only way I would have found her would have been to stalk her at work or at her apartment, or call her boyfriend at work, whom I have never met but I do know where he works.

It was a harsh reality check to realize that if she did ever commit suicide, I may not be able to find out very quickly or easily about it. I'm not sure if she has me listed as her emergency contact at work, and now I'm afraid to ask her if I am because if I am listed, she may unlist me. The only thing I've heard from her all week has been how much she hates her brother and resents me for reaching out to him. This is pretty uncharted territory. I've asked how she's doing and I get no response.

I have learned to detach from my daughter through wisdom I've gotten mostly through Alanon, so I'm not super torn up about her situation and her silence but I do have questions for you all about what I could be doing better for future situations like this--mostly around things that I could have done while she was in a good space that might have made this situation easier for me. I could have sought to meet and get to know her boyfriend for example. I intentionally stayed distant from him because past boyfriends have felt so deceived by my daughter and I have felt complicit in that for not warning them about her problems. If I had been more friendly to this boyfriend I could have reached out to him without issue. That would have been nice for ME, but his talking to me may have created a problem for HIM. How do you view this?

Another thing I'm wondering about is whether we should have ever taken my daughter off of our health insurance. We took her off when she got her own coverage through work and was functioning pretty well, but she uses the fact that she's spent all of her money on other things as an excuse to not seek medical help. If we had her on our plan still, I could at least offer to pay for her to restart her outpatient DBT program. But would that be wise? I'm not even sure. I'm realizing that I'm not very equipped for this new kind of "season of struggle". I want to be the best parent I can without enabling or being too financially involved. (We have not contributed any money to my daughter or her bills since she moved out of our home a few years back.)

Thanks so much for your advice.

[adoptivemama]

My "immediate problem" advise is to text her and keep it simple.



"Hi ...I am just a bit anxious right now. Please send me just ...One Emoji -Today... so I know you are ok.

I don't want you to be bothered by me asking the police to check up on you. An Emoji will settle my nerves down. Thank you.

Merry Christmas to you and yours, with love x".

Thanks Flossy! That's essentially what I said to her--good advice--my therapist also said to do this!

[adoptivemama]

Hi adoptivemama

I feel this - my dd, also not my bio child, kind of had a similar transition recently - from a sometimes rocky but consistently in touch relationship to where she has cut off all contact for a month or more, and seems to have her phone blocked to all but maybe a few numbers.  I also want to respect her space but worry and want her to know I am thinking of her and not abandoning her.  Always before I could at least send her cards, texts etc periodically.

I agree with you tho not to involve the police, and I would not even mention the possibility of calling them - if she is like my dd, she would resist oppositionally any suggestion of force or pressure. 

I think too that it is a good idea to check in with others in her circle, without getting into daughter's business or spreading any news about her, that is the best way I have of getting secondary news that she is ok.  I'm trying to accept the space she needs but also make sure she feels comfortable reaching out, and looking for a way to periodically engage or at least clearly offer to engage. 

I wonder if you know her address if she might like to receive a card or note?  In some ways that is less pressure than a text or call since it doesn't require an immediate response.  It is a difficult time - I don't know the answers, my thought is that we parents need to let them live their lives and experience on their own, and to just be patient and likewise live our own life more fully.  But I don't know what will happen next and if I will wish I had tried something different!

Thanks so much incadove! I'm so comforted to know that there is someone else who has been in my shoes. I will keep your name in mind as someone to reach out to if I need advice again!